Ways to confuse people in the Computer Lab
1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream
"Oh my God! They've found me!" and bolt.
2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look
suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.
3. When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that
you can't get the darn thing to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait
5 minutes, turn it off again, & repeat the process for a good half hour.
4. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly.
5. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to different
screen than the one it's set up with.
6. Write a program that plays the "Smurfs" theme song and play
it at the highest volume possible over & over again.
7. Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something
on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.
8. Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon
9. Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don't know.
10. Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on.
11. Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it,
say "Just in case..." mysteriously.
12. Type on VAX for a while. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes at everything
bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing.
13. Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if they're
crazy while typing.
14. Light candles around your terminal before starting.
15. Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until someone agrees.
Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say, "Oops, I forgot."
16. Every time you press Return and there is processing time required, pray
"Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease," and scream "YES!"
when it finishes.
17. "DISK FIGHT!!!"
18. Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you (It helps
if you know them, but this is also a great way to make new friends).
19. Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by
hitting the keys with the straw.
20. If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing "The Lion
Sleeps Tonight" whenever there is processing time required.
21. Draw a picture of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, tape it to your
monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then complain loudly
that women (men) are worthless.
22. Try to stick a Nintendo cartridge into the 3 1/2" disc drive, when
it doesn't work, get the supervisor.
23. When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly where the
smiling Apple face is when you turn on one of those.
24. Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when it's all done
(two days later) say that all you wanted was one line.
25. Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisely. After doing
this for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you.
26. Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person next
to you. Grind some more. Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke
the person enough to let them blow up, as this releases tension, and it
is far more effective to let them linger.
27. If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends, cut
them and deposit them on your neighbor's keyboard as you leave.
28. Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British Royal Family on your
desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you..
29. Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like
this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working conditions.
30. Laugh hysterically, shout "You will all perish in flames!!!"
and continue working.
31. Bring some dry ice & make it look like your computer is smoking.
32. Assign a musical note to every key (ie. the Delete key is A Flat, the
B key is F sharp, etc.). Whenever you hit a key, hum its note loudly. Write
an entire paper this way.
33. Attempt to eat your computer's mouse.
34. Borrow someone else's keyboard by reaching over, saying "Excuse
me, mind if I borrow this for a sec?", unplugging the keyboard & taking
35. Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun.
36. When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the
old ways are best.
37. Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab.
38. Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again until
you see that your neighbor is noticing (You can hit the space bar so your
fill isn't affected). Then look at your neighbor's keyboard. Hit his/her
delete key several times, erasing an entire word. While you do this, ask:
"Does *your* delete key work?" Shake your head, and resume hitting
the space bar on your keyboard. Keep doing this until you've deleted about
a page of your neighbor's document. Then, suddenly exclaim: "Well,
whaddya know? I've been hitting the space bar this whole time. No wonder
it wasn't deleting! Ha!" Print out your document and leave.
39. Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab monitor and
complain that your computer ate your disk. (For special effects, put some
Elmer's Glue on or around the disk drive. Claim that the computer is drooling.)
40. Stare at the screen of the person next to you, look really puzzled,
burst out laughing, and say "You did that?" loudly. Keep laughing,
grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go.
41. Point at the screen. Chant in a made up language while making elaborate
hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse, then leap
back and yell "COVEEEEERRRRRR!" peek up from under the table,
walk back to the computer and say. "Oh, good. It worked this time,"
and calmly start to type again.
42. Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.
43. See who's online. Send a total stranger a talk request. Talk to them
like you've known them all your lives. Hangup before they get a chance to
figure out you're a total stranger.
44. Bring a small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound effects.
Pretend it's the computer and look really lost.
45. Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead
46. Come into the computer lab wearing several endangered species of flowers
in your hair. Smile incessantly. Type a sentence, then laugh happily, exclaim
"You're such a marvel!!", and kiss the screen. Repeatthis after
every sentence. As your ecstasy mounts, also hug the keyboard. Finally,
hug your neighbor, then the computer assistant, and walk out.
47. Run into the computer lab, shout "Armageddon is here!!!!!",
then calmly sit down and begin to type.
48. Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black and Decker chainsaw,
rev that baby up, and then walk up to the nearest person and say, "Give
me that computer or you'll be feeding my pet crocodile for the next week".
49. Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and place
them on top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape them around
the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of cotton on
50. Come in wearing nothing but a grass skirt. Whenever there is processing
time required, jump out of the chair and bang an African drum melody on
a set of drums while dancing around the computer. If the instructor asks
you to stop, do a war scream or two and shake your hand at him. Dance around
him-her once or twice, then walk out.