The Canonical List of Ways to Kill Barney. Collected, assembled, but not written by email@example.com. Version #266 1. Make him watch his own show. 2. Make him gargle broken glass. 3. Get children-sized mannequins and fill them with razor blades. (kinda like the razored apple Halloween trick!) 4. Get him to read "The Canonical List of Blonde Jokes" to a room full of feminists. 5. Send him to Sea World to see Shamu -enough said 6. Drop him from a bridge onto the in-bound lane of the Boston Expressway. 7. Slap some antlers on his head and send him into the woods during November. 8. Move every third molecule 3 feet to the left until he closely resembles Picasso's "Guernica". 9. Nail his feet to his shoulders and use him as the Jamaican bobsled in the 1996 Winter Olympics. 10. Hollow him out and fill him with Bac-o-bits, use as Swiss Colony store display model. 11. Cryogenically freeze him, then cut out shamrock shaped pieces of his body, dye green, and use as lapel pins for St. Patrick's Day. 12. Shoot him. 13. "Barney, I would like you to meet Dr. Kevorkian...." 14. Let him be a guest on Geraldo...let the one armed, Vietnamese, lesbian, bigamist rip his arms off. 15. Donate his body to science...early. 16. Well, just call my cousins Guido and Vinnie and tell them that you kinda placed $200 in a bag under the rock in the park....mention the fact that you would _love_ to have Barney's knee-caps as conversation pieces. 17. Ask the owl in the tree, "How many layers of skin does it take to get to the middle of a Barney?" Peel off layers of skin one at a time. 18. Get him to show kids how to make and set off pipe bombs. 19. Have him magically turn the classroom into a vacuum ... watch his body explode. 20. Strip off his flesh, bury the bones in your back yard, and then dig them up, a piece at a time, selling them to your nearest natural history museum. A complete dinosaur skeleton would be worth a fortune! Death to Barney for fun AND profit! 21. Put him in Straight-Jacket (really tough & leathery). 22. Put him in one of those inflated bounce amusement park things for a year or so... 23. Prepare him as food in any number of ways (deep fried and breaded is my personal favourite) then grind up his bones for fertilizer. Sell food to an enemy. Watch enemy become Barney. Then repeat the process as many times as you like... 24. Sew his lips to his rectum. 25. Take him into space and put him into a decaying orbit. 26. Cut him up with a dull chain-saw. 27. Toss him into a blast furnace. 28. Make him a referee in an NHL game. 29. Tell the kids of the world that Barney wants you to eat your vegetables. 30. Write a "101 Uses for a Dead Purple Dinosaur" book. 31. Make him listen to Jesse Jackson. 32. Put him in a guillotine; put the rope holding up the blade in his mouth and then beat his ass with a jagged piece of metal until he screams. 33. Put him on the Starship Enterprise. Make him go up to Worf and ask him if it's true that all Klingons are really wimps. 34. Dip him in tar (anything sticky will do), cover him with hundred-dollar bills and throw him into a pit full of lawyers... 35. Cut open his gut until the entrails lie splayed out on the floor. Don't give him a needle and thread. 36. Tie him down in the middle of the Sahara Desert and let the vultures have him. I am not sure that is a good idea because we don't need to be that cruel to the vultures. 37. Duct tape him to a street light in South Central L.A. If we are lucky, he will be shot in a drive by! 38. There is the old "Cement Overshoes", but that could be considered water pollution. 39. Make him write, "I will not be a demon sent from the lowest depths of hell" 100 times with a piece of chalk only 1/4 inch long. 40. Lob a can of Nitro-nine under his purple butt. 41. Bury all but his head in an anthill. Cover with honey. See how effective that torture method *really* is. 42. Shark bait. (Need to cut him up a little first...) 43. Let him take the place of a car crash dummy. 