100 Zany Ways to Phone in a Pizza Order
(part 2 of 2)
51. Psychoanalyze the order taker.
52. Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.
53. Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."
54. Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that
these be included in the pizza.
55. Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk
and didn't mean it.
56. Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor he's
57. Report a petty theft to the order taker.
58. Use expletives like "Great Caesar's Ghost" and "Jesus Joseph and Mary
in Tinsel Town."
59. Ask for the guy who took your order last time.
60. If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be
swayed by your sweet words."
61. Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.
62. Try to talk while drinking something.
63. Start the conversation with "My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and
64. Ask if the pizza is organically grown.
65. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.
66. Be vague in your order.
67. When they repeat your order, say "Again, with a little more OOMPH this
68. If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order.
69. After ordering, say "I wonder what THIS button on the phone does."
Simulate a cutoff.
70. Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may
be my last entry."
71. State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going
72. Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a
description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your
73. Say "Kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they
74. Detect the order taker's psychic aura. Use it to your advantage.
75. When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.
76. Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular
intervals to play it.
77. Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.
78. Perfect a celebrity's voice. Stress that you won't take any crap
from some two-bit can't-hack-it pimple-faced gofer.
79. Put them on hold.
80. Teach the order taker a secret code. Use the code on all subsequent
81. Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When asked to repeat that,
say "I said 'sauce smothered with meat'."
82. Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you
say "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to respond.
83. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated
again, change it again. On the third time, say "You just don't get
it, do you?"
84. When you're given the price, say "Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I
86. Order a one-inch pizza.
87. Order term life insurance.
88. When they say "Will that be all?", snicker and say "We'll find out,
89. Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable.
90. Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.
91. While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often; act
92. Engage in some serious swapping.
93. Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If
he/she says it, say "Please don't mention that word."
94. Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the
background. Yell "OW!" when a bullet is fired.
95. If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing you.
96. Ask if the pizza has had its shots.
97. Order a steamed pizza.
98. Get taker's name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say, "This is
your (time of day) wake-up call, So-and-so." Hang up.
99. Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging.
If any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker,
100. Say, in your best pouty voice, "Last guy let me do it."