rev 01/03/95 A D M I N I S T R I V I A D I S C L A I M E R S This is the Canonical List of Religious Humor. Several of the jokes here are vulgar or would be considered heretical. If you can't handle it, don't read it. If you do read it, and find you can't handle it, talk with the higher layers of your church administration, as they most likely provide some of the best fodder for the jokes. Also, if you find something you don't like, don't assume that I feel the way the joke does. God gave us freedom of thought, and the Bill of Rights gives us free speech (at least here in the U.S., some of the rest of the world has to be more careful). Because of this, if someone wants a joke included in this list, it will be, so long as the subject of the joke fits the topical nature of the list. S U B M I S S I O N S This makes a nice lead in to the second subject, submission of additons to the list. Please mail additions to firstname.lastname@example.org. I will try to catch all of those that I see posted, but sometimes I go on long trips and am forced to forego rec.humor for a couple of weeks, so it would be best if you mail to me in addition to posting your joke. L I S T O R G A N I Z A T I O N The list is organized as follows: Part I GOD HEAVEN/PEARLY GATES JESUS MONKS Part II MINISTERS MISC NON-ENGLISH Part III NUNS RELIGIONS GOD [Ed. note -- these first two jokes are very similar, but I liked parts of them both. You can take what you like best out of each and tell it your own way.] Jesus, Moses and an old man were teeing off on the 16th hole on heaven's golf course. The 16th hole is a par 3 (short) over a lake. Moses, the first to tee off, steps up and swings, and the ball dives right for the water. He instantly spreads his arms, the water parts, and the ball rolls across the bottom of the lake and up on to the green. The others complement him on his shot, and then Jesus steps up for his turn. Like Moses, Jesus' ball heads straight for the water, but when it gets there, it just rolls across the surface of the lake, continuing until it gets across and rolls up onto the green. After showering him with complements, the old man steps up to take his shot. His ball also dives for the lake, but bounces off the back of a turtle and on to the far shore. There, a squirrel picks up the ball and heads for the woods. As the others begin to laugh, a hawk swoops down and picks up the squirrel. As the hawk flies over the green, it squeezes the squirrel. The ball falls out of the squirrels mouth, bounces once on the green, and then rolls into the cup. Jesus turns to the man and says, "Nice shot dad!"
One sunny day Jesus, Moses and an elderly small man were playing golf. Jesus was the first to tee off and he hit the ball a little left and it ended up in the water hazard. Because it was Jesus, his ball floated and when he got down to the hazard he walked upon the water and hit the ball onto the green. Moses was the next to tee off, and like Jesus he hit the ball into the water hazard. When he got down to the hazard, he parted the waters and hit the ball onto the green. The little old man was next, and he too hit into the water hazard. Just then a big fish swallowed the ball and bagan the swim away. A hawk swooped down and grabbed the fish in its talons and started to fly away. As the hawk passed over the green, it tightened its grip on the fish which caused the ball to pop out of the fish. The ball landed on the green and rolled into cup. Jesus then turned to the old man and said, "look Dad, if you're going to play, play fair."
A rabbi goes to heaven and meets God for the first time. A thought hits him and asks God about what souls eat when they go to hell. God just goes and tells him to look at what is being served. So the rabbi peeks down below the clouds and behold it was mealtime in hell. The souls there were being offered a seven-course meal with New York Strip, mashed pototoes, tossed salad, cranberry sauce, and a bottle of wine was being passed around. Meanwhile God informs the rabbi that it was time for his meal - all he got was a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. He asks God why the guys down there were getting the royal treatment while he had to eat - PBJ. God replied: it simply does not pay to cook for two.
In 1875 a Danish couple converted to became Mormons and moved to Cache Valley Utah. They set up a farm in Rural Providence, Utah, and were self sufficient for a couple of years. By the third year, the husband decided to take a second wife, as mormons of the time did. His wife was not too keen on the idea, so he convinced a Swedish neighbor to help in a plan to convince her. "Let us go to the barn, and pray for guidance on this major decision", said the husband. Whatever God tells us, that's what we'll do". They went to the barn, got on their knees, and old farmer Madsen started with the usual openings to Mormon prayers. After a few minutes of this, he posed the question: "heavenly father, should I take another wife?" Farmer Olson was in the rafters, as previously arranged, and in the most booming, deep voice he could muster, said "Brother Madsen, I command thee to take another wife". After a moment, farmer Madsen looked over to his wife, and saw that she was sobbing uncontrollably. He put his arm around her, and said, "There there, a second wife will be an addition to the family, but she will never be a replacement for you. I'll still love you just as much." Mrs. Madsen said "I have no problem with you taking a second wife, I've been resigned to that for a year now. But in my worst nightmare, I *never* imagined that God was a Swede!"
A lawyer dies and goes to Heaven, where he is brought before God. "A lawyer, eh?" says God (who seems to be Canadian). "We've never had a lawyer in Heaven before. Argue a point of the law for my edification." The lawyer goes into panic and says "Oh, God, I cannot think of an argument worthy of your notice. But I'll tell you what: you argue a point of the law and I'll refute you."
A friend asks God where he's going on holiday this year and God replies, "Certainly not earth again. I went there about 2 millenia ago, got some girl pregnant - they haven't stopped talking about it since!"
A hippie dies and goes to the Pearly Gates. St. Peter looks him up, and says, "I'm sorry, but you'll be going down to Hell." The hippie, astounded, peers through the gates and sees God walking in the distance. "God!" he says. "What gives? Remember that time I was tripping on acid? I saw you, and you said we'd be in Heaven together forever!" God thought for a minute, then said, "Oh yeah, but I was drunk."
There once was a priest who loved to golf. He was pretty good at it and had two nuns as an entourage who would follow him around and watch him play. One Saturday the priest was shooting a great round, when he came upon the eighth hole. He started off with a beautiful drive to down the fareway, and a nice chip to the green. When he goes to putt the ball it rolls straight for the hole, swerves, misses rolls down the hill and into the lake. The priest enraged by this flub in an otherwise perfect round takes out his sand wedge, bends it over his knee, and hurls it at a tree. He then screams at the top of his lungs: "GODDAMNIT, I missed!" The two nuns are shocked and berate him saying, "You shouldn't swear or GOD will get you." The priest, a little abashed decides to continue his round. Amazingly, he finds that his game is improving. However when he gets to the thirteenth hole he drives a wicked slice into the water hazard, takes his penalty and winds up ont he green one under par. He putts the ball, it rolls straight for the hole swerves rolls down the hill and into a gopher hole. The priest, red with anger, takes his favorite driver and bashes it on a nearby rock screaming: "GODDAMNIT, I missed!" The two nuns stare at him and say, "We're warning you, curb your swearing or GOD will get you." The priest ignoring them continues with his game and manages to turn things around so that by the time he is at the eighteenth hole he is shooting almost as good as his personal best. He drives the ball from the tee on a par four to within two feet of the cup. If he makes his next putt he will beat the clubhouse record. He lines up his putt, swings, it rolls toward the hole swerves, hits a rock bounces towards the lake where just before it hits the water, a fish leaps up out of the water swallows the ball and dives away. This makes the priest so furious that he takes his entire bag and hurls it into the lake, screaming after the fish: "GODDAMNIT, I missed!" The two nuns aghast declare, "That does it, now GOD is going to get you." Suddenly, dark clouds begin to gather, thunder booms, and lightning strikes the two nuns dead disintegrated. And a big booming voice shouts: "DAMNIT, I missed"
Q: How can you make God laugh? A: Tell Him your plans for the future. ========================================================================= HEAVEN/PEARLY GATES Three guys die and go to heaven. The first goes up to St. Peter who says, I have only one question before you go into heaven: Were you faithful to your wife? The guy answers; "Yes, I never even looked at another women." St.Peter says-"See that Rolls-Royce over there? That's your car to drive while your in heaven". The second guy gets the same question, and answers:"Once I strayed, but I confessed to my wife and she forgave me and we worked it out." St. Peter says " See that new Buick over there, that's your car to use in heaven". The third guy answers the same question: "I have to admit, I chased every bit of tail I could, and was with a lot of women." St. Peter says, ok, but you were basically a good guy, so that old VW Bug over there is yours to use while your in heaven. The three guys go off on their seperate ways. A few weeks later #2 and #3 are driving along in the Buick when they see #1's Rolls Royce parked outside of a BAR. They stop and GO INTO THE BAR and find #1 with empty bottles all around him, face down with his face in his hands on the bar. They come up to him and #2 says;"Bud, what could possibly be so bad-you're in heaven, you drive a Rolls Royce, and everything is great!" He says: "I saw my wife today!" The other 2 answer that's great! What's the problem" He answers: "She was riding a bicycle!"
A man who is an avid golfer finally gets a once in a lifetime chance for an audience with the Pope. After standing in line for hours, he gets to the Pope and says, "Holiness, I have a question that only you can answer. You see, I love golf, and I feel a real need to know if there is a golf course in heaven. Can you tell me if there is?" The Pope considers for a moment, and says, "I do not know the answer to your quesiton, my son, but I will talk to God and get back with you." The next day, the man is called for another audience with the Pope to receive the answer to his question. He stands before the Pope, who says, "My son, I have some good news and some bad news in relation to your question. The good news is that heaven has the most fabulous golf course that you could imagine and is in eternally perfect shape. It puts all courses on earth to shame. The bad news is that you have a tee time for tomorrow morning."
