Dumb Quotes by Famous and Not-So-famous
"The private enterprise system indicates
that some people have higher incomes than others."
"It's no exaggeration to say that
the undecideds could go one way or another."
-George Bush, US President
"I have opinions of my own -- strong
opinions --but I don't always agree with them."
-George Bush, US President
"Not only is he ambidextrous, but
he can throw with either hand."
-Duffy Daugherty , football coach and sports analyst
"We've got to pause and ask ourselves:
How much clean air do we need?"
"Please provide the date of your
-from an IRS letter
"I was under medication when I made
the decision to burn the tapes."
-Richard Nixon, US President
"I was provided with additional
input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering
-Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony
"We are sorry to announce that Mr
Albert Brown has been quite unwell, owing to his recent death, and is taking
a short holiday
"Men, I want you just thinking of
one word all season. One word and one word only: Super Bowl."
-Bill Peterson, football coach
"Hawaii is a unique state. It is
a small state. It is a state that is by itself. It is a --it is different
from the other 49 states. Well, all
states are different, but it's got a particularly unique situation."
-Dan Quayle, US VP
"Be sure and put some of those neutrons
-Mike Smith, Baseball pitcher, ordering a salad at a restaurant
"We are not without accomplishment.
We have managed to distribute poverty equally."
-Nguyen Co Thatch, Vietnamese foreign minister
"The word "genius" isn't applicable
in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
-Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback and sports analyst
"Fiction writing is great. You can
make up almost anything."
-Ivana Trump, upon finishing her first novel
"I've read about foreign policy
and studied -- I know the number of continents."
-George Wallace, 1968 presidential campaign
"We don't necessarily discriminate.
We simply exclude certain types of people."
-Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor
"If we don't succeed, we run the
risk of failure."
"We are ready for an unforseen event
that may or may not occur."
"The road of good intentions is
paved with Hell."
"If you're killed, you've lost a
very important part of your life."
"A day without sunshine is like,
you know, night."
"It isn't pollution that's harming
the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing
"I love California. I practically
grew up in Phoenix."
"Traditionally, most of Australia's
imports come from overseas."
"The loss of life will be irreplaceable."
"How could this be a problem in a country where we have Intel and Microsoft?"
"What a waste it is to lose one's
mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is."
"A verbal contract isn't worth the
paper it's written on."
"It is wonderful to be here in the
great state of Chicago..."
"We're going to turn this team around
"The people in the Navy look on
motherhood as being compatible with being a woman."
-Rear Admiral James R. Hogg
"I stand by all the misstatements
that I've made."
"Your food stamps will be stopped
effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May
you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
-Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
"We apologize for the error in last
week's paper in which we stated that Mr. Arnold Dogbody was a defective
in the police
force. We meant, of course, that Mr. Dogbody is a detective in the police farce."
-Correction Notice in the Ely Standard, a British newspaper
"If somebody has a bad heart, they
can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their
heart throughout the
night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
-Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
"Antidotes are what you take to
"One of their children, Cain, once
asked, 'Am I my brother's son?'"
"Caution: Cape does not enable user
-Batman Costume warning label
Insult about Famous People (& Things)
"He is distrustful, obstinate, excessively vain, and takes no counsel from anyone."
"Can't act. Slightly bald. Can dance a little."
-Anonymous screen test
Johann Sebastian Bach:
"All Bach's last movements are like the running of a sewing machine."
The Bee Gees:
'ESP' -- "Few people know that the CIA is planning to cripple Iran by playing this album on special loudspeakers secretly
parachuted into the country."
-'Record Mirror' (1988)
Ludwig van Beethoven:
"Beethoven's last quartets were written by a deaf man and should only be listened to by a deaf man."
-Sir Thomas Beecham
"When they asked Jack Benny to do something for the Actor's Orphanage -- he shot both his parents and moved in."
George Bernard Shaw:
"A freakish homunculus germinated outside of lawful procreation."
-Henry Arthur Jones
"Shaw's works make me admire the
magnificent tolerance and broadmindedness of the english."
"Shaw writes plays for the ages,
the ages between five and twelve."
