Steven Wright One-Liners
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've
forgotten this before.
Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic. I mimic my shadow.
I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me
-- and I didn't hear it.
He asked me if I knew what time it was. I said, "Yes, but not right now."
I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into
I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No
brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it.
My watch is three hours fast, and I can't fix it. So I'm going to move to New
I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
I like to skate on the other side of the ice.
I'm so hyper... (Said with a very dull voice.)
If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.
Four years ago... No, it was yesterday. Today I... No, that wasn't me.
Sometimes I... No, I don't.
Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
--- big picture ---
A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet
Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."
Every so often, I like to stick my head out the window, look up, and smile for
a satellite picture.
I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...
Sorry, my mind was wandering. One time my mind went all the way to Venus on
mail order and I couldn't pay for it.
I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, "Scale: 1 mile =
1 mile." I spent last summer folding it. I also have a full-size map of the
world. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, "E6".
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the
beaches of the world... Perhaps you've seen it.
It's a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds died they'd just stay
right up there. Hunters would be all confused.
When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.
--- banks ---
I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?"
I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."
I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much time.
--- museums ---
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues
that are in all the other museums.
I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With
Pail... Kitten On Fire.
One time I went to a museum where all the work in the museum had been done by
children. They had all the paintings up on refrigerators.
--- movies ---
Last time I went to the movies I was thrown out for bringing my own food. My
argument was that the concession stand prices are outrageous. Besides, I
haven't had a Bar-B-Que in a long time.
One time I went to a drive-in in a taxi cab. The movie cost me $95.
I went to the cinema, and the prices were: Adults $5.00, children $2.50. So I
said, "Give me two boys and a girl."
--- restaurants ---
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time." So I ordered
French Toast during the Renaissance.
I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the
shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the
table would move across the floor to it.
There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the back you
can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.