A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?" St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"
The Pope and a lawyer find themselves together before the Pearly Gates. After a small quantum of time which was spent discussing their respective professions, ol' St. Peter shows up to usher them to their new Heavenly station. After passing out wings, harps, halos and such, St. Pete decides to show them to their new lodgings. Only a brief flight from the welcome, Pete brings them down on the front lawn of a huge palatial estate with all sorts of lavish trappings. This, Pete announces, is where the lawyer will be spending eternity, (at least until the end of time..) "Hot Dang", the Pope says to His-self, "If he's getting a place like this, I can hardly wait to see my digs!". They take flight once again, and as Pete leads on, the landscape below begins to appear more and more mundane until they finally land on a street lined with Brownstone houses. Pete indicates the third walkup on the left as the Popes new domicile and turns to leave, wishing the pontiff all his best. The Pope, in a mild state of astonishment, cries out "Hey Pete! What's the deal here? You put that lawyer in a beautiful estate home and I, spiritual leader of terra-firma, end up with this dive?" Pete looks at the pontiff amusedly and replys: "Look here old fellow, this street is practically encrusted with spiritual leaders from many times and religions. We're putting you here with them so you guys can get your dogma together. That other guy gets an estate, because he's the first non-damned lawyer to make it up here!!"
A lawyer is standing at the gate to Heaven and St. Peter is listing his sins: 1) Defending a large corporation in a pollution suit where he knew they were guilty. 2) Defending an obviously guilty murderer because the fee was high. 3) Overcharging fees to many clients. 4) Prosecuting an innocent woman because a scapegoat was needed in a controversial case. And the list goes on for quite awhile. The lawyer objects and begins to argue his case. He admits all these things, but argues, "Wait, I've done some charity in my life also." St. Peter looks in his book and says,"Yes, I see. Once you gave a dime to a panhandler and once you gave an extra nickel to the shoeshine boy, correct?" The lawyer gets a smug look on his face and replies, "Yes." St. Peter turns to the angel next to him and says, "Give this guy 15 cents and tell him to go to hell."
A very good man dies, and as a reward for a life well-spent, goes to heaven. When he arrives, St. Peter meets him at the gate. "Welcome," says St. Peter, "since you were such a good person in life, you may enter heaven." "Thank you," said the man. "But before I come in, could you tell me what kind of other people are here?" "Well, all kinds," replied St. Peter. "Are there any convicted criminals in heaven?" asked the man. "Yes, some," said St. Peter. "Are there any communists in heaven?" asked the man. "Yes, there are," replied St. Peter. "Are there any Nazis in heaven? Asked the man. "Just a few," said St. Peter. "Well, are there any lawyers in heaven?" asked the man. St. Peter replied "What, and ruin it for everyone else?"
The temperature control in Hell went haywire and the heat started to make even the condition in Heaven uncomfortable. St. Peter got Satan on the horn and yelled, "You'd better fix that immediately or I'll sue." On hearing that, Satan chuckled, "Oh yeah, how? I have all the lawyers down here. And besides, how can I fix it when you have all the good engineers?"
A doctor dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter meets him at the pearly gates and checks him in. After he's registered, St. Peter says to him "Look at the time: you must be hungry! Heaven Cafeteria is serving lunch, why don't you get yourself something to eat?" The doctor goes to the cafeteria and notices the long line. He immediately cuts in at the front, only to hear loud protests. "I'm a doctor" he says, "I'm a busy man, I don't have time to wait in line." The others say "You're in heaven now, we're all the same here, get to the back of the line and wait your turn!" A few weeks later, waiting patiently on line for lunch, the doctor notices a man come dashing in wearing scrubs and a lab coat, stethoscope around his neck. He butts in at the head of the line and no-one utters a peep. "Hey," he says to the guy in front of him, "who does that guy think he is?" "Oh, that's God," says the guy, "He likes to play doctor."
Saint Peter was at his post at the pearly gates, and was in somewhat of a bad mood. Today only couples were on line to get in. "Next!", he called out, in a bored fashion. Up stepped a couple. "Name?" asked St.Peter. "Goldberg", replied the husband. St. Peter slowly looked up from his desk, looked them over for a moment, and finally asked with a bit of a sneer: "You Jewish?" "Why, yes" said Mr. Goldberg, somewhat surprised. St. Peter then leaned forward, pointing his finger at them, and said "You know, I don't like Jewish people. You're cheap! Always grubbing for money...cheating people...I don't know if I want to let you two in here today. So what's your wife's name?" "Penny" replied Mr. Goldberg. "PENNY!!!" exclaimed St. Peter. "Look at that, you even named your wife after money! Get outta here!... try again some other time." "Next!", he called out, still agitated. Up stepped the next couple. "Name?" asked St.Peter. "Murphy", replied the husband. Again St. Peter slowly looked up from his desk, looked them over for a moment, and asked with a sneer: "You Irish?" "Why, yes" said Mr. Murphy. St. Peter again leaned forward, pointing his finger at them, and said "You know, I don't like Irish people. You drink too much! Always getting drunk on St. Patrick's Day and throwing-up all over the streets...beating up your husbands, wives and kids during drunken rages...I don't know if I want to let you two in here today. So what's your wife's name?" "Sherri" replied Mr. Murphy. "SHERRI!!!" exclaimed St. Peter. "Look at that, you even named your wife after a drink! Get outta here!... try again some other time." Meanwhile, several couples back, a Greek man overhearing all of this turns to his wife and says "Let's get out of here Fanny, there's no way we're getting in here today."
Four nuns were standing in line at the gates of heaven. Peter asks the first if she has ever sinned. "Well, once I looked at a man's penis," she said. "Put some of this holy water on your eyes and you may enter heaven," Peter told her. Peter then asked the second nun if she had ever sinned. "Well, once I held a man's penis," she replied. "Put your hand in this holy water and you may enter heaven," he said. Just then the fourth nun pushed ahead of the third nun. Peter asked her, "Why did you push ahead in line?" She said, "Because I want to gargle before she sits in it!"
Three nuns who had recently died were on their way to heaven. At the pearly gates they were met by St. Peter. Around the gates there was a collection of lights and bells. St. Peter stopped them and told them that they would each have to answer a question before they could enter through the pearly gates. St. Peter: "What were the names of the two people in the garden of Eden?" 1st nun : "Adam and Eve" The lights flashed the bells rang and in she went through the pearly gates. St. Peter: "What did Adam eat from the forbidden tree ?" 2nd nun : "An apple" The lights flashed the bells rang and in she went through the pearly gates. And finally it came the turn of the last nun. St. Peter : "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam ?" After a few minutes thinking she says "Gosh, that's a hard one!" The lights flashed the bells rang and in she went through the pearly gates!
It seems that a devout, good couple was about to get married, but a tragic car accident ended their lives. When they got to heaven, they asked St. Peter if he could arrange for them to be married, saying that it was what they had hoped for in life, and they still desired wedded union. He thought about it and agreed, but said they would have to wait. It was almost one hundred years later when St. Peter sent for them. They were married in a simple ceremony. So things went on, for thirty years or so, but they determined, in this time, that eternity was best not spent together. They went back to St. Peter, and said, "We thought we would be happy forever, but now we believe that we have irreconcilable differences. Is there any way we can get divorced?" "Are you kidding?" said St. Peter. "It took me a hundred years to get a priest up here to marry you. I'll never get a lawyer!"
A busload of priests have an accident, all of them were killed instantly. On arriving at the pearly gates, they find there's a terrible queue. St Peter is there looking at a big book, jotting down notes, mumbling occaisionally. There is a person standing in front of his desk being processed. After some time St Peter says "Next" and another person or family steps up. For some reason race and nationality seems difficult for the priests to distinguish. The wait seems to take forever, there is an enormous number of people waiting, and St. Peter doesn't seem to be hurrying. People are arriving all the time, some in mangled states, some famished and some looking "normal" . Then a dishevelled man comes in, cigarette but hanging from his lips like it had taken root. The stubble on his chin looked as though it could sand diamonds. He stands at the back of the queue like everyone else. St Peter however spies him and stands up and comes over to him. "Oh come in... Come in... welcome... No need to queue, we have you already processed... Your residence is in order. Special treatment for you." The priests have something to say about that. "Hey" says their spokesman. "How come he gets the special treatment? We are afterall men of God." "That man..." says St Peter, "Was a taxi driver. He has scared the HELL out of more people than any of you lot."
A man dies, and finds himself in heaven. St. Peter offers to give him the tour. They walk around a little, and the man sees Samoans worshiping God in a Samoan way, and Zoroastrians worshiping in a Zoroastrian way, and Eskimos worshiping in an Eskimo way, and so on...on and on, till at one point they come to an enormous fortress made of stone, completely sealed off, with no windows or doors. Dimly, from within, they can hear the sound of wild partying. "Shhh," says St. Peter. "Be very quiet." The two tiptoe past the fortress in utter silence, and when they have left it a way behind, the man turns to St. Peter and says, "Why did we have to be so quiet back there? What's in the fortress?" St. Peter answers, "Oh, those are the Catholics. They don't know anyone else is here."
