Steven Wright One-Liners

--- stores ---

I went to a general store.  They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.

Years ago, I worked in a natural, organic health food store in Seattle,
Washington.  One day a man walked in and asked, "If I can melt dry ice, can I
swim without getting wet?"  Two days later I was fired for eating cotton candy
and drinking straight Bosco on the job.

I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's.  The clerk said,

I was in the grocery store.  I saw a sign that said "pet supplies."  So I did.
Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars"...

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery.  When I got there, the guy was
locking the front door.  I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours."  He
said, "Yes, but not in a row."

I love to go shopping.  I love to freak out salespeople.  They ask me if they
can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?"  Then they ask me
what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."

I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint.  It was in the shape
of a house.  I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included.  So I had
to buy them again.

I went into a clothes store the other day and a salesman walked up to me and
said, "Can I help you?"  And I said "Yeah, do you got anything I like?"  He
said, "What do you mean do we have anything you like?"  I said, "You started

I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, "It's
free with purchase."  I asked her if anyone bought anything today.

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were
trapped on the escalators.

I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas.  I took it to the Gift Wrap
Department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know
when to stop unwrapping.

Friday, I was in a bookstore and I started talking to a French looking girl.
She was a bilingual illiterate -- she couldn't read in two different languages.

--- appliances ---

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier...  I put them in the
same room and let them fight it out.  Then I filled my humidifier with wax, and
now my room is all shiny.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for *permanent* press?  I don't get it...

I have a microwave fireplace in my house...  The other night I laid down in
front of the fire for the evening in two minutes.

My VCR flashes 01:35, 01:35, 01:35, ...

I have the oldest typewriter in the world.  It types in pencil.

I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.

I invented the cordless extension cord.

--- telephones ---

Under my bed I have shoe box full of telephone rings.  Whenever I get lonely I
open it up just a bit and I get a call.  One time I dropped the box all over
the floor and the phone wouldn't stop ringing, so I had it disconnected.  I
bought a new phone though. I didn't have much money so I had to buy an
irregular phone -- it had no number 5 on it.

I saw a close friend of mine the other day...  He said, "Steven, why haven't
you called me?"  I said, "I can't call everyone I want.  My new phone has no
five on it."  He said, "How long have you had it?"  I said, "I don't know...
My calendar has no sevens on it."

I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be.  I called someone.  They
went "Aaaaahhhh..."

Today I dialed a wrong number...  The other person said, "Hello?"  And I said,
"Hello, could I speak to Joey?"...  They said, "Uh...  I don't think so...
he's only 2 months old."  I said, "I'll wait."

I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Information.  She
said, "Hello, Information."  I said, "I can't find my socks."  She said,
"They're behind the couch."  And they were!