Huge List of Religious Jokes
Mirosoft Jokes (Word File .doc)
HUGE List of Lawyer funnies
15 Things You'd Never
Know If It Weren't
For the Movies
1. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place.
No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel
to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
2. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you
make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart
3. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it is
not necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
4. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating,
but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
5. If staying in a haunted house, women must investigate any strange
noises in their most diaphanous underwear, which is just what they
happened to be carrying with them at the time the car broke down.
6. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through
it before long.
7. If someone says, "I'll be right back", they won't.
8. Computer monitors never display a cursor on screen but always
say: Enter Password Now.
9. It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or
ending phone conversations. And none of your friends have to knock
when they come for a visit.
10. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary
to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few
11. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large
red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
12. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended
13. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone around you
will automatically be able to mirror all the steps you come up with
and hear the music in your head.
14. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make
sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total
15. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to
Father Murphy walked into a pub and said to the first man he met, "Do you
want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do Father."
The priest said,"Leave this pub right now!"
He then approached a second man. "Do you want to got to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
"Then leave this den of Satan!" said the priest.
Father Murphy then walked up to O'Toole and asked, "Do you want to go to
O'Toole replied: "No, I don't Father."
The priest looked him right in the eye and said, "You mean to tell me that when
you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole smiled, "Oh, when I die. Yes Father. I thought you were getting a
group together to go right now."
It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale and an advertisement
local paper were the main reasons for the long line that formed in front of the
store by 8:30, the store's opening time.
A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back
amid loud and colorful curses. On the man's second attempt, he was punched
square in the jaw and knocked around a bit, then thrown to the end of the line
again. As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the
"That does it! If they hit me one more time, I don't open the store!"
A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a
In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that
joke, you should know something. Our bartender is blond, the bouncer
is blond. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb. black belt and blond. The guy sitting
next to me is 6'2, weighs 225 and he's a rugby player and blond. The
fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler and blond.
Think about it, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five
Toddler Rules of Ownership
1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If it's in my hands, it's mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
6. If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.
7. If it looks just like mine, it's mine.
8. If I think it's mine, it's mine.
9. If it...
During his visit to the United States, the Pope met with President Clinton.
Instead of just an
hour as scheduled, the meeting went on for two days. Finally, a weary President Clinton
emerged to face the waiting news media.
The President was smiling and announced the summit was a resounding success. He said he and
the Pope agreed on 80% of the matters they discussed. Then Mr. Clinton declared he was
going home to the White House to be with his family.
A few minutes later the Pope came out to make his statement. He looked tired, and
discouraged, and was practically in tears. Sadly he announced his meeting with the President
was a failure.
Incredulous, one reporter asked, "But your Holiness, President Clinton just announced the
summit was a great success and the two of you agreed on 80% of the items discussed."
Exasperated, the Pope answered, "Yes, but we were talking about the Ten Commandments."
Saddam Hussein and Bill Clinton meet up in Baghdad for the
first round of talks in a new peace process. When Bill sits down,
he notices 3 buttons on the side of Saddam's chair. They begin
talking. After about 5 minutes, Saddam presses the first
button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and
punches Clinton in the face. Confused, Clinton carries on talking
as Saddam laughs.
A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a
big boot comes out and kicks Clinton in the shin. Again Saddam
laughs, and again Clinton carries on talking, not wanting to put
off the bigger issue of peace between the 2 countries.
But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes
out and kicks Clinton in the face.
"I'm going back home!" he tells the Iraqi. "We'll finish these
talks in two weeks!"
A fortnight passes and Saddam flies to the United States for
talks. As the 2 men sit down, Hussein notices 3 buttons on
Clinton's chair and prepares himself for the Yank's revenge.
They begin talking and Bill presses the first button. Saddam
ducks, butnothing happens. Clinton snickers. A few seconds later
he presses the second button. Saddam jumps up, but again
nothing happens. Clinton roars with laughter. When the third
button is pressed, Saddam jumps up again, and again nothing
happens. Clinton falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics. "Forget
this," says Saddam. "I'm going back to Baghdad!" Clinton then
says through tears of laughter, "What Baghdad?"
Two deputies in the Sheriff's Office, one who had been in town for ten
and the other who had just transferred, answered an emergency call. When
they walked into the house, they found the nude bodies of a man and a woman
in the bedroom. They had been shot to death. When they went to the living
room, they found the body of a man with a gun at his side.
"No doubt about it," the new deputy said, "This was a double murder and
suicide. This guy came home and found his wife in bed with somebody else
and shot them both. Then he shot himself."