Und wo wir gerade dabei sind, einen f"ur Theologen: Karl Barth kommt in den Himmel. (F"ur Nicht-Theologen: Das ist so ein bekannter evangelischer Theologe der es mit der Dogmatik hatte...) Petrus begr"usst ihn freundlich, meint aber: "Also, wir wollen Dich hier schon reinlassen, aber vorher m"ussen wir Dich erstmal pr"ufen, ob Du das auch alles verstanden hast, was Du da unten so verzapft hast, mit der Dogmatik etc." Schickt ihn dann also in so einen Nebenraum, wo Gott, Jesus und der Heilige Geist schon warten. Die T"ur geht zu und Petrus wartet draussen. Eine Stunde vergeht, zwei Stunden, drei Stunden. Petrus wird schon langsam nerv"os. Sieben Stunden sp"ater springt dann endlich die T"ur auf, Jesus st"urzt heraus, v"ollig fertig. Petrus fragt ihn: "Na, was ist, warum hat es so lange gedauert, ist er durchgefallen?" Jesus: "Karl Barth? Nein, der nicht, aber der Heilige Geist!" [translation] And while we're on the subject, one for the theologians: Karl Bath goes to Heaven (For the non-theologians: Karl Bath is a well-known evangelical theoretician on religious dogma) St. Peter greets him in a friendly way, but says "We would like to let you in, but we have to quiz you to make sure you have a good understanding of the religious theory." So he sends Karl into the next room, where God, Jesus, and the Holy Ghost are already waiting. Peter shuts the door, and waits outside. One hour goes by, then two, and three. Peter slowly starts to get nervous. Seven hours later, the door bangs open, and Jesus storms out, completely pissed. Peter asks him, "What could it be that took so long, is he damned?" Jesus replies: "Karl Bath? No, but the Holy Ghost is!"
Der Papst, Kardinal Meissner (vom Erzbistum Koeln) und Drewermann (Kirchenkritiker und ehem. Pfarrer) kommen in den Himmel. Petrus oeffnet die Tuer: "Hallo zusammen, ich lasse Euch ja gerne rein, aber erst muesst Ihr noch bei unserem Vorstand vorstellig werden !" Die drei nicken zustimmend. Erst geht der Papst in das Zimmer. Drin sitzen Gott, Jesus und der heilige Geist. Nach einer Stunde kommt der Papst wieder raus. "Na, wie war's ?" - "Naja", meint der Papst,"ich muss nochmal runter auf die Erde, ich habe etwas verkehrt gemacht." - und verschwand. Danach geht Kardinal Meissner rein. Nach 3 Stunden kommt er wieder raus. Petrus und Drewermann fragen wiederum: "Na, wie war's ?" - "Naja", sagt Meissner, "ich muss nochmal runter auf die Erde, ich habe etwas verkehrt gemacht..." - und verschwand. Zu guter letzt geht Drewermann rein, Petrus wartet noch auf ihn. Es vergehen 2 Stunden, 3 Stunden,... Nach 6 Stunden kommt Jesus aus dem Zimmer geschossen. Petrus fragt: "Was machst Du denn hier ?" - "Naja",sagt Jesus, "ich muss nochmal runter auf die Erde..." [tranlation, rough] The Pope, Cardinal Meissner nad Drewermann are entering heaven. St. Peter tells them that they must first be questioned to make sure that they have learned enough on earth to get into heaven. The Pope goes in first, and comes out after an hour. St Peter asked him if he got into heaven, and he replies, "No, I have to go back to earth to learn a few more things." Cardinal Meissner goes for his interview and is gone for three hours. When he returns, St. Peter asks the same question. The reply is, "No, I have to go back to earth to learn a few more things." Then it's Drewermann's turn to be questioned. Time passes ... 2 hours ... 3 hours ... 4 hours. Finally, after 6 hours pass, Jesus comes out. St. Peter, curious to figure out what is going on, asks, "What's happening in there?" Jesus replies, "I have to go back to earth .... "
There was once a noble man who died at the age of sixty five and then proceeded towards heaven. At the pearly gates, he was met by St.Peter who asked him whether he wanted to go to heaven or hell. He gave him a chance to take a tour of both and decide for himself. First, he was taken to heaven where he was shown people praying and in general leading a very austere kind of existence. Then he was taken on a grand tour of hell where he saw people were drinking and having a good time, lots of good looking women and in general, a lot of merrymaking. When taken back to St.Peter, he asked to be put in hell. Suddenly, a huge servant from hell pulled him gruffly by the arm and took him to hell. But he was shocked to see that there were people being tortured everywhere and lots of boiling oil and devilish creatures. He exclaimed to the attendant - "this was not what I was shown a short while ago". To this the attendant laughed and replied - "Oh, that was our demo model!"
Three people walk up to St. Peter, hoping to enter heaven, but he has a little test for them first. He asks the first man why we celebrate Easter, and the man says, "Oh that's the day when we get really dressed up in fun costumes and go trick or treating right?" St. Peter is disgusted and he sends the man to hell. The second man comes to the gate and St. Peter asks him the same question, and this man says, "Oh this is when we eat turkey and celebrate all of the things that we are thankful for right?" Peter couldn't beleive it, he sent the second man to hell and called the third man up. He again asked the man why Easter is so important, and why we celebrate it, and this man says "Oh, that is easy. Jesus came to the earth and he was crucified, and burried in a cave.." St. Peter sighed because his faith in man was restored but then he heard the man say..."and then Jesus rose up and exited the cave......and if he sees his shadow we get another 3 months of winter right?"
A lawyer shows up at the pearly gates. St. Peter says, "Normally we don't let you people in here but you're in luck, we have a special this week. You go to hell for the length of time you were alive, then you get to come back up here for eternity." The lawyer says, "I'll take the deal." St. Peter says, "Good, I'll put you down for 212 years in hell ..." The lawyer says, "What are you talking about? I'm 65 years old!" St. Peter says, "Up here we go by billing hours." -- Orson Bean
A group of new arrivals were sitting in the reception room in heaven, waiting for their turn to see St. Peter. On the walls of the reception room were hundreds of clocks all ticking properly along. Every once in a while, however, a clock would suddenly move ahead several minutes in one jump. Curious, one fellow who was waiting turned to the receptionist and said, "Excuse me, but why do some of those clocks jump ahead now and then?" The receptionist answered, "Oh, those are the clocks that keep track of the days that people still have to live on Earth. Each person has a clock. Every time they do something sneaky or bad, they lose some of their allotted time on Earth and their clock jumps ahead a few minutes." Interested, the man asked, "Can I see my little daughter's clock?" "Sure, said the receptionist," and showed him a clock that ticked calmly and steadily along. "Now, can I see my wife's clock, please?" asked the man. "Why not?" said the receptionist and showed him a clock that for the most part ran smoothly, once in a great while jumping ahead two or three minutes at once. The man said, "You know, I was a good Democrat back there on Earth. Can I see Bill Clinton's clock?" "I'm afraid not," said the receptionist. "It's down in the accounting department. Their air conditoning broke this morning and they're using it for an electric fan."
HEAVEN IS WHERE: The police are British The mechanics are German The cooks are French The lovers are Italian And the whole thing is organized by the Swiss; HELL IS WHERE: The police are German The cooks are British The mechanics are French The lovers are Swiss And the whole thing is organized by the Italians!
This one is normally told to more than one person at a time: Describe the situation which you find yourself and the listening parties and then add the fact that some horrible disater happens and you all find yourselves dead and in hell standing before a man introducing himself as Satan himself. Satan says that he is quite busy do to the horrible disaster that has just occured and that you and your listeners will have to take care of yourselves and points out that there are just enough doors as are people and that everyone must pick a door at random and thats how they will spend eternity. At this satan exits. You, figuring what the heck, go up and choose a door and as you look inside and see many people hung by their thumbs and up to their necks in shit, flys and other insects buzzing around (at this point you may make up your own torture of eternity is you like), suddenly you here a loud, deep voice say *insert your name* you are doomed to spend eternity hung up to your neck in shit by your thumbs. Continue this general form for the others listening except for one specially chosen person. When you get to the last person he opens the door and sees Heather Locklear (or any other superbabe or dude) lying on a giant king size bed wearing a tiny little silk teddy, when suddenly the loud, deep voice booms out HEATHER LOCKLEAR you are doomed to spend eternity..........
John Smith [or your favourite politician] dies and goes to heaven. At the pearly gates he is net by St. Peter and led in. St. Peter speaks: "Well John, you committed a few weeny sins while you were alive, didn't you? Lying is something we're a bit hot on at the moment, and, as a politician..." "Say no more" says John Smith, "you've got me there." "Right then, since you did so much good generally for your country, we're prepared to let you in, but you'll have to do penance for two years. You will have to spend that time with this woman." At this, the most hideously deformed, smelly, gossipping woman appears. Smith appears to blanch slightly, but says: "Fair enough, I guess it's worth it for eternity in paradise." "Good man, this way now." St. Peter leads them through a door into a vast chamber, filled with white robed couples, chatting and laughing with each other. Sweet music and the aroma of rose blossom fills the air, and angels and cherubs flutter about. Suddenly, Smith notices his old rival, John Major [or your least favourite politician], whose death had preceeded his by a matter of weeks. Amazingly, he is arm in arm with Cindy Crawford [or your favourite woman]. "What the hell is this" storms Smith. Major was the worst thing to happen to my country for 200 years. He destroyed everything I stood for, and was totally dishonest in doing it. How come I get 2 years with this hag, while he gets to cavort with Cindy?" "Steady on" says St. Peter, "let me explain. That's not Major doing his penance, it's Cindy doing hers!"
The British Intelligence Chief (James Bond's boss M) sends James Bond on a secret mission to heaven. When M didn't hear from Bond for over a day, he got worried and called up heaven. Virgin Mary picks up the phone and says "Virgin Mary speaking". M asks her if Bond has reached there yet and she says no. M waits another few hours and calls Heaven back again. "Virgin Mary speaking" comes the response. "Is James there yet?" asks M and the response is no again. M is really worried by this time but he waits for a few more hours and then calls Heaven back again. "Mary here" comes the response.
