Murphys Laws

Murphys Laws

 Murphy's Laws.

 1. If anything can go wrong it will
 2. Nothing is ever as simple as it seems
 3. Everything takes longer than you expect
 4. If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that
    will do the most damage will go wrong first.
 5. Left to themselves, all things go from bad to worse.
 6. If you play with something long enough, you will surely break it.
 7. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked 
 8. If you see that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go
    wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, will
    promptly develop.
 9. Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
10. Mother Nature is a bitch.
11. It is impossible to make anything foolproof, because fools are so
12. If a great deal of time has been expended seeking the answer to a problem
    with the only result being failure, the answer will be immediately
    obvious to the first unqualified person.
13. If anything just cannot go wrong, it will anyway.

After things have gone from bad to worse, the cycle will repeat itself.
	-- Farnsdick's corollary

Murphy was an optimist.
	-- O'Toole's Commentary

1. If the enemy is in range, so are you.
2. Incoming fire has the right of way.
3. Don't look conspicuous; it draws fire.
	( For this reason aircraft carriers have been called "Bomb Magnets")
4. There is always a way.
5. The easy way is always mined.
6. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.
      ( Trivia devotees will recall the sudden disappearance of rank and
      distinctive caps on the uniforms worn by Soviet officers in
7. Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are dangerous.
8. The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions:
 a. when you're ready for them.
 b. when you're not ready for them.
9. Teamwork is essential, it gives them someone else to shoot at.
10. If you can't remember, then the claymore is pointed at you.
11. The enemy diversion you have been ignoring will be the main attack.
12. A "sucking chest wound" is nature's way of telling you to slow down.
13. If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.
14. Never draw fire, it irritates everyone around you.
15. Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing.
16. Make it tough enough for the enemy to get in and you won't be able to 
    get out.
      ( This seems to be the guiding design principle behind the Soviet's
      BMP and our Bradley infantry vehicle, both of which nicely package the
      troops in armored boxes for group destruction)
17. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.
18. If you're short of everything but the enemy, you're in a combat zone.
19. When you have secured an area, don't forget to tell the enemy.
20. Never forget that your weapon is made by the lowest bidder.
21. Friendly fire isn't.
22. If the sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.
23. Never stand when you can sit, never sit when you can lie down, never
    stay awake when you can sleep.
24. The most dangerous thing in the world is a second lieutenant with a map
    and a compass.
25. There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.
26. A grenade with a seven second fuse will always burn down in four seconds.
27. Remember, a retreating enemy is probably just falling back and regrouping.
28. If at first you don't succeed call in an air-strike.
29. Exceptions prove the rule, and destroy the battle plan.
30. Everything always works in your HQ, everything always fails in the
    colonel's HQ.
31. The enemy never takes notice until you make a mistake.
32. One enemy soldier is never enough, but two is entirely too many.
33. A clean (and dry) set of BDU's is a magnet for mud and rain.
34. Whenever you have plenty of ammo, you never miss. Whenever you are low
    on ammo, you can't hit the broad side of a barn.
35. The more a weapon costs, the farther you will have to send it away to
    be repaired.
36. Field experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
37. Interchangeable parts aren't.
38. No matter which way you have to march, its always uphill.
39. If enough data is collected, a board of inquiry can prove ANYTHING.
40. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. (in boot camp)
41. The one item you need is always in short supply.
42. The worse the weather, the more you are required to be out in it.
43. The complexity of a weapon is inversely proportional to the IQ of the
    weapon's operator.
44. Airstrikes always overshoot the target, artillery always falls short.
45. When reviewing the radio frequencies that you just wrote down, the most
    important ones are always illegible.
46. Those who hesitate under fire usually do not end up KIA or WIA.
47. The tough part about being an officer is that the troops don't know what
    they want, but they know for certain what they DON'T want.
48. To steal information from a person is called plagiarism. To steal
    information from the enemy is called gathering intelligence.
49. The weapon that usually jams when you need it the most is the M60.
50. The perfect officer for the job will transfer in the day after that
    billet is filled by someone else.
51. When you have sufficient supplies & ammo, the enemy takes 2 weeks to
    attack. When you are low on supplies & ammo the enemy decides to attack
    that night.
52. The newest and least experienced soldier will usually win the 
    Medal Of Honor.
53. A Purple Heart just goes to prove that were you smart enough to think
    of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and luck enough to survive.
54. Murphy was a grunt.
55. You aren't Superman. (Freshly graduated recruits from Marine boot camp,
    and all fighter pilots, especially, take note)
56. Suppressive fires - won't.
57. If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid.
58. When in doubt empty the magazine.
59. No plan survives the first contact intact.
60. If you are forward of your position, the artillery will fall short.
61. The important things are always simple.
62. The simple things are always hard.
63. No-combat ready group has passed inspection.
      Note: No marine unit has ever failed a combat readiness inspection,
      which suggests peacetime inspections are readiness as mess hall food
      is cuisine)
64. Beer Math -] 2 beers time 37 men equals 49 cases.
65. Body count math -] 3 guerrillas plus 1 probable plus 2 pigs equals 37
    enemies killed in action. 
66. Things that must be together to work, usually can't be shipped together.
67. Radios will fail as soon as you need fire support desperately.
      (Corollary: Radar tends to fail at night and in bad weather, and
      especially during both)
68. Tracers work both ways.
69. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming
    friendly fire.
70. If you take more than your share of objectives, you will have more
    than your fair share to take.
71. When both sides are convinced they are about to lose, they're both right.
72. The enemy never monitors your radio traffic until you broadcast on an
    unsecure channel.
73. Whenever you drop your equipment in a fire-fight, your ammo and grenades
    always fall the farthest away, and your canteen always lands at your feet.
74. As soon as you are served hot chow in the field, it rains.
75. Never tell the platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.
76. The seriousness of a wound is inversely proportional to the distance to
    the nearest form of cover. 
77. Walking point = sniper bait.
78. Your bivouac for the night is the spot where you got tired of marching
    that day.
79. If only one solution can be found for a field problem, then it is usually
     a stupid solution.
80. Recoiless weapons aren't.
81. Suppressive fire works on everything but the enemy.
82. All or any of the above combined