"You're right," the experienced deputy replied. "But I'll bet you when the
sheriff gets here he's going to say, 'it could have been worse'."
"No way. You're on."
The old sheriff arrived at the scene. "No doubt about it," the sheriff said,
shaking hi head. "It was a double murder and suicide." After hesitating for a
moment, the old sheriff looked his deputies in the eyes.
"But, you know," he said, "it could have been worse."
The deput who had lost the bet jumped up and shouted, "Sheriff, how could
it have been worse? There are three people in this house, and all three of
them are dead. It couldn't have been worse."
"Yes, it could," the sheriff retorted. "You see that guy there on the floor? If
he had come home yesterday, that would be me!"
DIM BULB JOKES
Q: How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change.
Q: How many software people does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. That's a hardware problem.
Q: How many hardware folks does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They just have marketing portray the dead bulb as a feature.
Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None: The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
Q: How many Feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: That's not funny!!!
Q: How many Bratzlaver Chassidim does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They will never find one that burned as brightly as the first
Q: How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. It turned itself in.
Q: How many football players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it!
Q: How many poets does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to curse the darkness, one to light a candle... ... and
one to change the bulb.
Q: How many Macintosh users does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. You have to replace the whole motherboard.
A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is
foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a
close shave around the cheeks. "
I have just the thing," says the barber, taking a small
wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between
your cheek and gum."
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber
proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever
experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled
speech, "And what if I swallow it?"
"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back
tomorrow like everyone else does."
Holmes and Watson had gone to bed and were lying there
looking up at the sky. Holmes said, "Watson, look up. What
do you see?
"Well, I see thousands of stars."
"And what does that mean to you?" "Well, I guess it means
we will have another nice day tomorrow. What does it mean to you, Holmes?"
"To me, it means someone has stolen our tent."
When Bill Gates died, he went up to Heaven, where Saint Peter showed
him to his house; a beautiful 20 room house, with grounds and a
tennis court. Bill Gates was pleased, and spent many months enjoying
the amenities of Heaven.
One day, he was enjoying one of Heaven's many fine parks, when he ran
into a man dressed in a fine tailored suit.
"That is a nice suit, my friend," said Gates. "Where did you get it?"
"Actually," the man replied, "I was given a hundred of these when I
got here. I've been treated really well. I got a mansion on a hill
overlooking a beautiful hill, with a huge five-hundred acre estate, a
golf course, and three Rolls Royces."
"Were you a Pope, or a doctor healing the sick?" asked Gates.
"No," said his new friend, "Actually, I was the captain of the
Hearing this made Gates so angry that he immediately stalked off to
find St. Peter.
Cornering Peter, he told him about the man he had just met, saying,
"How could you give me a paltry new house, while you're showering new
cars, a mansion, and fine suits on the Captain of the Titanic? I
invented the Windows operating system! Why does he deserve
"Yes, but we use Windows," replied Peter, "and the Titanic only
A brunette, redhead, and a blonde went to a fitness spa for some fun
and relaxation. After a stimulating healthy lunch, all three decided
to visit the ladies room and found a strange-looking woman sitting at
the entrance who said:
"Welcome to the ladies room. Be sure to check out our newest
feature: a mirror which, if you look into it and say something
truthful, you will be awarded with a wish. But, be warned, for if
you say something false, you will be sucked into the mirror to live
in a void of nothingness for all eternity!"
The three women quickly entered and upon finding the mirror, the
brunette said, "I think I'm the most beautiful of us three" and in an
instant she was surrounded by a pile of money.
The redhead stepped up and said "I think I'm the most talented of us
three" and she suddenly found the keys to a brand new Lexus in her
Excited over the possibility of having a wish come true, the blonde
looked into the mirror and said, "I think..." and was promptly sucked
into the mirror.
A fire started on some grassland near a farm in Indiana. The fire
department from the nearby town was called to put the fire out. The
fire proved to be more than the small town fire department could
handle, so someone suggested that a rural volunteer fire department
be called. Though there was doubt that they would be of any
assistance, the call was made.
The volunteer fire department arrived in a dilapidated old fire
truck. They drove straight towards the fire and stopped in the middle
of the flames. The volunteer firemen jumped off the truck and
frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had
snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two
easily controllable parts.
The farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department's work
and so grateful that his farm had been spared, that he presented the
volunteer fire department with a check for $1000. A local news
reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned
to do with the funds.
"That should be obvious," he responded, "the first thing we're gonna
do is get the brakes fixed on that stupid fire truck."
