Steven Wright One-Liners
--- stores ---
I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.
Years ago, I worked in a natural, organic health food store in Seattle,
Washington. One day a man walked in and asked, "If I can melt dry ice, can I
swim without getting wet?" Two days later I was fired for eating cotton candy
and drinking straight Bosco on the job.
I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said,
I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies." So I did.
Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars"...
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was
locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He
said, "Yes, but not in a row."
I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they
can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me
what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."
I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape
of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had
to buy them again.
I went into a clothes store the other day and a salesman walked up to me and
said, "Can I help you?" And I said "Yeah, do you got anything I like?" He
said, "What do you mean do we have anything you like?" I said, "You started
I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, "It's
free with purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything today.
There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were
trapped on the escalators.
I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap
Department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know
when to stop unwrapping.
Friday, I was in a bookstore and I started talking to a French looking girl.
She was a bilingual illiterate -- she couldn't read in two different languages.
--- appliances ---
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier... I put them in the
same room and let them fight it out. Then I filled my humidifier with wax, and
now my room is all shiny.
Ever notice how irons have a setting for *permanent* press? I don't get it...
I have a microwave fireplace in my house... The other night I laid down in
front of the fire for the evening in two minutes.
My VCR flashes 01:35, 01:35, 01:35, ...
I have the oldest typewriter in the world. It types in pencil.
I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.
I invented the cordless extension cord.
--- telephones ---
Under my bed I have shoe box full of telephone rings. Whenever I get lonely I
open it up just a bit and I get a call. One time I dropped the box all over
the floor and the phone wouldn't stop ringing, so I had it disconnected. I
bought a new phone though. I didn't have much money so I had to buy an
irregular phone -- it had no number 5 on it.
I saw a close friend of mine the other day... He said, "Steven, why haven't
you called me?" I said, "I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no
five on it." He said, "How long have you had it?" I said, "I don't know...
My calendar has no sevens on it."
I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They
Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" And I said,
"Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't think so...
he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."
I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She
said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said,
"They're behind the couch." And they were!