44. Have him clean up toxic waste/nuclear radiation sites, without environmental gear. 45. Let him have a loooong visit in the Marinaras Trench. 46. Have him stand under the space shuttle during the next launch. 47. Send him to inspect an underground nuclear test site, minutes before the next test. 48. Send him to Somalia as famine relief. 49. Target practice. 50. Send him on a candlelight tour of the Wilson Dynamite factory. 51. Pack his parachute all wrong and push him out of an airplane. Then throw the chute after him. 52. Use him for testing Ginsu knives with Mrs. Bobbitt helping out. 53. Get him to neuter a Pit-Bull Terrier. 54. Cruise missile target. 55. Plutonium enema. 56. "Charlie Manson? This is your new cell-mate." 57. Send him to Miami in a rented car. 58. Lock him in a room with 10 rabid raccoons. 59. Send him on a walking tour of the La Brea Tar Pits. 60. Make him become a politician in Mexico. 61. Take him bungee jumping. Forget to secure bungee cord. 62. Poke him in the belly. With an ice pick. See if he laughs like the Pillsbury Doughboy. 63. Cast him in place of Mr. Bill on "The Mr. Bill Show" 64. Cut off his tail, and watch him fall on his face for lack of balance. 65. Send him to Loch Ness. Maybe Nessie will try to mate with him. 66. Cut off his arms and say "Where's that 'great big hug' *now*!?!" 67. Shave his fur. ALL of it. 68. The Juice Tiger. It separates the Barney pulp from the Barney juices. 69. Infiltrate the PBS stations and switch the "Barney & Friends" tapes with "Beavis 'n' Butthead" and watch the kids burn him to death. 70. Use him to insulate the steam pipes at your local nuclear generating station. 71. Move the set of the show to an actual inner-city classroom. 72. Let him visit the local jail, shove him in a cell and let the sex-starved convicts after him. 73. Use him as evidence to prove that the acceleration of gravity is 9.8 m/sı on Earth. Oh! and make sure that it is off of the Sears tower too. 74. Let him take a New York Subway at night. 75. Use his head to plug up leaky dikes in Holland. (that is the water barriers, not the other kind). 76. Use him as a bungee cord. 77. Make him hug Madonna. (When she's wearing her pointy bra) 78. Let him help put out forest fires. 79. Teflon bullets to the skull, chest, and genitalia of the beast. 80. Throw him into a combine. 81. Bazooka blast to the cranium. 82. Nuclear Bombs. Nuff said. 83. Tie him up like a pinnate and have small Mexican children beat it to death. 84. Drown him in gasoline and then set it ablaze. 85. Throw him in a vat of methylene chloride. 86. Use him for an 18 wheeler's traction. 87. Have him inspect the space shuttle's engines at T+60. 88. Put him in a cage that houses 1000 Tokay Geckoes (irony is that they're mostly purple too). 89. Have him change targets at a rifle range... without ceasing fire. 90. Put him to work at the Mt. St. Helens Close Study Station AFTER the next evacuation. 91. Use him as a test subject at the Army's Biological - Chemical - Nuclear Warfare unit. 92. Place him underneath equal quantities of iron oxide and powdered aluminum. (use lots of both... [ 100 pounds... mix well, but carefully) Toss in a lit sparkler. 93. Freeze him with liquid nitrogen, and repeat step 83. 94. See if liquid helium has similar effects. 95. Cover him in a mixture of 110 Octane AvGas and Ivory Soap Flakes. (mix until gel-like) You'll need another sparkler. 96. Force-feed him potassium chlorate solution. 97. Have him transported to Bosnia, where everyone over there can unite under a single cause for once in a thousand years and kill him! 98. Microwave ovens work wonders. 99. Tie him down in a chair and force him to listen to country music, until even HE goes insane with all the sap! 100. Have him climb trees near overhead power lines. 101. Put him on trial for paedophilia. He'll kill himself. 102. Have him ask Fred Phelps about the good side of homosexuality. NOTE: Fred Phelps is the biggest Gay basher on the Earth. 103. Let HIM tell the baseball leagues they're not getting their raise. 104. Tell him Jimmy Hoffa was a bad man and he should tell it to the Teamsters. 