Bill's barn burned down, and his wife Polly called the
Polly told the insurance company, "We had that barn
insured for fifty thousand, and I want my money."
The agent replied, "Hold on just a minute, Polly. Insurance
doesn't work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of
what was insured and provide you with a new barn of
There was a long pause before Polly replied, "Then I'd like
to cancel the policy on my husband."
While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college
student led the way into the den.
"What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asked.
"That is the talking clock," the man replied.
"How's it work?" the friend asked.
"Watch," the man said and proceeded to give the gong an ear-
shattering pound with the hammer.
Suddenly, someone screamed from the other side of the wall, "Knock it
off, you idiot! It's two o'clock in the morning!"
A guy goes into a bar. He's sitting on the stool,
enjoying his drink when he hears, "You look great!"
He looks around - there's nobody near him. He hears
the voice again, "No really, you look terrific."
The guy looks around again. Nobody. He hears,
"Is that a new shirt or something? Because you
are absolutely glowing!" He then realizes that
the voice is coming from a dish of nuts on the bar.
"Hey," the guy calls to the bartender, "What's with the
"Oh," the bartender answers, "They're complimentary."
A man walked into a bar and ordered a glass of white wine.
He took a sip of the wine, then tossed the
remainder in the bartender's face.
Before the bartender could recover from the surprise, the
man began weeping. "I'm really sorry. I keep doing that to
bartenders. I can't tell you how embarrassing it is to have a
compulsion like this."
Far from being angry, the bartender was sympathetic.
Before long, he was suggesting that the man see a
psychoanalyst about his problem.
"I happen to have the name of a psychoanalyst,"
the bartender said. "My brother and my wife have
both been treated by him, and they say he's as good
as they come." The man wrote down the name of
the doctor, thanked the bartender, and left. The bartender
smiled, knowing he'd done a good deed
for a fellow human being.
Six months later, the man was back. "Did you do
what I suggested?" the bartender asked, serving the glass of
"I certainly did," the man said. "I've been seeing the
psychoanalyst twice a week." He took a sip of the wine. Then
he threw the remainder into the bartender's face.
The flustered bartender wiped his face with a towel.
"The doctor doesn't seem to be doing you any good,"
"On the contrary," the man said," he's done me a world of
"But you just threw the wine in my face again!" the
"Yes" the man said. "But it doesn't embarrass me anymore!"
Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally able to speak
what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been.
"Sidney thought of everything," she told them. "Just before he died, Sidney
called me to his bedside. He handed me three envelopes. 'Tillie,' he told me, 'I
have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please
open them and do exactly as I have instructed. Then, I can rest in peace'."
"What was in the envelopes?" her friends asked.
"The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, 'Please use this money to
buy a nice casket.' So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such a
comfortable lining that I know Sidney is resting very comfortably."
"The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, 'Please use this for a
nice funeral.' I arranged Sidney a very dignified funeral and bought all his
favorite foods for everyone attending."
"And the third envelope?" asked her friends.
"The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, 'Please use this to buy a
Holding her hand in the air, Tillie said, "So, do you like my stone?" showing
off her ten carat diamond ring.
The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that
they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President
decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a
forest and has each of them try to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the
forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After
three months of extensive investigations they conclude that
rabbits do not exist.
Then the FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they
burn the forest, filling everything in it, including the
rabbit, and they make no apologies. "The rabbit had it coming!"
Then the LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a
badly beaten porcupine. The porcupine is yelling: "Okay! Okay!
I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit! Notice the soft fur?"
Three mothers were sitting around comparing notes on
their exemplary offspring. "There never was a daughter
more devoted than my Alice," said Mrs. Davis with a sniff.
"Every summer she takes me to the Catskills for a week,
and every winter we spend a week at Delray Beach."
"That's nothing compared to what my Anna does for me,"
declared Mrs. Jones proudly. "Every winter she treats me
to two weeks in Miami, and in the summer two weeks in the
Hamptons, in my own private guest house."
Mrs. Smith sat back with a proud smile. "Nobody loves her
mother like my Jackie does. Nobody."
"So what does she do?" asked the two women, turning to her.
"Three times a week she gets into a cab, goes to the best
psychiatrist in the city, and pays him a hundred and fifty
dollars an hour - just to talk about me!"
Two men met at a bar and struck up a conversation.