Do you suppose Heaven is on the net? The White House is, so why not? Suggested addresses: email@example.com_gov st_peter@pearly_gates.heaven.supreme_gov firstname.lastname@example.org_gov And what about Hell? satan@fire_pit.hell.supreme_gov [further suggestions from the net?]
A rabbi was visiting his old friend, a priest. The rabbi had never seen the practices in the church so he asks his friend if he could attend one of his sermons. The father says OK. After the sermon the confessions begin. The rabbi asks if he could sit behind and listen to the confessions. The priest agrees. A young man steps in the confessional and says " Father, Father I have sinned". "What did you do my son" the priest asks. "I slept with three women during the past week." "Are you married?" "No" "You have committed a great sin but I can help you. Pray the lord, sing gospels and hail Mary and donate $100 to the church." After a few minutes another man enters the confessional and says the same things. The priest asks him to the do the same things and tells him to donate $100 to the church. At this point the priest gets a phone call and has to leave. Before leaving he asks the rabbi tif he could take over the duties for a few minutes and rabbi says "Don't worry. It's a piece of cake." A few minutes later a young woman enters the confessional. "Father, Father I have sinned." "What did you do my child?" asks the rabbi. "I slept with a married man." "How many men did you sleep with?" asks the rabbi "Just one" "Are you sure you did not sleep with three men?" "Yes , I am sure" The rabbi thinks for a minute and says; "You have definitely committed a sin but I will help you. Pray the Lord, Sing gospels and Hail Marys and donate $100 to the church and now the church owes you two fucks."
Chaucer and Shakespeare died. St. Peter told them there was only one spot remaining in heaven. The one to compose the best 4-liner ending in "Timbuktu" got into heaven. They came back a day later and Shakespeare recited: Two caravans in the desert heat, Their paths crossed and they did meet, Side by side, two by two, They headed off to Timbuktu. Chaucer grinned and recited: We were in the desert, my friend Tim and I, A maidens' harem we did spy, But they were three and we were two, So I bucked one and Tim bucked two! Guess who got into Heaven?
A Catholic, a Jew, and an Episcopalian were lined up at the pearly gates. The Catholic asks to get in and St. Peter says, "Nope, sorry." "Why not?" says the Catholic, "I've been good." "Well, you ate meat on a Friday in Lent, so I can't let you in." The Jew walks up and again St. Peter says no. The Jew wants an explanation so St. Peter replies, "There was that time you ate pork...sorry, you have to go to the other place." Then the Episcopalian goes up and asks to be let in and St. Peter again says no. "Why not?" asks the Episcopalian, "What did I do wrong?" "Well," says St. Peter, "you once ate your entree with the salad fork." :: This guy dies and gets sent down to Hell. When he arrives, Satan (aka Reagan/Bush/Clinton for the benfit of some of our Islamic Fundamentalist friends)meets him in the reception room and says to him "OK, now you've got to choose the room in which you will spend the rest of eternity" and he points towards three doors on the other side of the room. The guy goes through the first door. Beyond was a vast room with a concrete floor. The room was full of people standing on their heads. "That floor looks a bit hard" said the guy "I think I'll try next door" So he tries the next door, and finds himself if another vast room, this time with a wooden floor. Again the room is full of people standing on their heads. "I Don't like the look of this" he said, "I'd get splinters of wood in my head" So he tries the third and final door. This time, the room is full of people sitting on chairs knee-deep in shit, eating biscuits and drinking cups of tea. "Hmm" he said to himself "I suppose that spending eternity sitting on a chair with my legs dangling in shit isn't such a bad thing, at least I'll have something to eat and drink" So he went back to where Satan was waiting for him and told him about the decision he had made. "Very well," said Satan "you shall spend eternity in the third room" and he escorts the guy back to the door. As he opens the door he hears a voice shouting "OK everybody, tea-break's over...back on your heads!!" ========================================================================= JESUS Q&A Q: If Jesus had an ad agency pushing his product, what would his slogan be? A: "This Blood's for you!" Q: Have you found Jesus? A: No, I didn't even know he was missing! Q: Have you spoken with the Lord today? A: No, but give me a buck and I'll drop him a postcard. Q: Why were most of Jesus' apostles fishemen and NOT cabinet makers? A: If they were cabinet makers, Jesus would have had to say, "Drop your drawers and follow me!" :: Q: What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus? A: It only takes one nail to hang up the picture. Q: Why can't Jesus eat M&M's? A: because they keep falling through the holes in his hands!
Some thoughts on Jesus and Elvis: --------------------------------- Jesus said: "Love thy neighbor." (Matthew 22:39) Elvis said: "Don't be cruel." (RCA, 1956) Jesus is the Lords's shepherd. Elvis dated Cybill Shepherd. Jesus was part of the Trinity. Elvis' first band was a trio. Jesus walked on water. (Matthew 14:25) Elvis surfed. (Blue Hawaii, Paramount, 1965) Jesus' entourage, the Apostles, had 12 members. Elvis' entourage, the Memphis Mafia, had 12 members. Jesus was resurrected. Elvis had the famous 1968 "comeback" TV special. Jesus said, "If any man thirst, let him come unto me, and drink." (John 7:37) Elvis said, "Drinks on me!" (Jailhouse Rock, MGM, 1957) Jesus fasted for 40 days and nights. Elvis had irregular eating habits. (e.g. 5 banana splits for breakfast) Jesus is a Capricorn. (December 25) Elvis is a Capricorn. (January 8) Matthew was one of Jesus' many biographers. (The Gospel According to Matthew) Neil Matthews was one of Elvis' many biographers. (Elvis: A Golden Tribute) "[Jesus'] clothes became a dazzling white" (Mark 9:3 NIV) Elvis' snow-white jumpsuits dazzled audiences. Jesus lived in state of grace in a Near Eastern land. Elvis lived in Graceland in a nearly eastern state. Mary, an important woman in Jesus' life, had an Immaculate Conception. Priscilla, an important woman in Elvis' life, went to Immaculate Conception High School. Jesus was first and foremost the Son of God. Elvis first recorded with Sun Studios, which today are still considered to be his foremost recordings. Jesus was the lamb of God. Elvis had mutton chop sideburns. Jesus' Father is everywhere. Elvis' father was a drifter, and moved around quite a bit. Jesus was a carpenter. Elvis' favorite high school class was wood shop. Jesus wore a crown of thorns. Elvis wore Royal Crown hair styler. Jesus H. Christ has 12 letters. Elvis Presley has 12 letters. No one knows what the "H" in "Jesus H. Christ" stood for. No one was really sure if Elvis' middle name was "Aron" or "Aaron". Jesus said: "Man shall not live by bread alone." Elvis liked his sandwiches with peanut butter and bananas.
Did you hear about the blond who thought Jesus was a giant teddy bear called Gladly who had something wrong with his eyes because everytime she went to church they would sing "Gladly the cross I'd bear"!!!
Jesus was on his travels, when he came up to a lonely little town, miles from anywhere. As one does when one is the Son of God, he went in in an attempt to spread the Good News. Understandably, he was shocked when the first thing he saw was a huge crowd of people gathering rocks; in the early ADs, this only meant one thing. He followed the crowd until they arrived at the village's place of punishment, at which point a woman was hurled into the centre and bombarded for a few seconds. Naturally, Jesus leapt in and stopped proceedings. "Tell me, what has this woman done to deserve death?" "She is an harlot, rabbi." "Hmpf." And then, in a voice like thunder, "Who among you claims to be Jehovah? Which of you has the right to judge her? Let the person who is without blame in this regard be the person that can judge her." And there was complete silence. Until, from the midst of the crowd, a single stone arced gracefully over every head, and caught the harlot straight between the eyes. And Jesus said, "Mother, you can be a real pain sometimes...."
Bumper sticker: Jesus is coming! (And boy is he *pissed*!)
Become a Catholic, be led by sexual perverts, engage in ritual canibalism, and pretend that the Trinity is really one god so you can claim to be monotheistic (at least when talking to the comatose...).
Jesus Saves Basic theme is "Jesus walks on water -- he's the lifeguard at the pool!" gets repeated three times, then the chorus is "Jesus saves, jesus saves, Jesus saves." Just like when you were at summer camp. Let's see: Jesus puts his money in the Chase Manhatten Bank Jesus trades in green stamps for a new Mercedes Benz Jesus buys his groceries on double coupon days Jesus buys reduced meats at the local discount store
Heard some two thousand years ago at a river in the middle east: "I don't care who your father is! You're not going to walk where I'm fishing!"
All this talk has reminded me that only 12 months ago Jesus returned and ended up by the side of the River Severn in Worcestershire, and confronted an old boy who was sat fishing. "I am Jesus - I have come to save to all from the horrors that be" exclaimed the great one. "Sod off, you're scaring the fish" answered the old one. "NO, you don't understand - I have returned to save the earth, now tell me, where should I start ?" The old boy thinks for a while and tells him to perform a miracle, then he would believe that this is truly The Lord. "Walk across the river" he tells Jesus. So Jesus starts walking across the river, and the water is lapping round his ankles - then around his shins, then his knees. This starts worrying him, but continues knowing that he can do it. Next thing he knows, he slips and disappears under the water, and nearly drowns. He manages to claw his way back to the shore, and the old man says to him "There you are, see, you're not Jesus, you can't walk across water" Jesus responds, " Well, I used to be able to do it until I got these darned nail holes in my feet!"