105. Give him two bottles. #1 is filled with nitroglycerine and napalm. #2 is full of pepper. 106. Tell the Menedez Boys he is in cahoots with their parents. 107. Put him on an LA freeway at 4:59. 108. Put him in Crypt gear in a Blood neighbourhood. (reversible) 109. Drain-O milkshakes. 110. Have him apply at Oscar Meyer as "Hot Dog Filler". 111. Make him wear a pentagram and send him to a Baptist church 112. Virtual Realty BarneyDOOM. 113. "Gee Mr. Tarzan, I thought apes were stupid." 114. Send him to a Buddhist Cafe and order the Filet-mignon. 115. Send him to France an have him declare he's American. 116. Let him drink the water in Juadalahara. 117. Get him married to O J Simpson. 118. Make him tell Rush Limbaugh he's a sissy. 119. Tell him nitroglycerine can be made in a paint mixer. 120. 100 cans of JOLT and a titanium steel vault. 121. Tell the NRA he supports gun control. 122. Send him to a country western bar and let him play heavy metal.(reversible) 123. A Black Hole. 124. "Gee Mr. Barkley, I can play basketball better than you......." 125. Make him run UNIX on a Tandy Colour Computer 3. (128k total) 126. Give him the box from Hellraiser and tell him it's a Rubix Cube. 127. "Can I have a drink of that, Mr. Socrates?" 128. Enroll him on a 15 step program while on a 10 step pier. 129. Tell him piranhas like to be petted. 130. Fill the sandbox with quicksand. 131. Shove a Q-tip down his ear and through his head. 132. Shove him into a meat-grinder. (Don't actually cook the meat and serve it, though!) 133. Lock him up in a tiny school locker, then shoot bullets around him, thus scaring the living hell out of him, then either let him die of shock and starvation or simply shoot him through the door (but in the gut! That way he BLEEDS to death, slowly, and painfully!). 134. Infect Baby Bop with some debilitating disease, then, since Barney obviously has sex with her regularly, sit back and watch the fun. 135. Inject him with all the chemicals that go into Hostess Twinkies. 136. Pour equal, and large, amounts of ammonia and then bleach down the purple one's throat( a funnel may come in handy) then stand back and watch the corrosive chlorine fumes quickly melt his organs from the inside out. 137. Tie him under a huge magnifying glass on a real sunny day; you've made a new treat! "JURASSIC FRITTERS"! 138. Sign him up as the new drummer for" Spinal Tap". 139. Give him a stack of "Save the Whales" GreenPeace fliers and send him to Rush Limbaugh's house. 140. Peg 60-pound dumbbells at him until he dies. 141. Lock him in a tiny elementary school locker, plug up the bottom slats, then slowly drop bugs in through the top slats (preferably creatures like spiders and centipedes). If you get tired of this get a gun and shoot Barney through the locker door. 142. Make him drink fabric softener until he softens to death. 143. Put him in an old car that's being put in the crusher. 144. Introduce him to a pit bull. 145. Stuff him down the garbage disposal. 146. Mummify him. 147. Give him drowning lessons. 148. Nitroglycerin suppository 149. Paper cuts from hate mail 150. Wine press 151. Dissolved in organic solvent of choice (e.g. 1,1,1-trichloroethane, acetone, carbon tetrachloride) 152. Clubbed by a baby seal hunter 153. Exploding gas barbecue 154. Rusty meat hook 155. Pulp digester / Saw mill 155. Lethal ingestion of bean sprouts and tofu 156. Skydiving accident (His concrete parachute fails to open). 157. Barney meets the Terminator. "Hasta la vista...BARNEY!". 158. Exploding school bus 159. Field trip to your local zoo. Barney loves to spread love and happiness to all of the carnivores. 160. Children's Tylenol laced with cyanide 161. Trampling by thousands of tiny spongie feet 162. Asphyxiation on a twinkie 163. Bungee jumping with chord tied around neck (with static line?) 164. 1000 RPM merry-go-round 165. Dragged behind a school bus on a gravel road 166. Tail caught in elevator doors 167. Legalization of purple slavery 168. Nasal spray or eye drops replaced with concentrated acid (e.g. nitric, chromic, hydrofluoric, sulphuric, or hydrochloric) 169. Add crushed glass to his granola or high fibre cereal. 