Robyn's first law of computers:
When putting something into memory, remember where the fuck you put it!!!

 Cooke's Law
 In any decision situation, the amount of relevant information available is inversely proportional to the importance of the decision.

 Law of the Perversity of Nature 
You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter.

 Ross's Law
Bare feet magnetize sharp metal objects so they always point upwards from the floor-especially in the dark.

 Simmons's Law
The desire for racial integration increases with the square of the distance from the actual event.

 Acheson's Rule of the Bureaucracy
A memorandum is written not to inform the reader but to protect the writer.

 Avery's Rule of Three
Trouble strikes in series of threes, but when working around the house the next job after a series of three is not the fourth job - it's the start of a brand new series of three.

 Calkin's Law of Menu Language
The number of adjectives and verbs that are added to the description of a menu item is in inverse proportion to the quality of the dish. 
 Canada Bill Jones's Motto
It is morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
 Canada Bill Jones's Supplement
A Smith and Wesson beats four aces.

 The 10 Commandments of the Frisbee
1. The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc straining to get
   under a car
2. The higher the quality of the catch the greater the probability of a
   crummy rethrow (Good catch-bad throw).
3. One must never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive than,
   "Watch This!".
4. The higher the costs of hitting any object the greater the certainty it
   will be struck.
5. The best catches are never seen.
6. The greatest single aid to distance is for the disc to be going in the
   wrong direction;(Goes the wrong way-goes a long way).
7. The most powerful hex words in the world of sport are- "I really have
   this down-watch".(Know it -blow it).
8. In any crowd of spectators at least one will suggest that razor blades
   could be attached to the disc.
9. The greater your need to make a good catch the greater the probability
   your partner will deliver his worst throw.
10. The single most difficult move with a disc is to put it down. (Just
    one more throw).