Jesus is going through the countryside, very tired from the whole resurrection thing (crucifiction can be soooooo tiring!). He comes to an inn and puts three nails on the counter and says to the innkeeper: "Can you put me up for the night?"
Jesus and Moses were playing golf. On a long hole with a water trap Jesus pulls out a five iron. Moses tells him the iron is too short for the hole, but Jesus insists saying, "I've seen Arnold Palmer do this a milion times." When Jesus drives the ball into the water trap he asks Moses to split the water so he can get the ball, but Moses refuses. As Jesus is walking on the water looking for the ball a foursome comes up and asks Moses "Who does he think he is, Jesus Christ?" To which Moses replies, "No, he thinks he's Arnold Palmer."
I was reading the New York Times and there was an article saying there is now proof that Jesus was Irish. The researcher, Melanie Leahy, PHD Case Western, said the proof was "indelible and unreproachable" She said the facts are : 1. He lived with his parents until he was 29. 2. He went out drinking with the lads the night before he died. 3. He thought his mother was a virgin, and she, the good woman, god bless her, thought he was god. :: Jesus recently walked into a bar somewhere in the Western World. He approached three sad-faced gentlemen at a table, and greeted the first one: "What's troubling you, brother?" he said. "My eyes. I keep getting stronger and stronger glasses, and I still can't see." Jesus touched the man, who ran outside to tell the world about his now 20-20 vision. The next gentleman couldn't hear Jesus' questions, so The Lord just touched his ears, restoring his hearing to perfection. This man, too, ran out the door, probably on his way to the audiologist to get a hearing-aid refund. The third man leapt from his chair and backed up against the wall, even before Jesus could greet him. "Don't you come near me, man! Don't touch me!" he screamed. "I'm on disability!" :: A small factory in the northwest, Anderson Nails, had been experiencing years of success and growth. Feeling that he was ready to try for the big time, the owner (Anderson, of course) contracted a big Madison Avenue agency to help him promote his product. Aiming to get the greatest possible exposure, the agency booked a full minute at the beginning of the Super Bowl halftime show. Anderson was pretty excited about this, and invited all of his friends and relatives to his home for a big Super Bowl party. At the end of the first half, everybody drew closer to the TV, wanting to see the premiere of the commercial. It began with an arial shot of the desert, and zoomed in on a small walled city. As the camera slowly panned about the city, it became apparent that this was Jerusalem, during the Roman occupation. A large hill on the horizon came into view, and as the camera drew closer, a number of crosses became visible. The focus settled on a naked man in a crown of thorns, then moved in for an extreme closeup of his bleeding hands, and the nails which held them to the cross. The nails were stamped with the Anderson Nails logo. A subtitle appeared on the screen, bearing the words "Anderson Nails--the Expert's Choice". Anderson's guests were horrified. The party broke up before the end of the game. The next day, he began to get phone calls from his oldest and most loyal customers, expressing their outrage and cancelling their orders. By the end of the week, his sales were down to nothing. He called the president of the advertising agency to cancel his contract. When Anderson explained the situation, the ad-man was surprised, and offered to run a new campaign at no charge. The new campaign was slated to start in a few weeks time (not too long before Easter, as it turned out). This time, Anderson nervously watched the commercial alone in the privacy of his office. It began the same way as before, with an arial view of Jerusalem. The camera finally settled on two Roman soldiers drinking wine at a table near the marketplace. Hearing a disturbance nearby, they look up from their drinks in time to see a naked man, with bleeding hands and feet, being pursued by a group of soldiers. The first soldier looks at his companion, smiles knowingly, and says "they didn't use Anderson nails!" :: After two thousand or so years, Jesus returns to Earth and finds it much changed. All confused, he goes off to Jerusalem to seek out the chief rabbi not being aware that there's this Christianity thing that kind of gathered some steam since he was last here). He goes to the chief rabbi and shouts "What am I going to do rabbi ?" "Excuse me" says the rabbi, "but do I know you ?" "Of course, it's me, J.C. " he says, getting a little panicked. "I'm sorry, I just don't recognise you.... wait, you are vaguely familiar" "Yes, yes..." says J.C., getting excited. "Could you just raise your arms, kind of perpendicular to your body... and lean against that bookcase" "Sure" says Jesus "then you'll remember" No sooner does Jesus assume the position, but the rabbi grabs a hammer and nails from his desk drawer and starts to hammer vigorously "You won't get away this time!!". ========================================================================= MONKS A man in the middle ages became fed up with humanity and decided to spend the rest of his life in a monastery. The abbot warned him that he would have to take a vow of silence and live the rest of his life as a scribe, to which the man replied, "No Problem. I'm sick of talking." Ten years went by, and the abbot called for the man. He told him that he was a model monk and perfect scribe, and that they were very happy to have him. As per their tradition, he was allowed to say two words. Asked if he had anything to say, the man nodded and said: "Food cold." The abbot sent him on his way. Ten years later, he was brought before the abbot again and once again told how pleased they were with his performance, and that he was again allowed two more words if he so chose. The man said: "Bed hard," and was sent back to work. Another ten years went by and again the abbot sent for the man, telling him that he was the best monk they had ever had, and that he was allowed another two words. The man nodded and said: "I quit." To this, the abbot replied in a disgusted tone: "Doesn't surprise me. You've done nothing but complain since you got here."
Two men visiting a monastery see a monk frying some fish and chips. One says to the other: 'is that the fish friar?'. The other says, 'no, it's the chipmonk'.
Did you hear about the giant rat that swallowed the monk? They tried to free him, but all they could do was pull the habit out of the rat. MINISTERS A mature woman was in the pastoral study receiving counseling for her upcoming fourth wedding. "Father, how am I going to tell my husband that I am still a virgin?" "My child, you have been a married woman for many years. Surely that cannot be." "Well, father, my first husband was a psychologist, and all he wanted to do was talk, and the next one was in construction and he always said he'd get to it tomorrow. The last one was a gyneocologist and all he did was look. But his time, father, I'm marying a lawyer and I'm sure I'm going to get screwed."
The new priest, at his first sermon, was so afraid he could hardly speak. Before his second week at the pulpit, he asked the Monsignor how he could relax. The Monsignor said "Next week, it might help if you put some vodka in the water pitcher. After a few sips, everything should go smoothly." The next week the young priest put his elder's suggestion into practice, and really talked up a storm. After the sermon, he asked the Monsignor how he had done. The Monsignor replied, "Fine, but there are a few things you should learn before you address the congregation again." First-- Next time, sip the vodka rather than gulping it down. Second-- There are 10 Commandments and 12 Disciples, not 12 Commandments and 10 Disciples. Third-- David Slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him. Fourth-- We do not refer to Our Savior, Jesus Christ, and his Desciples as the late J.C. and the boys, nor do we refer to the cross as the "Big T." Fifth-- The Father, Son & Holy Ghost are not Big Daddy, Junior, and the Spook. Sixth-- It's the Virgin Mary, not Mary with the cherry. Seventh-- Next Sunday's event is a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's.
A woman is nearly caught with her lover when her husband comes home early. To hide her lover, she puts him in the closet. While in the closet, the lover soon learns that he is not alone. The breathing he hears belongs to, he discovers, the woman's young son. "Gee, it's dark in here, sir," said the boy. "Geez, kid, please shut up," replied the nervous man. "Well, mister, I think I'm gonna scream." "Please, kid, don't scream." "Can I have some money?" asked the boy. "Well, here, here's five dollars, it's all I've got." The boy, sensing that the man was lying, pressed on. "I really feel like screaming." "No, kid, look, here's fifty dollars, just don't scream." "Well, I don't know" "Here's the last of my money, just don't scream." The boy, satisfied, agreed to be quiet. Later, he went with his mother to a store where a brand new bike was on sale. When he tried to buy it with his new-found cash, his mother became suspicious of the source of this money. So, being a "good" Christian, she took him in to see the local pastor in confession. "Gee," said the boy, not used to being in the confessional, "it sure is dark in here." "Don't start that with me again," said the priest.
A priest and a rabbi found themselves seated together on a long trans Atlantic flight. They started talking and became quite friendly. The priest slyly said to the rabbi, "Tell me the truth Rabbi. Have you ever tried a ham sandwich? The rabbi confessed that he had once tried a ham sandwich. Then he asked the priest, "You guys are supposed to be celebate. Have you ever had sex with a woman?" The priest confessed that he had. "Beats the hell out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?" asked the rabbi.
Said the Episcopalian priest to the Presbyterian minister: "After all, we are both doing the Lord's work -- you in your way, and I in His."
Farmer Brown is working hard in his garden. It's a fabulous garden. It has been meticulously weeded, watered, and fertilized. The plants are all flourishing and beautiful. Along comes the parson, he says, "Glory be there, Farmer Brown. Ain't it a mirucuhl what the Lord can do in a garden?" Farmer Brown sez, "Reckon so, Pastor, but ya shoulda' seed it when he had it all to hisself."
A Polak saw a priest walking down the street. Noticing his collar, he stopped him and said, "Excuse me, but why are you wearing your shirt backwards?" The priest laughed, "Because, my son, I am a Father!" The Polak scratched his head. "But I am a father too, and I don't wear my shirt backwards!" Again the priest laughed. "But I am a Father of thousands!" To which the Polak replied, "Well then you should wear your shorts backwards!"
The pope went to a steak restaurant where the waiters called orders for rare steak into the kitchen by yelling, "One bloody steak!" The pope, trying hard to fit in, offers, "...And an order of fucking fries!"