170. Thrown in a vat of bleach. (White Barney could become a symbol for white supremacy) 171. Sucked into a turbo-prop engine (a jet would be more fun. 'after burners?' 172. Submerged into a CANDU reactor 173. Swarmed by killer bees 174. Purple parasites 175. Kidnapped by members of the Columbian drug cartel (or is he the ring leader in disguise) 176. Chopped up into pet food (Purina Barney chow) 177. Shintu massage as administered by a sumo wrestler. 178. Assimilation by the Borg. (but they probably wouldn't want him) 179. Acupuncture with a nail gun 180. Hit and run at a school crossing 181. Brain scrambled (rescrambled?) by aliens 182. Body cavity search using a fish scaling knife. 183. Harpooned by a whaling ship 184. OOPS! Barney shouldn't have soldered that propane tank while full. 185. Run over by a Zamboni 186. "Accidentally" shoved in front of a subway train. 187. Crushed between plates in a fault line. 188. Inquiring minds want to know...What is the tensile strength of Barney? 189. Used as a guinea pig in a pain threshold study. 190. NATO air strike. 191. Egyptian mummification ritual. 192. Visit to the taxidermist. 193. Blasted with a Neuron-T-disrupter. 194. Forced to watch "The Wall" video without his happy pills. 195. Give him a lead role in a snuff film. 196. Tar and feathered by crazed parents. 197. Bludgeoned to purple paste. 198. Compressed to a singularity. 199. Bent, folded and mutilated by the post office. (would be worse if you didn't write "fragile" on the label) 200. Barney goes for a spin on a cyclotron. Too bad about the sudden stop. 201. Heat pasteurization. 202. Barney stars in an Itchy and Scratchy movie. 203. Put Barney in an old Star Trek episode, in a RED SHIRT. 204. Put Barney in a Star Trek Next Generation episode, in a gold shirt. 205. Confine him with Marvin the depressed Android (Douglas Adams). 206. Use Barney as a test subject for exotic new nerve gases. 207. Make him deliver the new Canadian budget to the angry college students (including me) 208. Feed him fish & chips (& vinegar - Acetic Acid) and top it with lots of salt. (H2C3 H2O ) +NaCl -] Na2C3 H2O + HCl 209. Send him to Montreal wearing a Toronto Maple Leafs jersey. 210. Just wait. Congress will probably cut his funding soon, anyway... 211. Send him to a cannibal infested island. 212. Make him stick his head in a paper shredder, or a garbage disposal, or a lawn mower... you get the Idea. 213. Use him as archery practice. 214. Use him as bayonet practice. 215. Tie him to the back of a semi. Drive over very hard surfaces. 216. Tell him that lying in the road is fun. 217. send him so Spain for "The running of the bulls" (tie weights to his feet) 218. Throw him in a shark pit. 219. Throw him in a alligator pit. 220. Put him in a blender and sell him as grape flavoured children's cough syrup. (Of course that would be cruelty to Children:) 221. Make him listen to Preston Manning (leader of Reform party in Canada, he has a high pitched, squawking voice). 222. Send him to Africa wearing KKK clothes. 223. Send him to Cuba with a shirt saying "Fidel sucks." 224. Give Barney a gasoline shower and then make him smoke. (Burn baby burn). 225. Make him take a bath and drop a radio, hair dryer, microwave, and etc. in there with him. 226. Put him on a NYC subway without an weapon 227. Put him on a NYC bus without money(and watch what the drivers do to him) 228. Send him Door to Door in NYC Asking for contributions to keep Barney on TV. 229. Lock him and baby bop in a cave with The Power Rangers (They Both suck so much they should stay like that for ever until they are forced to eat each other) 230. Strap him to the back of a Ford Pinto, then rear-end it into an iron maiden. 