After a while one of them said, "You
think you have family problems? Listen to my situation: A few years ago I met a young widow with a
grown-up daughter and we got married. Lately, my father married my stepdaughter. That made my
stepdaughter my stepmother and my father became my stepson. Also my wife became mother-in-law
of her father-in-law. Then the daughter of my wife, my stepmother had a son. This boy was my half
brother because he was my father's son, but he was also the son of my wife's daughter which made
him my wife's grandson. That made me grandfather of my half-brother. This was nothing until my wife
and I had a son.
Now the sister of my son, my mother-in-law is also the grandmother. This makes my father the
brother-in-law of my child, whose stepsister is my father's wife. I am my stepmother's brother-in-law,
my wife is her own child's aunt, my son is my father's nephew and I am my own grandfather and you
think you have family problems."
There was a guy who
just got out of a really bad fight
with his neighbour he found a genie's lamp.
The genie came out and said," Hello master. I will grant
you three wishes but, what ever you wish for your neighbour
The guy didn't like that part but he made a wish anyway.
For his first wish, he said,
"Genie, I want a house in Hawaii." POOF!!! He got one
house, his neighbour got two. This didn't make him happy but,
he made his second wish.
"Genie,I want 2 billion dollars." POOF! He got two
billion, his neighbour four billion. By now, this guy isn't very
happy. The genie says,"You have one wish left. I have to
remind you, what ever you wish for your neighbour gets
double." The guy says," Yeah,yeah.I know." So the guy
thinks real hard and says "
I got it! Genie, beat me half to death!!"
A little Jewish boy
was doing very poorly in school,
especially math. So, his father, after much deliberation,
decided to send him to a catholic school because he
heard that they were very good. On the little boys very
first report card he got all A's. His dad was mystified
and he asked his son how he was doing so well. His son
replied " well, I really knew that they meant business the
very first day of school when I walked into that room
and they had that guy nailed to the plus-sign."
The pope was on a trip
to California. He got a very
sporty pope-mobile for this trip. He begged the chauffer
to let him drive. Finnally the chauffer gave in and let the
pope drive. Of course, the pope went crazy and was
going too fast. Finally he ran a stop light and was pulled
over by a policeman. The cop called his station to ask
them what to do because he just pulled over somebody
very, very important. His sargent asked who , our
mayor, a movie star, or what?? The cop replied Well
I'm not sure who, but he must be really important
because the pope is his chauffer!!", "
A young boy had just
gotten his driving permit. He
asked his father, who was a minister if they could
discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his
study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You
bring your grades up, study your bible a little and get
your hair cut and we'll talk about it."
After about a month the boy came back and again
asked his father if they could discuss use of the car.
They again went to the father's study where his father
said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You have
brought your grades up, you've studied your bible
diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!"
The young man waited and minute and replied, "You
know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know,
Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, why even
Jesus had long hair...."
To which his father replied...."Yes, and they WALKED
every where they went!"
Tommy: Ms. Craker I
do not think I diserve zero on my last
Ms. Craker I don't either but it's the lowest I can give
Q.How many Microsoft
Engineers does it take to
replace a light bulb? A.None.They declare darkness as
a new world standard.
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of
and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each on in turn.
When he finished them, he comes back into to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw
would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in
American, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all
left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we
all drank together."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it
The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same
way: he orders three pints and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints.
All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says,
"I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my
condolences on your great loss."
The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a lights dawns in his eye
and he laughs.
"Oh, no," he says, "Everyone is fine. I've just quit drinking!"
The European Union
commissioners have announced that agreement
has been reached to adopt English as the
preferred language for European
communications, rather than German, which
other possibility. As part of the negotiations,
Her Majesty's Government conceded that
spelling had some room for improvement and
accepted a five-year phased plan for what will
known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short). In the
first year, 's' will be used instead of the soft
'c'. Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this
news with joy. Also, the hard 'c' will be
replaced with 'k.' Not only will this klear up
konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the
sekond year, when the troublesome 'ph' will be
replaced by 'f'. This will make words like
'fotograf' 20 per sent shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new
spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage
more komplikated changes are possible.
will enkourage the removal of double letters,
which have always ben a deterent to akurate
speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes
of silent 'e's in the languag is disgrasful, and
they would go.
By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to
such as replasing 'th' by 'z' and 'W' by 'V'.
During ze fifz year, ze unesesary 'o' kan be
from vords kontaining 'ou', and similar changes
vud of kors; be aplid to ozer kombinations of
leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli
sensibl riten styl. Zer vil b no mor trubls or
difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu
understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru.
This story is about a rather strange reply for a
campground reservation. It is said to be true,
but you be the judge.