A lady was having a conversation with a (catholic) priest : L: I have a female parrot, very beautiful, but it constantly says very obscene things. P: Oh, but I have a parrot too, a male, which prays all the time. Let's put them together. So they brought the female parrot to the priest house. As soon as the male parrot sees the female, it screams : "Thank you my God, my prayers have been answered !"
Two brothers went to confession, the younger one went in first. The priest always liket to ask questions to the children before their confession so the priest asked the little boy, "Do you know where God is?" The little boy ran out and told his brother, "Let's get the hell out of here, the priest lost God and wants to blame it on me!"
A priest and a businessman were playing golf. After playing for a while, the businessman's game takes a turn for the worse. "Damn! I missed!" he swears as his ball lands in a sand bunker. The priest is understandably shocked and admonishes the businessman: "Do not swear, my son, or God will punish you." The next time the businessman fails, however, he exclaims again: "Damn! I missed!" The priest grows angry and scolds him severely: "My son, you place yourself in great jeopardy by your words!" But alas, as the businessman's ball again fails to roll where he wants it to, he yells loudly: "*Damn*, I missed!" Suddenly a lightning bolt strikes from the clear sky and reduces the priest to a pile of smoldering ash. A booming voice from heaven then shouts: "D A M N ! I M I S S E D !"
A priest was praying for guidance: "Oh God, grant me this knowledge: what is the meaning of life?" For a while, Creation was silent. Then a booming voice, sounding severely pissed-off, shouts from heaven: "R E A D T H E F * C K I N G F A Q !"
The Pope was in the middle of an audience when his principal advisor whispered in his ear, "Your holiness, I hate to interrupt, but the Messiah is on the phone and he wants to talk to you." The Pope excused himself so he could take the call in private. A few minutes later he came back out with a somber expression. He said, "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that the call WAS from the messiah, and the time of the second coming IS at hand. The bad news is that he was calling from Salt Lake City." [Red Skelton]
The Pope and Ted Kennedy die at the same time and meet on the way to their prospective destinations. After a brief discussion they proceed on, but due to some unforeseen confusion, Ted winds up in Heaven and the Pope goes to Hell! After a few hours, the error is caught and they again meet on the way to their final resting places. The Pope say, "Boy, I was worried for awhile. I always wanted to meet the Virgin Mary." Says Ted, "I think you're too late."
from Dave Allen (Irish Comedian) So the priest is talking to the minister, and he's complaining that someone's stolen his bicycle. The minister replies, "Well, I've had things go missing too. What I always do is to give a sermon on the Ten Commandments, and really lay into `thou shalt not steal'. Usually, the item just turns up by Tuesday." The priest agrees, and they go their separate ways. The next week, the minster meets the priest again, and asks whether he got the bike back. "Oh, yes! I did just what you said, and when I got to the bit about coveting thy neighbor's wife, I remembered just where I'd left it!"
Seems this Catholic priest was feeling despondent over being posted to a dry, desert parish. He wrote letters to his bishop constantly, requesting that he be posted somewhere more hospitable. No reply to his letters ever came, and soon the letters stopped. Some time later, when the archbishop was making the rounds of the rural churches, he stopped in to see how the unhappy priest was doing. He found a pleasant man, in an air-conditioned church. There were no parishoners, since the closest neighbors were many miles away. The archbishop admitted to some confusion, since the priest did not look like the desperate writer of so many letters. He asked the priest how he liked it out in the desert. "At first I was unhappy. But thanks to two things I have grown to love it out here in the sparse desert." "And they are?" the archibishop inquired. "The first is my Rosary. Without my Rosary I wouldn't make it a day out here." "And the second?" At this the priest looked askance. "Well, to be honest, I have developed a taste for martinis in the afternoon. They help to alleviate the heat during the worst part of the day." He looked sheepish at this admission, but the archbishop just smiled. "Martinis, eh? Well, that's not so bad. In fact, I'd be glad to share one with you right now, if you don't mind that is." "Not at all!" the priest exulted. "Let me get one for you right away." Turning to the back of the church, the priest shouted, "Oh, Rosary..."
Top 6 Complaints of Priests 6. Priestly robes are so tight, they make your underwear ride up 5. People who use the collection basket as a change machine 4. Walking into the church at 4 in the morning to find some hooker using it for a different kind of service 3. Having to help lift a really fat woman after she genuflects 2. Everytime the choir hits a high note, it shatters some of the stained-glass windows 1. Everyone seems to be looking at them
En un seminario el Padre Superior esta a punto de ordenar sacerdotes a Pepe, Pepo y Pipo, pero tiene sus dudas acerca de la vocacion de estos sujetos, asi que compra un Playboy y les dice que se aten una campanita en ese sitio que estas pensando. Llama a Pepe, y le ensegna la portada; inmediatamente se oye tilin, tilin. "Que salvajada, que escandalo, vaya ahora mismo a tomar una ducha fria, a ver si arreglamos esto". Llama a Pepo y le ensegna la portada, pero no pasa nada, asi que le ensegna el poster central; entonces se oye tilin, tilin y le dice "Venga, dese una duchita fria" Entonces llama a Pipo. Le ensegna la portada, el poster, y toda la revista, pero no pasa nada. "Muy bien, Pipo, estoy sinceramente orgulloso de ti. Te voy a ordenar sacerdote ahora mismo, pero antes date una ducha con Pepe y Pepo" Tilin, tilin, tilin, tilin, tilin, tilin, tilin, tilin, tilin. The abbot of a monastary was about to ordain three new priests, Pepe, Pepo, and Pipo, but he had some doubts about their virtue. So he bought a Playboy and had them each tie on a little bell beneath their robes. He called in Pepe, and showed him the Playboy. Immediately he heard "ring, ring." Good Lord," said the abbot, "This is terrible. I am ashamed of you. I can still ordain you, but first we'll give you a cold enema to see if we can fix this." Next he called in Pepe, and showed him the Playboy. Nothing happened, so then he unfolded the centerfold, and heard "ring ring." "A little better," said the abbot, but it's still a cold enema for you. Last he called in Pipo. He showed his the cover, then the centerfold, and the entire magazine, and didn't hear a thing. "Excellent," said the abbot, "I'm genuinely proud of you. You will be ordained immediately. Your first job will be to give Pepe and Pepo over there a couple of cold enemas." Ring, ring, ring, ring....
There were three priests who were on their way to Pittsburg for a convention. When they arrived at the train station, all three were taken aback by the scantily clad, BUXOM woman behind the counter. After a brief moment of discussion about their shock, the self styled leader approached the counter and said, "I want three pickets to tittsburg." To help cover the embarassment of his comrade, the second priest stepped in to save the day. He handled himself pretty well, until he said he wanted his 35 cents change as a quarter and two nipples. As they were leaving, the third priest decided that he should do the christian thing and advise the young woman that her apparel was in appropriate. He said, "Young lady, you really need to do something about your appearance. If you don't, when you get to the gates of heaven, St. Finger will shake his peter at you!"
Two Irishmen were digging a ditch accross from a brothel, and one noticed a Rabbi walk into the place. One said to the other, "It's a sad day when men of the cloth walk into a place like that." After a little while, the other man saw a minister walk into the brothel. He stood up and said to his partner, "Did ya see that? It's no wonder the children today are so confused with the example that the clery are settin' for them." After about another hour, the first man saw a Catholic preist walk in. He promptly stood up and proclaimed to his partner. "Aw that is truely sad. One of the poor lassies must be dyin'."
A young Protestant couple wants to become Catholic. "How long have you been Protestant?" asks the priest. "All our lives." The priest thinks a while, then replies: "We usually have those who wish to join the faith perform some sort of penance to prove their sincerity. Your penance is simple. You and your wife must not make love for 30 days." 30 days later, the husband returns. "How did it go?" asks the priest. "Well, for the first 29 days, it was fine. We didn't even look at each other. And then, on the 30th day ... I saw her standing over the freezer ... and I just had to. I'm sorry, Father." The priest frowns. "Well, I'm afraid that this means I won't be able to let you into the arms of the Church." "That's OK," says the husband. "They won't let me in the supermarket any more either."
THE PREACHER'S ASS A preacher wanted to raise money for his church, and being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to buy one and enter him in the races. However, at the local auction, the going price of a horse was so high that he bought a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races, and to his surprise the donkey came in third. The next day, the racing sheets carried this headline: "PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS" The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the races again, and this time it won! The paper read: "PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT" The bishop was so upset with this publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter his donkey in another race. The headlines read: "BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS" This was too much for the bishop and he ordered the preacher to get rid of the animal. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in the nearby convent. The headlines read: "NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN" The bishop fainted! He informed the nun that she would have to dispose of the donkey. She finally found a farmer willing to buy him for $10. The paper read: "NUN PEDDLES ASS FOR TEN BUCKS" They buried the bishop the next day. The headline?: "NUN'S ASS KILLS BISHOP" -Anonymous
An American businessman sent one of his public relations officers to Rome to try and get the Pope to record "Give us each our daily coke." The P.R. man came back empty handed. He had offered the Pope $500,000 dollars and had been turned down. His boss commented, "Turned down half a million bucks! I wonder how much the bakeries are paying him?"
"A Swedish bishop was getting ready to visit USA. Some of his close associates advised him to be careful when responding to reporters on his arrival in New York. The bishop however was overconfident and paid little heed to the advice. On arrival at JFK airport, during a press conference one reporter asked the bishop if he was planning on visiting any night clubs in New York? The bishop replied "Are there any night clubs in New York?" suggesting that he was ignorant of anything like night clubs in New York. To his surprise, the next mornings papers had the follwing banner headlines, 'Bishop asks,"Are there any night clubs in New York?"