1. The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave
   her with no hard feelings.
2. Nothing improves with age.
3. No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because
   it'll never be quite the same again.
4. Sex has no calories.
5. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of
6. There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
7. Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.
8. No sex with anyone in the same office.
9. Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or
   how long it is going to last.
10. A man in the house is worth two in the street.
11. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
12. Virginity can be cured.
13. When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening
    to him.
14. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
15. The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same
    ones she can't stand years later.
16. Sex is dirty only if it's done right.
17. It is always the wrong time of month.
18. The best way to hold a man is in your arms.
19. When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.
20. Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't
21. Sow your wild oats on Saturday night -- Then on Sunday pray for crop
22. The younger the better.
23. The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.
24. It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused
    the trouble in the garden.
25. Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.
26. There is no such thing as an ugly woman. Only too little wine.
27. Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs.
28. There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex.
    But there is nothing exactly like it.
29. Love your neighbor, but don't get caught.
30. Love is a hole in the heart.
31. If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into 
    our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon.
32. Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.
33. Do it only with the best.
34. Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter
    words to convey its full meaning.
35. One good turn gets most of the blankets.
36. You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.
37. Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
38. It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
39. Thou shalt not commit adultery.....unless in the mood.
40. Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.
41. Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.
42. Never argue with a women when she's tired -- or rested.
43. A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he
44. What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.
45. It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
46. Never say no.
47. A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.
48. Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps.
49. Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.
50. Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog.
51. A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.
52. Love comes in spurts.
53. The world does not revolve on an axis.
54. Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are 
55. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
56. Don't do it if you can't keep it up.
57. There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall 
    in love.
58. Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.
59. Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
60. "This won't hurt, I promise."

----- Lies about Love: -----
Everyone does this, it's perfectly normal.
It's dangerous to your health to get excited and then stop.
I'll stop as soon as you say.   [She's heard this one before, huh?]
I'll tell her(him) tonight.
Well, the clinic said I was clear!
Nobody can hear us.  [Yea, that's what you think!]
I'll never put myself through this again

----- Men's Lies: -----
Sex isn't everything.
This has nothing to do with my mother.
It's not your fault.
It's too late.
I read an article today.
I'm allergic to rubber.
We'll try again when we wake up.
It has a mind of it's own.
This has never happened before.

----- Party Lies -----
I'm not gonna drink too much tonight.
They'll all be wearing jeans.
There are no bones in this fish.
The neighbors are very tolerant.
Just half a glass, thanks.
He doesn't normally act like this when he's been drinking.
It's no trouble if you stay the night.

----- Salesman Lies -----
You won't see this anywhere else.
This sort of thing never goes out of fashion.
Bring it back if you don't like it.
This is a never-to-be repeated offer!
Unbelievably low prices.
It's the last one in stock.
You'll have no trouble with it.

----- Drivers Stopped by the Law Lies -----
I was just going the speed limit.
I only had one.
What stop sign?
The light was green when I started through the intersection.
He came from nowhere when I changed lanes.
Officer, I can walk without any assistance.

----- Computer Lies -----
If you have any problems, just call us.
What you see on the screen, you get on paper.
Someone must have erased my program.
They don't make those chips anymore.
If kids use them, so can adults.
Oh yeah, it's compatible with everything.
You won't need any special training.
There's no harm in trying - nothing can go wrong.
The manual explains everything.

----- Political Lies -----
He's a real honest man, believe me.
I fought to keep that bill from passing.
I promise I'll do it right.
Elect me and the country will become better
On a tombstone ---  Here lies an honest man and politician.

Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, the organism will do as it damn well pleases.
	-- Harvard's Law

Never replicate a successful experiment.
	-- Fett's Law

Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.
	-- von Braun

It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
	-- Stewart's Law of Retroaction

It is not an optical illusion, it just looks like one.
	-- Phil White

There are two rules for success...
1) Never tell everything you know.
	-- Roger H. Lincoln

When in doubt, predict that the present trend will continue.
	-- Merkin's Maxim

			List of Laws

Anthony's Law of Force:  
   Don't force it; get a larger hammer.

Anthony's Law of the Workshop:  
   Any tool when dropped, will roll into the least accessible
   corner of the workshop.

Arnold's Laws of Documentation:  
   (1) If it should exist, it doesn't.
   (2) If it does exist, it's out of date.  
   (3) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the first two laws.

Arthur's Laws of Love:  
(1) People to whom you are attracted invariably think you
   remind them of someone else.
(2) The love letter you finally got the courage to send will be
   delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool of
   yourself in person.

Bagdikian's Observation:  
   Trying to be a first-rate reporter on the average American
   newspaper is like trying to play Bach's "St.  Matthew Passion"
   on a ukelele.

Baker's First Law of Federal Geometry:  
   A block grant is a solid mass of money surrounded on all sides
   by governors.