-George Jean Nathan
Jon Bon Jovi:
"Bon Jovi sounds like bad fourth-generation metal, a smudgy Xerox of Quiet Riot."
"Boy George is all England needs -- another queen who can't dress."
"Most of the time he sounds like he has a mouth full of toilet paper."
'Alice's Adventures in Wonderland' -- "We fancy that any real child might be more puzzled than enchanted by this stiff,
-'Children's Books' (1865)
"He would cut the cards if he was playing poker with his mother."
"If pople don't sit at Chaplin's feet, he goes out and stands where they are sitting."
-Herman J. Mankiewicz
"When Chaplin found a voice to say
what was on his mind, he was like a child of eight writing lyrics for Beethoven's
"If I go 'round to someone's house and there's an Eric Clapton record, I just walk out."
"The sheets of sound they let loose have the cumulative effect of mugging."
-'The London Times' (1979)
"He emits an air of overwhelming vanity combined with some unspecific nastiness, like a black widow spider in heat. But
nobody seems to notice. He could be reciting 'Fox's Book of Martyrs' in Finnish and these people would be rolling out of their
"I have never seen. . .so slippery, so disgusting a candidate."
"The prince of sleaze."
"Calvin Coolidge didn't say much, and when he did he didn't say much."
"Calvin Coolidge's perpetual expression
was of smelling something burning on the stove."
-Sherwin L. Cook
Leonardo da Vinci:
"Leonardo da Vinci did everything and did nothing very well."
"The naked truth about me is to the naked truth of Salvador Dali as an old ukelele in the attic is to a piano in a tree, and I mean
a piano with breasts."
"Señor Dali, born delirious,
Considers it folly to be serious."
"A hyena that wrote poetry in tombs."
"Another dirty shirttail actor from New York."
"Debussy played the piano with the lid down."
"I'm a John Denver freak, and I don't give a sh*t that he looks like a f***ing turkey."
"Of Dickens' style it is impossible to speak in praise. It is jerky, ungrammatical, and created by himself in defiance of rules... No
young novelist should ever dare to imitate the style of Dickens."
"A baroque art-rock bubblegum broadcast on a frequency understood only by female teenagers and bred field mice."
"Actually, I never liked Dylan's kind of music before; I always thought he sounded just like Yogi Bear."
Commenting on Eastwood's bid for mayor of Carmel -- "What makes him think a middle aged actor, who's played with a
chimp, could have a future in politics?"
"The Empire State Building after taxes."
Dwight D. Eisenhower:
"As an intellectual, he bestowed upon the games of golf and bridge all the enthusiasm and perseverence that he withheld from his
books and ideas."
-Emmet John Hughes
Ralph Waldo Emerson:
"Like most poets, preacher, and metaphysicians, he burst into conclusions at a spark of evidence."
-Henry Seidel Canby
F. Scott Fitzgerald:
"Fitzgerald never got rid of anything; the ghosts of his adolescense, the failures of his youth, the doubts of his maturity plagued
him to the end. He was supremely a part of the world he described, so much a part that he made himself its king and then, when
he saw it begin to crumble, he crumbled with it and led it to death."
"Mr. Fitzgerald -- I believe that
is how he spells his name -- seems to believe that plagiarism begins at
"Gerald Ford was unknown throughout America. Now he's unknown throughout the world."
"In the Bob Hope Golf Classic, the
participation of President Gerald Ford was more than enough to remind you
that the nuclear
button was at one stage at the disposal of a man who might have either pressed it by mistake or else pressed it deliberately in
order to obtain room service."
"A crafty and lecherous old hipocrite whose very statue seems to gloat on the wenches as they walk the States House Yard."
"If it were thought that anything I wrote was influenced by Robert Frost, I would take that particular piece of mine, shred it, and
flush it down the toilet, hoping not to clog the pipes."
Zsa Zsa Gabor:
"She has discovered the secret of perpetual middle age."
"He makes Paul Simon look like LL Cool J."
George Frederick Handel:
"A tub of pork and beer."
"Handel is only fourth rate. He
is not even interesting."
-Peter Ilich Tchaikovsky
"And another thing -- Hanson blows."