A woman who was rather old-fashioned,
and elegant - especially in her language - was
planning a week's vacation in Florida so she
to a particular campground and asked for a
She wanted to make sure the campground was
equipped, but didn't quite know how to ask
the toilet facilities. She just couldn't bring
herself to write the word 'TOILET' in her
After much deliberation, she finally came up
the old-fashioned term 'BATHROOM
when she wrote that down, she still thought she
was being too forward. So, she started all over
again, rewrote the letter and referred to the
bathroom commode merely as the B.C. 'Does
campground have it's own B.C.?' is what she
Well, the campground owner wasn't
all and when he got the letter, he just couldn't
figure out what the woman was talking about.
B.C. business really stumped him.
After worrying about it for a while, he showed
letter to several campers, but they couldn't
imagine what the lady meant either. So the
campground owner, finally coming to the
that the lady must be asking about the location
the local Baptist Church, sat down and wrote
'Dear Madam: I regret very much for the delay
answering your letter. I now take the pleasure
informing you that a B.C. is located nine miles
north of the campground and is capable of
250 people at one time. I admit it is quite a
distance away if you are in the habit of going
regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to
know that a great number of people usually
their lunches along and make a day of it. They
usually arrive early and stay late.'
'The last time my wife and I went was six years
ago and it was so crowded that we had to
the whole time we were there. It may interest
to know that right now, there is a supper being
planned to raise money to buy more seats.
going to hold it in the basement of the B.C.'
'I would like to say it pains me very much not
be able to go more regularly but it is sure no
lack of desire on my part. As we grow older, it
seems to be more of an effort, particularly in
'If you do decide to come down to our
perhaps I could go with you the first time you
sit with you, and introduce you to all the other
'Remember, this is a friendly community.'
A Truck Driver was driving down the highway
he saw a priest at the side of the Road. He
stopped to pick up the priest and give him a
A ways down the road the Truck Driver saw a
on the side of the road. He turned the truck on
direct course with the lawyer. Then he thought
'Oh no, I have a priest in the truck I can't run
down this lawyer' and at the last second the
Driver swerved to miss the lawyer.
But, the Truck Driver heard a thump outside of
truck, he looked in his rear-view mirror but
didn't see anything.
He turned to the priest and said 'Sorry Father,
just missed that Lawyer at the side of the road'
And the priest said 'Don't worry son, I got him
with my door'
A first grade teacher collected old, well known proverbs. She gave each
child in her class the first half of a proverb, and asked them to come up
with the rest.
As you shall make your bed so.... shall you mess it up.
Better be safe than.... punch a 5th grader.
Strike while the.... bug is close.
Its always darkest before.... daylight savings time
You can lead a horse to water but.... how?
Don't bite the hand that..... looks dirty.
A miss is as good as a....Mr.
You can't teach an old dog new..... math.
If you lie down with the dogs..... you'll stink in the morning.
The pen is mightier than the...pigs
An idle mind is..... the best way to relax.
Where there's smoke, there's....pollution.
Happy the bride who.... gets all the presents.
A penny saved is.....not much.
Two's company, three's..... the musketeers.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and...you have to blow your nose.
Children should be seen and not.....spanked or grounded.
When the blind leadeth the blind......get out of the way
Once a Pope and a lawyer died and they went
heaven. So God came and said, 'Follow me
will give you your rooms.'
So they both followed. First God gave the
room. It was very small with a small bed and a
'Thank you, thank you my lord,' said the Pope.
Then God gave the lawyer his room, it was big
with a big bed and a big deck with a pool and
'Mr.God, why do you give all this to me and
just that small room to the Pope?'
'Well, popes, we have them by the dozens, and
lawyers, well, your the first one.
Three explorers, an Englishman, a Frenchman, and an American from New
City are captured by cannibals.
The cannibal chief comes up to them and says "We're going to kill you,
and use your skins to make a canoe. But, you do get to choose how you die."
The Englishman pulls out a revolver, yells "God save the queen!" and
himself in the head.
The Frenchman pulls out a bottle of cyanide, shouts "Vive La France!"
poison, and dies.
The New Yorker pulls out a fork, and begins stabbing himself repeatedly
The cannibal chief is amazed. "Stop! What are you doing to yourself?"
The New Yorker, continuing to stab himself with the fork, looks at the
screams "This is what I think of your canoe!"
A duck walks into a grocery store and asks the manager, "Got any duck
The manager shook his head and the duck left.
The next day, the duck walks up to the manager again, "Got any duckfood,
The manager said, "No!" and the duck left.