Barach's Rule:  
   An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his own

Baruch's Observation:  
   If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

Beifeld's Principle:  
   The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and
   receptive young female increases by pyramidal progression when
   he is already in the company of:  
      (1) a date, 
      (2) his wife,
      (3) a better looking and richer male friend.

Boling's postulate:  
   If you're feeling good, don't worry.  You'll get over it.

Bolub's Fourth Law of Computerdom:  
   Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so
   vividly manifests their lack of progress.

Bombeck's Rule of Medicine:  
   Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

Boob's Law:  
   You always find something in the last place you look.

Boren's Laws:  
   (1) When in charge, ponder.  
   (2) When in trouble, delegate.  
   (3) When in doubt, mumble.

Bradley's Bromide:  
   If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a
   committee -- that will do them in.

Brady's First Law of Problem Solving:  
   When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more
   easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone
   Ranger have handled this?"

Brewer's Observation:  
   No good deed goes unpunished.

Brook's Law:  
   Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.

Brooke's Law:  
   Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool
   discovers something which either abolishes the system or
   expands it beyond recognition.

Bucy's Law:  
   Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.

Cahn's Axiom:  
   When all else fails, read the instructions.

Captain Penny's Law:  
   You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of
   the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom.

Chism's Law of Completion:  
   The amount of time required to complete a government project
   is precisely equal to the length of time already spent on it.

Chisolm's First Corollary to Murphy's Second Law:  
   When things just can't possibly get any worse, they will.

Churchill's Commentary on Man:  
   Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the
   time he will pick himself up and continue on.

Colvard's Logical Premises:  
   All probabilities are 50%.  Either a thing will happen or it

Colvard's Unconscionable Commentary:  
   This is especially true when dealing with someone you're
   attracted to.

Conway's Law:  
   In any organization, there will always be one person who knows
   what's going on; This person must be fired.

   1.  Nobody whom you ask for help will see it.  
   2.  The first person who stops by, whose advice you 
       really don't want to hear, will see it immediately.

Denniston's Law:  
   Virtue is its own punishment.

DeVries's Dilemma:  
   If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you don't want
   hits the paper.

Drew's Law of Highway Biology:  
   The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly in
   front of your eyes.

Ducharm's Axiom:  
   If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize
   yourself as part of the problem.

Ducharme's Precept:  
   Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.

Emerson's Law of Contrariness:  
   Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do what
   we can.  Having found them, we shall then hate them for it.

Fifth Law of Applied Terror:  
   If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.  
   Corollary:  If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget
   where you live.

Fifth Law of Procrastination:  
   Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that
   there is nothing important to do.

Finagle's Creed:  
   Science is true.  Don't be misled by facts.

Finagle's First Law:  
   If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.

Finagle's Second Law:  
   No matter what the anticipated result, there will always be
   someone eager to
   (a) misinterpret it, 
   (b) fake it, or 
   (c) believe it happened according to his own pet theory.

Finagle's Third Law:  
   In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct,
   beyond all need of checking, is the mistake

Finagle's Fourth Law:  
   Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only
   makes it worse.

Finster's Law:  
   A closed mouth gathers no feet.

First Law of Bicycling:  
   No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the

First Law of Procrastination:  
   Procrastination shortens the job and places the responsibility
   for its termination on someone else (i.e., the authority who
   imposed the deadline).

First Law of Socio-Genetics:  
   Celibacy is not hereditary.

First Rule of History:  
   History doesn't repeat itself -- historians merely repeat each

Flon's Law:  
   There is not now, and never will be, a language in which it is
   the least bit difficult to write bad programs.

Flugg's Law:  
   When you need to knock on wood is when you realize that the
   world is composed of vinyl, Naugahyde and aluminum.

Fourth Law of Applied Terror:  
   The night before the English History mid-term, your Biology
   instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria.
      Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do
      except study for that instructor's course.

Fourth Law of Revision:  
   It is usually impractical to worry beforehand about
   interferences -- if you have none, someone will make one for

Freeman's Commentary on Ginsberg's theorem:  
   Every major philosophy that attempts to make life seem
   meaningful is based on the negation of one part of Ginsberg's
   Theorem.  To wit:
   1.  Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win.
   2.  Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break even.  
   3.  Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can
   quit the game.

Fresco's Discovery:  
   If you knew what you were doing you'd probably be bored.