231. Nail him down to a sidewalk, then get a bicycle and ride back and forth over him until he dies, relishing the sounds of his bones crackling and breaking like newspapers, seeing seams burst open in his sides and foam guts flying out them, hearing his final agonized screech before you crush his head with a tire. 232. Shove his head in a floppy drive, then type "format a:". 233. Make him sit in the passenger seat of an experimental sports car, speed the car up to an incredible velocity, then shove his head out the window and watch his layers of polyester and nylon skin float away. 234. Lock him in a tiny elementary school locker, putty up the bottom slats, then slowly drop bugs in through the top slats (preferable creatures like spiders and centipedes). When you are satisfied with the number of bugs putty up the top slats, sit back, and enjoy hearing his howls and shrieks of terror until you tire and shoot him through the locker door. 235. Tell Newt Gingrich that Barney's on welfare and watch him go nuts. 236. Make him bungee jump with a regular rope tied around his neck. 237. Place Barney in a quarantine room and give him an injection of the latest Level 4 viruses, including Ebola. 238. Paint him white and handcuff him to a streetlight in a housing project full of gangbangers. 239. Tell Michael Jackson there is a little boy inside the costume. 240. Perform dentistry on him with a Black & Decker electric drill, using a really big drill bit. 241. Force feed him Hudson river water. 242. Lowering in the Purple One into a vat of acid, an inch an hour. 243. Putting him in a wine press, and seeing what comes out. 244. Throwing the purple one into an oversized bread slicer, with a fine mist of hydrofluoric acid sprayed upon him. 245. Bury him up to his neck on the beach at low tide. 246. Bury him up to his neck in your yard, and run over him with the lawnmower! 247. Stuffing is flammable. 248. Ask him for help with your ABC's and when he skips along toward you, grab him and pour turpentine down his throat. 249. Tell him blood repels sharks. 250. Tell Baby Bop's father he abuses her. 251. Tell the big fat kid he will "morph" if you squeeze him hard enough. 252. Give him a yummy, delicious red apple, complete with razor. 253. Stick a chunk of plastic explosive to the back of his head, and watch him run around trying in vain to grab it and pull it off. 254. Electric chair pre-execution tester. 255. See how much current you can send through him before he gets toasted. 256. Substitute the cameras on his show with anti-matter accelerators. 257. Squeeze him into a large blender, then push "GRIND." More satisfying than "LIQUEFY." 258. Drown him in a waste treatment plant. 259. Point Jason Voorhees at him, then get out of the way. 260. Make him drink the ink of 40,000 Marsh 88 markers. 261. Combine the dandruff, fingernail dirt, earwax, navel lint, and armpit sweat of millions into a stew, then make him eat it. 262. Tell Michael Douglas that Barney swallowed the Hope Diamond. (visions of Romancing the Stone). 263. Put him in the Columbian soccer team and tell him that he must score in *those* goals. 264. Dress him up as a French nuclear physicist and put him on board GreenPeace's Rainbow Warrior II. 265. Cast him as the stunt double for the T-Rex who breaks through the high HIGH voltage fence in Jurassic Park (Who turned it up so much?). 266. Tell barney theres kids around the corner,and when he comes round hack into him with a meachete!!! Well there you go. Again, after too many people claiming the same one was their's I've decided to do NO CREDITS again although I would like to thank all the people who sent me their ideas that I have included in this list. This document is also available in Rich Text Format (.RTF) which is readable in Windows 95 and is becoming an Internet wide, cross-platform standard. Also, by any special request, I will send it any popular word processor format. Additions to the list go to firstname.lastname@example.org. There is also a shorter list of the funniest ways. Ask me for that if you don't have it already. It should follow this message.
Back to my Canonical Lists Humor Page
Back to my humor page
Back to my home page