I like this new idea of voodoo acupuncture. You don't have to go anywhere, you

                        just walk down the street, and all of a sudden, "Ah!"


                        Hermits have no peer pressure.


                        Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories...


                        There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.


                        The other day I saw a rabbit in the forest in front of a candle making pictures of

                        humans on a tree.


                        How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't live there?


                        The other day, I went to a tourist information booth and asked "Tell me about some

                        of the people who were here last year."


                        What a nice night for an evening.


                        When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He said, "I want

                        my daughter back by 8:15." I said, "The middle of August? Cool!"


                        Did Washington just flash a quarter for his ID?


                        I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.


                        I live on a one-way dead-end street.


                        Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers...


                        I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing

                        "Happy Birthday".


                        I accidentally installed the deer whistles on my car backwards. Now everywhere I

                        go, I'm chased by a herd of deer.


                        The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard


                        Lead me not into temptation...I can find the way myself


                        There are two types of pedestrians...the quick and the dead


                        A closed mouth gathers no feet


                        The more people I meet, the more I like my cat.


                        Don't blame me. I'm only doing what my Rice Crispies told me to do.


                        My child was inmate of the month at the county jail


                        My kid beat up your honor student


                        If crime fighters fight crime, and fire fighters fight fire, then what do freedom

                        fighters fight?


                        Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?


                        "One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, FLOOR"


                        If a man is talking in the woods, and there is no woman there to hear him, is he still



                        Fight crime, shoot back!



                        the best things in life are free plus tax

                        Skydivers: Good to the last drop


                        Why do they let semi-drivers drive big trucks?


                        Why do they call apartments "apartments" when they are built together?


                        The grass is always greener on TV


                        Easier said than sung in Russian


                        Smile and the world audits your taxes.


                        If you try to fail and succeed, which have you done?


                        According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.


                        Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.


                        How can I miss you if you won't go away?


                        Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.


                        Give me ambiguity or give me something else.


                        We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.


                        Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.


                        Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.


                        Puritanism: The haunting fear that somewhere, someone may be happy.

                        Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.


                        i souport publik edekashun.


                        Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.


                        There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.


                        Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?


                        Ever stop to think and forget to start again?


                        If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.


                        A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.