Fudd's First Law of Opposition:  
   Push something hard enough and it will fall over.

Gerrold's Laws of Infernal Dynamics:  
   1.  An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong
   2.  An object at rest will always be in the wrong place.
   3.  The energy required to change either one of these states
       will always be more than you wish to expend, but never so
       much as to make the task totally impossible.

Ginsberg's Theorem:  
   1.  You can't win.  
   2.  You can't break even.  
   3.  You can't even quit the game.

Glib's Fourth Law of Unreliability:  
   Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the
   probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting
   some useful work done.

Glyme's Formula for Success:  
   The secret to success is sincerity.  Once you can fake that,
   you've got it made.

Gold's Law:  
   If the shoe fits, it's ugly

Goldenstern's Rules:  
   1.  Always hire a rich attorney 
   2.  Never buy from a rich salesman.

Gordian Maxim:  
   If a string has one end, it has another.

Grabel's Law:  
   2 is not equal to 3 -- not even for large values of 2.

Grandpa Charnock's Law:  
   You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Gray's Law of Programming:  
   `n+1' trivial tasks are expected to be accomplished in the
   same time as `n' tasks.

Green's Law of Debate: 
   Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking

Greener's Law:  
   Never argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel.

Grelb's Reminder:  
   Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above
   average drivers.

H.  L.  Mencken's Law:  
   Those who can -- do.  Those who can't -- teach.
   Martin's Extension:  
      Those who cannot teach -- administrate.

Hacker's Law:  
   The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir a
   nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions.

Hall's Laws of Politics:  
   (1) The voters want fewer taxes and more spending.  
   (2) Citizens want honest politicians until they want something
   (3) Constituency drives out consistency (i.e., liberals defend
       military spending, and conservatives social spending in
       their own districts).

Hanlon's Razor:  
   Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained
   by stupidity.

Hanson's Treatment of Time:  
   There are never enough hours in a day, but always too many
   days before Saturday.

Harrisberger's Fourth Law of the Lab:  
   Experience is directly proportional to the amount of equipment

Harrison's Postulate:  
   For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

Hartley's First Law:  
   You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float
   on his back, you've got something.

Hartley's Second Law:  
   Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.

Heller's Law:  
   The first myth of management is that it exists.

Hlade's Law:  
   If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person -- they
   will find an easier way to do it.

Hoare's Law of Large Problems:  
   Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to
   get out.

Hofstadter's Law:  
   It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take
   Hofstadter's Law into account.

Horngren's Observation:  
   Among economists, the real world is often a special case.

Howe's Law:  
   Everyone has a scheme that will not work.

Hurewitz's Memory Principle:  
   The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional to
   .....  to ........  uh ..............

Jacquin's Postulate:  
   No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the
   legislature is in session.

Johnson's Corollary:  
   Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within the

Kramer's Law:  
   You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the

Lieberman's Law:  
   Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter, cuz nobody listens.

Logg's Rebuttal to Gray's Law:  
   `n+1' trivial tasks take twice as long as `n' trivial tasks.

Lynch's Law:  
   When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.

Mason's First Law of Synergism:  
   The one day you'd sell your soul for something, souls are a

Meade's Maxim:  
   Always remember that you are absolutely unique, just like
   everyone else.

Muir's Law:  
   When we try to pick out anything by itself, we find it hitched
   to everything else in the universe.

Naeser's Law:  
   You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it

O'Reilly's Law of the Kitchen:  
   Cleanliness is next to impossible

Oliver's Law of Location:  
   No matter where you go, there you are.

Putt's Law:  
   Technology is dominated by two types of people:  Those who
   understand what they do not manage.  Those who manage what
   they do not understand.

Ralph's Observation:  
   It is a mistake to let any mechanical object realize that you
   are in a hurry.
      On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first
      strike your toes.

Sausage Principle:  
   People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch
   either one being made.

  The correct advice to give is the advice that is desired.

  The purpose of the communication is to advance the communicator.

  The information conveyed is less important than the impression.

  Change is the status quo.

  Management by objectives is no better than the objectives.

  A manager cannot tell if he is leading an innovative mob or being chased by

  Any decision is better than no decision.

  A decision is judged by the conviction with which it is uttered.

  To protect your position, fire the fastest rising employees first.