The third day, the duck walks up to the manager, "Got any duck food
manager screamed, "No, I don't have any duck food! I'll never have any duck food!
And if you come in here and ask again, I'llnail those webbed feet to the floor!"
The next day, the duck walks up to the manager, "Got any nails?"
"Got any duck food?"'
THE BOSS ASKED FOR A LETTER DESCRIBING BOB SMITH:
Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often Bob takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
executed as soon as possible.
A MEMO WAS SOON SENT FOLLOWING THE LETTER:
That idiot was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier
today. Kindly read only the odd numbered lines (1, 3, 5, ...) for my true
assessment of him.
IN PRISON...you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK...you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.
IN PRISON...you get three meals a day.
AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.
IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK...you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
IN PRISON...a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the
IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON...you get your own toilet.
AT WORK...you have to share.
IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK...you cannot even speak to your family and friends.
IN PRISON...all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct
taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON...you spend most of your life looking through bars from the
wanting to get out.
AT WORK...you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
IN PRISON...there are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK...they are called managers.
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces
spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts:
"Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says, "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this
"You must work in information technology" says the balloonist.
"I do," replies the man. "How did you know."
"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct,
but it's of no use to anyone."
The man below says, "You must be a corporate manager."
"I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well", says the man, "You don't know where you are, or where you're going, but
you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we
met, but now it's my fault."
A guy's on the electric chair. The warden's just about to pull the switch
when the guy gets the
hiccups. The warden says, "Do you have any last requests?" The guy says, "(hic) Yeah... (hic) could
you please do (hic) could you please do something to scare me?"
A guy goes to visit his grandmother and he brings his friends with him.
While he's talking to his
grandmother, his friend starts eating the peanuts on the coffee table, and finishes them off. As they're
leaving, his friend says to his grandmother, "Thanks for the peanuts." She says, "Yeah, since I lost my
dentures I can only suck the chocolate off 'em kisses."
A guy walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up. The
boss says, "What happened to
your ears?" He says, "Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and I accidentally answered the iron." The boss says, "Well, that explains one ear, but what
happened to your other ear?" He says, "Well, jeez, I had to call the doctor!"
Two guys are out hiking. All of a sudden, a bear starts chasing them.
They climb a tree, but the bear
starts climbing up the tree after them. The first guy gets his sneakers out of his knapsack and starts
putting them on. The second guy says, "What are you doing? He says, "I figure when the bear gets
close to us, we'll jump down and make a run for it." The second guy says, "Are you crazy? You can't
outrun a bear." The first guy says, "I don't have to outrun the *bear*... I only have to outrun *you.*"
A journalist had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years
before the Gulf War, and she noted then that women customarily walked about
10 feet behind their husbands.
She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives.
She approached one of the women for an explanation. "This is marvelous," said the journalist. "What enabled
women here to achieve this reversal of roles?
Replied the Kuwaiti woman: "Land mines"
The service was
about to start. Everyone was in their pews chatting about their families,
jobs, etc. when suddenly
Satan appeared in the front of the church.
Panic ensued. In their rush to get out the back doors, people jumped over pews, trampled one another, and flew
through the doors at record speeds. When the dust settled the only ones in the auditorium are Satan and one older
gentleman, who did not seem at all concerned that Satan was standing directly in front of him.
Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Do you know who I am?"
To which the older gentleman replied, "Yup. Sure do."
Satan: "Aren't you afraid of me?"
Older gentleman: "Nope, sure ain't."
Satan was quite perturbed at this so he got right in the man's face and asked, "And would you mind telling me why
not?" The older gentleman replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years."
God created the mule, and told him, "You are mule. You will work
constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You
will eat grass and lack intelligence. You will live for 50 years."
The mule answered, "To live like this for 50 years is too much. Please,
give me no more than 20."
And it was so.
Then God created the dog, and told him, "You are dog. You will hold
vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest
companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years."
The dog responded, "Lord, to live 25 years as a dog like that is too
much. Please, no more than 10 years."
And it was so.
God then created the monkey, and told him, "You are monkey. You shall
swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and
you shall live for 20 years."
The monkey responded, "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world
is too much. Please, Lord, give me no than 10 years."
And it was so.
Finally, God created Man and told him, "You are Man, the only rational
Being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have
mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and
live for 20 years."
The man responded, "Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little.
Please, Lord; give me the 20 years the mule refused, the 15 years the
dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey rejected."
And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 20
years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he
is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and
eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry; then, in his old age,
to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like an idiot to amuse his