'Catch 22' -- Heller wallows in his own laughter and finally drowns in it. What remains is a debris of sour jokes, stage anger,
dirty words, synthetic looniness, and the sort of antic behavior the children fall into when they know they are losing our
"A literary style of wearing false hair on the chest."
"Always willing to lend a hand to
the one above him."
-F. Scott Fitzgerald
"A cross between Donald Duck and a Stradivarius."
'Henry the Eighth' -- "It would be cheaper, and no more unpleasant, to record yourself in the shower while holding your nose."
'Ben Hur' -- "Charlton Heston throws all his punches in the first ten minutes (three grimaces and two intonations) so that he has
nothing left long before he stumbles to the end, four hours later, and has to react to the crucifiction. (He does make it clear, I
must admit, that he disaproves of it.)"
"This wicked man, the repository and embodiment of soul destroying hatred, the monstrous product of former wrongs and
"If Hitler were to invade Hell,
I would find occasion to make a favorable reference to the devil."
"The biggest no-talent I ever worked with."
"If you put a rose in Hoover's hand it would melt."
"Hoover isn't a stuffed shirt. But
at times he can give you the most convincing impersonation of a stuffed
shirt you ever saw."
"Such a little man could not have
made so big a depression."
"The stupid person's idea of a clever person."
"He's a great singer -- but he's not the most masculine guy, is he?"
'Remember The Time' -- "Remember
the time when you used to make decent f***ing records?"
"He moves like a parody between a majorette girl and Fred Astaire."
"Jeffersonian Democracy simply meant the possession of the federal government by the agrarian masses led by an aristocracy of
-Charles A. Beard
"I couldn't stand Janis Joplin's voice. . .She was just a screaming little loudmouthed chick."
John F. Kennedy:
"Kennedy after all has lots of glamour -- Gregory Peck with an atom bomb in his holster."
-William F. Buckley, Jr.
"The enviably attractive nephew
who sings an Irish ballad for the company and then winsomely disappears
before the table
clearing and dishwashing begin."
-Lyndon B. Johnson
"His mind works in the right directions but seldom works clearly and cleanly. His bread is of unbolted flour, and much straw,
too, mixes in the bran, and sometimes gravel stones."
-Henry Ward Beecher
"MacArthur is the type of man who thinks that when he gets to heaven, God will step down from the great white throne and
bow him into His vacated seat."
"She is closer to organized prostitution than anything else."
"Martin's acting is so inept that even his impersonation of a lush seems unconvincing."
"He's a male chauvinistic piglet."
"Matisse is an unmitigated bore. Surely the vogue of those twisted and contorted human figures must be as short as it is
Before buying 'Woman with Hat' --
"It was a tremendous effort on his part, a thing brilliant and powrful,
but the nastiest smear
of paint I had ever seen.:":Leo Stein
"Brassy, brazen witch on a mortgaged broomstick, a steamroller with cleats."
"It is only too easy to catch people's attention by doing something worse than anyone else has dared to do it before."
"It's like kissing Hitler."
"She was good at being inarticulately
abstracted for the same reason that midgets are good at being short."
Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart:
"Ah, Mozart! He was happily married -- but his wife wasn't."
'The Silver Chalice' -- "He delivered his lines with the emotional fervor of a conductor announcing local stops."
-'The New Yorker'
"Avoid all needle drugs. The only dope worth shooting is Richard Nixon."
"Where is Lee Harvey Oswald now
that his country needs him?"
"He told us he was going to take
crime out of the streets. He did. He took it into the damn White House."
"Her voice sounded like an eagle being goosed."
"If I found her floating in my pool,
I'd punish my dog."
Edgar Allan Poe:
"An unmanly sort of man whose love life seems to have been largely confined to crying in laps and playing mouse."
-W. H. Auden
"Presley sounded like Jayne Mansfield looked -- blowsy and loud and low."
The Artist Formerly Known As
"Bambi with testosterone."
"An empty suit that goes to funerals and plays golf."
-H. Ross Perot
"I believe that Ronald Reagan can make this country what it once was -- an Arctic region covered with ice."
"Ronald Reagan couldn't be here
tonight, he's posing for the cover of 'Guns and Ammo.'
"He has turned almost alarmingly blond -- he's gone past platinum, he must be plutonium; his hair is coordinated with his teeth."