   Decisions are justified by the benefits to the organization,
   but they are MADE by considering the benefits to the

   Anyone else who can be blamed should be blamed.
   Anything that can go wrong will go wrong faster with computers.
   Whenever a computer can be blamed, it should be blamed.

   Adding manpower to a late technology project only makes it later.

Paul Dickson's THE OFFICIAL RULES, with its sequel THE OFFICIAL
EXPLANATIONS.  I quote from "Gilb's Laws of Reliability":

(1) Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable.  

(2) Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable.  

(3) The only difference between a fool and a criminal is that the fool will
attack a system unpredictably and on a broader front.  

(4) A system tends to grow in complexity instead of simplicity, until the
resulting unreliability becomes intolerable.  

(5) Self-checking systems tend to have a complexity in proportion to their
inherent unreliability.  

(6) The error-detection and -correction capabilities of any system serve as a
key to understanding the types of errors it cannot handle.

(7) Undetectable errors are infinite in variety, in contrast to detectable
errors, which by definition are finite.

(8) All real programs contain errors until proved otherwise which is impossible.  

(9) Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the probable
cost of errors, or until somebody insists on getting some useful work done.

		  Augustine's Laws

Norman R. Augustine, president and chief operating officer of Martin Marietta
has written a book (available in paperback) called "Augustine's Laws"in which
he succinctly sums up the pitfalls that confront business managers today.

   The best way to make a silk purse from a sow's ear is to begin
   with a silk sow.  The same is true of money.

   If today were half as good as tomorrow is supposed to be, it
   would probably be twice as good as yesterday was.

   There are no lazy veteran lion hunters.

   If you can afford to advertise, you don't need to.

   One-tenth of the participants produce over one-third of the
   output.  Increasing the number of participants merely reduces
   the average output.

   A hungry dog hunts best.  A hungrier dog hunts even better.

   Decreased business base increases overhead.  So does increased
   business base.

   The most unsuccessful four years in the education of a
   cost-estimator is fifth grade arithmetic.

   Acronyms and abbreviations should be used to the maximum
   extent possible to make trivial ideas

   Bulls do not win bull fights; people do.  
   People do not win people fights; lawyers do.

   If the Earth could be made to rotate twice as fast, managers
   would get twice as much done.  If the Earth could be made to
   rotate twenty times as fast, everyone else would get twice as
   much done since all the managers would fly off.

   It costs a lot to build bad products.

   There are many highly successful businesses in the United
   States.  There are also many highly paid executives.  The
   policy is not to intermingle the two.

   After the year 2015, there will be no airplane crashes.  There
   will be no takeoffs either, because electronics will occupy
   100 percent of every airplane's weight.

   The last 10 percent of performance generates one-third of the
   cost and two-thirds of the problems.

   In the year 2054, the entire defense budget will purchase just
   one aircraft.  This aircraft will have to be shared by the Air
   Force and Navy 3-1/2 days each per week except for leap year,
   when it will be made available to the Marines for the extra

   Software is like entropy.  It is difficult to grasp, weighs
   nothing, and obeys the Second Law of Thermodynamics;i.e., it
   always increases.

   It is very expensive to achieve high unreliability.  It is not
   uncommon to increase the cost of an item by a factor of ten
   for each factor of ten degradation accomplished.

   Although most products will soon be too costly to purchase,
   there will be a thriving market in the sale of books on how to
   fix them.

   In any given year, Congress will appropriate the amount of
   funding approved the prior year plus three-fourths of whatever
   change the administration requests -- minus 4-percent tax.

   It's easy to get a loan unless you need it.

   If stock market experts were so expert, they would be buying
   stock, not selling advice.

   Any task can be completed in only one-third more time than is
   currently estimated.

   The only thing more costly than stretching the schedule of an
   established project is accelerating it, which is itself the
   most costly action known to man.

   A revised schedule is to business what a new season is to an
   athlete or a new canvas to an artist.

   If a sufficient number of management layers are superimposed
   on each other, it can be assured that disaster is not left to

   Rank does not intimidate hardware.  Neither does the lack of

   It is better to be the reorganizer than the reorganizee.

   Executives who do not produce successful results hold on to
   their jobs only about five years.  Those who produce effective
   results hang on about half a decade.

   By the time the people asking the questions are ready for the
   answers, the people doing the work have lost track of the

   The optimum committee has no members.