The pastor of a small congregation was trying to find a contractor to paint his church. Because the church fund was low and he couldn't pay very much, he selected the lowest bidder. The contractor decided to make the job pay better by skimping on materials. He thinned the paint with solvent and then only applied one coat. Within months, the poor paint job began to flake away and the church looked worse than before the work was done. The pastor sent a note to the contractor that said, "Repaint! Repaint! Thin no more!"
A pastor went out visiting one afternoon. At one house he knocked on the door several times, but no one answered. He could see though the window that the television was on, so he took one of his cards, wrote "Revelations 3:20" on it and put it under the door. ("Behold, I stand at the door and knock; if anyone will open, I will come in.") The following Sunday, a woman handed him a card with her name and the following message: "Genesis 3:10". ("I heard thy voice and I was naked, so I hid myself.")
One sunny Sunday in Spring, Father Fitzpatrick noticed that there was a smaller gethering than usual for the noon service. So as soon as the final hymm was sung, he slipped out the back way and went along the streeet to see who was out and about instead of coming to church. The first person he saw was old Mrs. O'Neil, sitting on a park bench with her cane beside her. The good cleric sat down next to her and said, "Good afternoon, Mrs. O'Neil, why weren't you in church today?" Mrs. O'Neil replied, "Well, Father, it was just such a lovely day today I didn't want to be cooped up in that stuffy ol' church!" The priest was a bit taken aback by this blunt answer, so he thought for a minute, then asked, "But Mrs. O'Neil, don't you want to go to heaven?" To his surprise, the elderly lady shook her head vehemently and said, "No siree!" At that, the priest got to his feet indignantly and said firmly, "Then I am ashamed for you!" Now it was Mrs. O'Neil's turn to be surprised. She looked up at him and said, "Oh, Father, I thought you were gettin' together a group to leave right now!"
The Pope was scheduled to visit a city and when his plane landed at the airport he stepped onto the tarmac to hear cries of "ELVIS ELVIS". The Pope looked around to see who they were shouting at and said, "I'm the Pope, not Elvis. Anyway, off he went in his Popemobile, through the City to hear people shouting, "ELVIS ELVIS". He said, I'm the Pope, not Elvis, can't you see, I'm wearing the hat, the robe and the cross, I'm the Pope. Anyway, he eventually got to his Hotel and as he walks into the Lobby the Hotel Manager says, "WHOA KING". The Pope says for the last time, I'm the Pope not Elvis. Looking very annoyed, the Pope goes up to his Hotel Room and as he enters, sitting on his bed is a gorgeous Red Head looking very seductive. She sighs to him, "OH ELVIS" The Pope gets down on one knee and sings, "Wella blessa my soul, what'sa wrong with me".
A Vicar is in the vestry with the Verger. The Vicar says to the Verger "For my sermon today I think I'll take the subject of 'The Widow's Might'", the Verger turned to the Vicar and replies "Oh I wouldn't bother, there are only two in the village and they both do." Frankie Howerd
A priest is out for an afternoon strool and turns the corner and finds a little boy with a hammer smashing the tar out of a bunch of ants. The kid is saying to himself "I hate these fucking ants...I hate these fucking ants." The priest is taken back by the little boy's language and talks to him and says basically God doesn't make junk. Tomorrow I will be coming by again and if you can tell me three things that God created that are worthless than I will let you continue killing the ants. The next afternoon the priest is out again for his walk and comes upon the little boy smashing ants. The priest reminds him of the agreement that they made saying the boy agreed not to kill any more ants unless he could name three things that God created that are worthless. The boy looks up with a devilish smile and says "I know three things" The first is a prick on a priest, the second is tits on a nun and the third are these fucking ants.
TOP TEN PAPAL OBJECTIONS TO THE CAIRO POPULATION CONFERENCE 10. Frequent flyer miles will not take him to Egypt, only to Bosnia. 9. Confuses the Cairo conference and the environmental conference and thinks the U.S. wants a cap on sperm emissions. 8. Kurt Waldhiem wasn't invited. 7. Thinks reduction of famine and disease will put Mother Teresa out of work. 6. Can't get a date with Benazir Bhutto. 5. Thinks Al Gore faked leg injury to gain sympathy with women delegates. 4. Angry because Kenya gets free condoms and not the Vatican City. 3. His headgear is overshadowed by everyone else's funny hats. 2. Thinks there's "too much pork" in the conference proposals. (Also a Muslim objection.) 1. Al Gore is so damn stiff you could nail a messiah to him. :: One lovely day in May was Vocation Day to inspire potential priests and nuns to the religious calling. All the priests were concelebrating mass and the teaching nuns were there in the front pews- behind them the prospective religious were squirming in their seats and making spitballs out of the missals. The Monsigneur lifted his eyes to heaven and said, "Pray for vacations!" ========================================================================= MISCELLANEOUS Drive your karma, curb your dogma Swami Beyondananda's Guidelines for Enlightenment 1. Be a Fundamentalist - make sure the Fun always comes before the mental. Realize that life is a situation comedy that will never be canceled. A laugh track has been provided, and the reason why we are put in the material world is to get more material. Have a good laughsitive twice a day, and that will ensure regularhilarity. 2. Remember that each of us has been given a special gift - just for entering. So you are already a winner! 3. The most powerful tool on the planet today is Tell-A-Vision. That is where I tell a vision to you, and you tell a vision to me. That way, if we don't like the programming we're getting, we can change the channel. 4. Life is like photography, you use the negative to develop. And, no matter what adversity you face, be reassured: Of course God loves you - He's just not ready to make a commitment. 5. It is true. As we go through life thinking heavy thoughts, thought particles tend to get caught between the ears, causing a condition called truth decay. So be sure to use mental floss twice a day. And when you're tempted to practice tantrum yoga, remember what we teach in Swami's Absurdiveness Training class: "Don't get even, get odd." 6. If we want world peace, we must let go of our attachments and truly live like nomads. That's where I no mad at you, you no mad at me. That way, there'll surely be nomadness on the planet. And peace begins with each of us. A little peace here, a little peace there, pretty soon all the peaces will fit together to make one big peace everywhere. 7. I know great earth changes have been predicted for the future, so if you're looking to avoid earthquakes, my advice is simple. When you find a fault, just don't dwell on it. 8. There's no need to change the world. All we have to do is toilet train the world, and we'll never have to change it again. 9. If you're looking to find the key to the Universe, I have some bad news and some good news. The bad news is - there is no key to the Universe. The good news is - it has been left unlocked. 10. Finally, everything I have told you is channelled. That way, if you don't like it, it's not my fault. And remember, enlightenment is not bureaucracy. So you don't have to go through channels.
The San Jose Sharks hockey team recently sponsored a father/son night as part of the festivities, there was a drawing, and one of the prizes was a dinner for the winning father and son with the Sharks' goalie, Arturs Irbe. Well, the winning group went out to eat, and it must have been something to see-the father, the son, and the goalie host.
A nuncio, where they exist, has the rank of an ambassador. While in Paris, Roncalli once said: "You know, it's rough being a papal nuncio. I get invited to these diplomatic parties where everyone stands around with a small plate of canapes trying not to look bored. Then, in walks a shapely woman in a low-cut, revealing gown, and everyone in the whole place turns around and looks -- AT ME!"
Best Halloween costume I ever saw: A couple were dressed as a priest and nun, but carried guns, knives, grenades, ammo belts, etc. They were "Clint Priestwood and Sister Mary Magnum, Vatican death-commandos." Possible spinoff: "Ninja Nun:" Equipment includes steel-cable rosary for garrotting, and little crosses with sharp points, for throwing.
This is a sight gag. A parachutist is about to take his first jump. The instructor told him to jump and pull the rip cord. If the chute didn't open he was to pull the emergency chute. The jumper said but what if that chute doesn't work. The instructor said then pray that Allah saves you!. He jumped, pulled the rip cord - nothing. He pulled the emergency cord- again nothing. What was he to do. He said Allah save me, Allah save me- Just then a giant hand appeared in the sky (here is the sight gag - do it) caught him and lowered him softly to the ground. The jumper whewed and said Jesus Christ - that was close. (Do this) The giant hand turned over and Splat.