"Poor little man, they made him
out of lemon Jell-O and there he is. He's honest and hardworking but he's
-Adela Rogers St. John
The Rolling Stones:
"The Band is now basically a T-Shirt selling machine. Jumping Jack Flash no more -- more like Limping Hack Flash."
"You walk out of the Amphitheatre
after watching the Rolling Stones perform and suddenly the Chicago Stockyards
and good by comaprison."
"His favorite exercise is climbing tall people."
Franklin D. Roosevelt:
"If he became convinced tomorrow that coming out for cannibalism would get him the votes he surely needs, he would begin
fattening a missionary in the White House backyard come Wednesday."
-H. L. Mencken
"Never did any author precipitate himself from such heights of thought to so low expressions, as he often does. He is the very
Janus of poets; he wears, almost everywhere, two faces: and you have scarce begun to admire the one, e'er you despise the
"Spielberg isn't a filmmaker, he's a confectioner."
Statue of Liberty:
"You have set up in New York Harbor a monstrous idol which you call Liberty. The only thing that remains to complete the
monument is to put on its pedestal the inscription written by Dante on the gate of Hell: 'All hope abandon, ye who enter here."
-George Bernard Shaw
"Somebody should clip Sting around the head and tell him to stop using that ridiculous Jamaican accent."
'The Rite of Spring' -- "Where did these turkeys learn to write music, anyway?"
'Symphony for Wind -- Memory of
Debussy' -- "I had no idea Stravinsky disliked Debussy as much as this."
-'Musical Times' (1921)
"His music used to be original.
Now it's aboriginal."
-Sir Ernest Newman
Sydney Opera House:
"It looks like a typewriter full of oyster shells; like a broken Pyrex casserole dish in a brown cardboard box."
"She has an insipid double chin, her legs are too short, and she has a slight potbelly."
Peter Ilich Tchaikovsky:
'Slavic March' -- "One feels that the composer must have made a bet, for all his professional reputation was worth, that he
would write the most hideous thing that had ever been put on paper, and he won it, too."
-'Boston Evening Transcript' (1883)
'Violin Concerto' -- "It gives us,
for the first time, the hideous notion that there can be music which stinks
to the ear."
"She wasn't very good. She was fine when she was six or seven. But did you notice how she couldn't act when she was
"At worst, soporific; at best, pleasantly soporific."
-'New Musical Express'
Harry S. Truman:
"The two bit president of a five-star general."
'Huckleberry Finn' -- "If Mr. Clemens cannot think of anything better to tell our pure-minded lads and lasses, he had better
stop writing for them."
-Louisa May Alcott
"A hack writer who would have been
considered fourth rate in Europe, who tried out a few of the old proven
skeletons with sufficient local color to intrigue the superficial and the lazy."
Vincent van Gogh:
"Vincent van Gogh's mother painted all of his best things. The famous mailed decapitated ear was a figment of the public
relations firm engaged by Van Gogh's dealer."
-Roy Blount, Jr.
"I love wagner, but the music I prefer is that of a cat hung up by its tail outside a window and trying to stick to the panes of glass
with its claws."
"A composer whose music is better
than it sounds."
"That Washington was not a scholar is certain. That he is too illiterate, unlearned, unread for his station is equally beyond
"Saw Washington Monument. Phallic. Appalling. A national catastrophe."
"In conversation he is even duller than in writing, if that is possible."
"A plumber's idea of cleopatra."
-W. C. Fields
"He festooned the dung heap on which he had placed himself with sonnets as people grow honeysuckle around outdoor
"From beginning to end Wilde performed
his life and continued to do so even after fame had taken the plot out
of his own
-W. H. Auden
"A fellow with the inventiveness of Albert Einstein but with the attention span of Daffy Duck."
"The only genius with an IQ of 60."
"The most famous living artist in
America is Andy Warhol, unfortunately."
Quotes By Groucho Marx
Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.
There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of your fellow man.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
It is better to have loft and lost than to never have loft at all.
Hello, I must be going.
Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
Women should be obscene and not heard.
Time wounds all heels.
Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.
Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife.
Do you think I could buy back my introduction to you?
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend.
Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.