   Hiring consultants to conduct studies can be an excellent
   means of turning problems into gold -- your problems into
   their gold.

   Fools rush in where incumbents fear to tread.

   The process of competitively selecting contractors to perform
   work is based on a system of rewards and penalties, all
   distributed randomly.

   The weaker the data available upon which to base one's
   conclusion, the greater the precision which should be quoted
   in order to give the data authenticity.

   The thickness of the proposal required to win a multimillion
   dollar contract is about one millimeter per million dollars.
   If all the proposals conforming to this standard were piled on
   top of each other at the bottom of the Grand Canyon it would
   probably be a good idea.

   Ninety percent of the time things will turn out worse than you
   expect.  The other 10 percent of the time you had no right to
   expect so much.

   The early bird gets the worm.  
   The early worm....gets eaten.

   Never promise to complete any project within six months of the
   end of the year -- in either direction.

   Most projects start out slowly -- and then sort of taper off.

   The more one produces, the less one gets.

   Simple systems are not feasible because they require infinite

   Hardware works best when it matters the least.

   Aircraft flight in the 21st century will always be in a
   westerly direction, preferably supersonic, crossing time zones
   to provide the additional hours needed to fix the broken

   One should expect that the expected can be prevented, but the
   unexpected should have been expected.

   A billion saved is a billion earned.

   Two-thirds of the Earth's surface is covered with water.  The
   other third is covered with auditors from headquarters.

   The more time you spend talking about what you have been
   doing, the less time you have to spend doing what you have
   been talking about.  Eventually, you spend more and more time
   talking about less and less until finally you spend all your
   time talking about nothing.

   Regulations grow at the same rate as weeds.

   The average regulation has a life span one-fifth as long as a
   chimpanzee's and one-tenth as long as a human's -- but four
   times as long as the official's who created it.

   By the time of the United States Tricentennial, there will be
   more government workers than there are workers.

   People working in the private sector should try to save money.
   There remains the possibility that it may someday be valuable

		   More of Murphy's Laws
 *  A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.
 *  A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
 *  A free agent is anything but.
 *  As soon as the stewardess serves the coffee, the airline encounters
 *  Exceptions always outnumber rules.
 *  Exceptions prove the rule ... and wreck the budget.
 *  Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
 *  For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
 *  He who hesitates is probably right.
 *  If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
 *  If enough data is collected, anything may be proven by statistical
 *  If it says "one size fits all," it doesn't fit anyone.
 *  If only one price can be obtained for a quotation, the price will be
 *  If something is confidential, it will be left in the copier machine.
 *  Interchangeable parts won't.
 *  Life can be only understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards.
 *  Love letters, business contracts and money due you always arrive three
    weeks late, whereas junk mail arrives the day it was sent.
 *  Never ask the barber if you need a haircut or a salesman if his is a good
 *  Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
 *  No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in
 *  No matter which way you go, it's uphill and against the wind.
 *  No one is listening until you make a mistake.
 *  One child is not enough, but two children are far too many.
 *  Quality assurance doesn't.
 *  Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
 *  The bag that breaks is the one with the eggs.
 *  The book you spent $20.95 for today will come out in paperback tomorrow.
 *  The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
 *  The hardness of the butter is in direct proportion to the softness of the
 *  The hidden flaw never remains hidden.
 *  The ideal resume will turn up one day after the position is filled.
 *  The least experienced fisherman always catches the biggest fish.
 *  The more an item costs, the farther you have to send it for repairs.
 *  The one item you want is never the one on sale.
 *  The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
 *  The telephone will ring when you are outside the door, fumbling for your
 *  The tough part of a Data Processing Manager's job is that users don't
    really know what they want, but they know for certain what they don't 
 *  To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your
 *  Trust everybody ... then cut the cards.
 *  Two wrongs are only the beginning.
 *  When reviewing your notes for a test, the most important ones will be
 *  When there are sufficient funds in the checking account, checks take two
    weeks to clear.  When there are insufficient funds, checks clear 
 *  When you drop change at a vending machine, the pennies will fall nearby,
    while all other coins will roll out of sight.
 *  Work is accomplished by those employees who have not reached their level
    of incompetence.
 *  You never want the one you can afford.

Spell Checked and reformatted by Nathan Mates (

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