Okay, you free-love atheist swine. It's time to put down your filthy bitmapped bimbos and your smutty newsgroups and sit up straight. Pastor Stephan is going to save your miserable asses from eternal damnation. You can buy me large plots of land later. For todays lesson we will be covering a topic of historic and lexicographic interest. As you know, in ancient and Biblical times the inhabitants of the Middle East had a lot of time on their hands. (Hence the Sons of Abraham-- three faiths [Judaism, Christianity, Islam] sharing theology, prophets, sacred sites, and even sacred texts-- and yet each works for the destruction and expulsion of the other two!) A side effect of this was tolerance for extremely long proper names. Amazingly enough, many of these names have entered the English language. And so, in the interest of spiritual enlightenment and building power vocabularies, allow me to present... THE TOP FIFTEEN RIDICULOUSLY LONG BIBLICAL NAMES 15) Abelbethmaachah: Kings 1 15:20, Kings 2 15:29. A city in Israel. MODERN USAGE: Euphemism to describe two people you don't know making love. EXAMPLE: "Yeah, that Earth First! rally was disgusting. Never seen so much sleeping-bag abelbethmaachah in my life." 14) Almondiblathaim: Numbers 33:46-47. Another Israeli settlement. MODERN USAGE: Insult. The literal translation out of the Hebrew is "Place of men who blather about almonds all the time"; thus, almondiblathaim is used to mean people who go on and on about something you could give a hoot about. EXAMPLE: "Oh, great, the programmers are coming over. Don't ask them how work is going; instant almondiblathaim." 13) Apharsathchites: Ezra 4:9. Inhabitants of yet another city. MODERN USE: Geological techspeak. EXAMPLE: "No, you knucklehead. Apharsathchites have don't mica inclusions, now, do they? Which means this is? Think... come on... Christ! It's GRANITE, you pinhead!" 12) Berodachbaladan: Kings 2 20:12. King of Babylon. MODERN USAGE: Medical assistant techspeak. Used to describe the sound a full bedpan makes when dropped. 11) Helkathhazzurim: Samuel 2 2:16. Battlefield in Gibeon. MODERN USAGE: Onomatopoetic description of accidental death resulting from a stream of urine striking an electrified third rail. 10) Merodachbaladan: Isaiah 39:1. Another spelling of Berodachbaladan, King of Babylon. MODERN USAGE: Medical assistant techspeak: Used to describe the sound a full bedpan makes when dropped on a doctor's foot. 9) Ramathaimzophim: Samuel 1 1:1. Samuel's home town on Mount Ephraim. MODERN USAGE: Stew produced by a collective. EXAMPLE: "Hey, I bet some crab meat would go really well in this!" "Go ahead, Al! It's a ramathaimzophim!" 8) Tilgathpilneser: Chronicles 1 5:6, 5:20; Chronicles 2 28:20. King of Assyria. MODERN USE: A specific type of potent Czechoslovakian pilsner prepared with ox tails. 7) Zaphnathpaaneah: Genesis 41:45. Joseph's Egyptian name. MODERN USAGE: The practice of freebasing mothballs. 6) Bashanhavothjair: Deuteronomy 3:14. The name Jair son of Manasseh gave to the country of Argob. MODERN USAGE: The practice of achieving hegemony over a patch of land the size of an olive pit, naming it after yourself with a five syllable jawbreaker, and then proceeding straight into historical oblivion. 5) Chepharhaammonai: Joshua 18:24. Still another Israeli city. MODERN USAGE: The practice of pretending ham is chipped beef, still practiced by guilty members of the faithful to this day. 4) Kibrothhattaavah: Numbers 11:34-35, 33:16-17; Deuteronomy 9:22. A cute bit in the wandering of the Jews in the desert. Chapter 11: Everybody's in the desert. They're getting sick of manna. People start wondering why they left Egypt; they ask Moses for flesh. Moses talks to YHVH. YHVH promises 30 days of flesh. YHVH send a great cloud of quails. People pig out. And then: 11:33 And while the flesh was yet between their teeth, ere it was chewed, the wrath of the LORD was kindled against the people, and the LORD smote the people with a very great plague. 11:34 And he called the name of that place Kibrothhattaavah: because there they buried the people that lusted. MODERN USAGE: Fast food meat contaminated with feces. 3) Selahammahlekoth: Samuel 1 23:28. Where Saul laid off the pursuit of David and went off to beat up the Philistines. MODERN USAGE: the amount of sexual humor one can make in the workplace without being hit with a sexual harassment lawsuit. 2) Chushanrishathaim: Judges 3:8-10. King of Mesopotamia. YHVH got ticked at the Jews because they "served Baalim and the groves" [Judges 3:7] and so Chushanrishathaim got to enslave them for eight years. MODERN USAGE: A guy who could have been a contender for serious fame, but wasn't allowed to be evil long enough to ensure his reputation. 1) Mahershalalhashbaz: Isaiah 8:1, 8:3. The child of Isaiah and "the prophetess." No other mention is made of this woman. The child is used in Isaiah 8:4 as a measure of time ("For before the child shall have knowledge to cry, My father, and my mother, the riches of Damascus and the spoil of Samaria shall be taken away before the king of Assyria")-- and is never mentioned again. MODERN USAGE: Fruit of a sexual relationship between a famous person and a bimbo-- when the famous person SWEARS the relationship was purely a professional one.
A pastor was addressing the children during the Christmas service. "Who is the mother of Jesus?" he asked them. Without hesitation, dozens of tiny voices chorused back "Mary." "That's right. Now who can tell me who is the father of Jesus?" There was quiet and fidgeting. After all, no one told them there was going to be a quiz. Then a young girl spoke up. With assurance, she boldly announced: "I know. It's Virg." After two more seconds of silence the entire community erupted in laughter. Of course - we all know it was Virg 'n Mary. ========================================================================= NON-ENGLISH [I will gladly include the translations if someone who speaks the languages will mail the english translation to me. I have it on good authority that the first one loses too much in the translation to be worth it.] Un hombre tiene que ir en avion y esta terminantemente prohibido llevar animales, pero no puede dejar solo al canario, asi que se lo mete en el bolsillo del pantalon; el tio se queda dormido, y como el bolsillo tiene un agujero, al cabo de un rato el canario asoma por la bragueta; unas monjas que estaban en el asiento contiguo le despiertan contrariadas y dicen: -Sen~or, sen~or, no entendemos mucho de esto, pero creemos que se le ha roto un huevo.
- Tu que eres matematico, crees en Dios ? - Si, salvo isomorfismos.
: ]Fragt den Papst. Er wird euch bestdtigen, da_ die Erde eine Scheibe ist. : ]Und an sechs Tagen und so weiter ... : ] : Wenn Du dich da mal nicht taeuscht ... : Irgentwann ging eine Meldung still und heimlich durch die Presse, dass der : Vatikan die Kugelform anerkannt hat. Das allerdings auch erst vor zehn oder : 15 Jahren und natuerlich klammheimlich. : Ziemlich schnelle Jungs in Rom ... bis vor kurzem war die Erde noch der Mittelpunkt des Universums, um den alles kreist. Der goettlich Gesante erweckt allerdings den Eindruck, als wenn ER seitdem den Mittelpunkt des Universums darstellt.
Warum geht der Bischof so ungern in's Schwimmbad? Eine falsche Handbewegung - alles Weihwasser
Was ist der Unterschied zwischen einem Apotheker und einem Moench ? Der Apotheker hat ein Heilserum Der Moench hat ein Seil herum.....
Zum Thema Flexibilitdt und Papst war da noch folgendes: dpa/ap: (Vatikan) Wie der Pressesprecher des Vatikans gestern mitteilte, wird nach der Rehabilitierung von Galileo Galilei jetzt auch die Erlaubnis zur Benutzung von Kondomen, Abtreibung, Frauen im Priesteramt, die Darwinistische Schvpfungslehre usw. erwogen. Ebenso wie bei Galilei ist mit der Entscheidung in ca. 350 Jahren zu rechnen. (War in irgendeiner satirischen Nachrichtensendung von HR3)
Ein Vertreter von Coca-Cola hat Audienz beim Papst. "Ich biete 5 Millionen, wenn Sie im Vaterunser nach dem 'tdglichen Brot' noch 'und unser Cocal-Cola' aufnehmen !" Der Papst: "Nein, das geht nicht." "Also, dann 6 Millionen." "Verlockend, aber nein, geht nicht." "7 Millionen !" "Nein, tut mir leid." Der Vertreter resigniert, wendet sich zum Gehen. Da kommt er plvtzlich noch einmal zur|ck: "Aber sagen Sie mir wenigstens, was hat der von der Bdcker- innung f|r das 'Brot' hingebldttert ?"
Der Papst (Nicht der gegenwaertige...) besucht ein Dorf im tiefsten Inneren von Afrika. Der Haeuptling begruesst ihn mit gehoeriger Ehrfurcht und will im den Medizinmann vorstellen. Nur ist dieser leider nicht da. Man sucht und sucht und findet ihn auf einem ziemlich hohen Baum. Er weigert sich auch standhaft, vom Baum herunterzusteigen. Der Haeuptling entschuldigt sich vielmals und will gerade auff den Baum klettern, um den Medizinmann herunterzuholen. Der Papst haelt ihn zurueck und sagt "Lass nur, mein Sohn, das mache ich schon..." Er tritt naeher zum Baum und macht mit der Hand das Zeichen des Kreuzes. Der Medizinmann kriegt die volle Panik und klettert schnell vom Baum herunter. Die anderen Dorfbewohner koennen es nicht fassen und rufen "Ein Wunder, ein Wunder!" Der Papst schuettelt den Kopf. "Das war gar kein Wunder," sagt er zum Haeuptling. "Der hat mich ganz genau verstanden." "Was haben Eure Heiligkeit Ihm denn gesagt?" Der Papst beschreibt den senkrechten Strich des Kreuzes und sagt: "Du kommst jetzt blitzartig vom Baum herunter...", darauf den waagrechten Strich, "... oder ich saege den Baum um."
Q: Was ist eine perfekte Nonne? A: Deren Mutter war auch Nonne!
Kardinal zum Bischof: - werden wir noch die aufhebung des zoellibates erleben ???? - wir nicht - aber unsere kinder .... ;-)
rW]Anderes Wort fuer Johannes Paul II: "Die polnische Flugente". oder auch: Der Eilige Vater
ObJoke: Der Papst kommt zum Bischof nach Speyer, um mal zu sehen wie er so lebt und wie es der Kirche in der Pfalz so geht. Der Papst schaut sich nach erfreulicher Besichtigung des Doms noch die bischvfliche Residenz an. Bischof: So das ist die K|che, der Herd steht hier dr|ben ... Papst: Wunderschoen - wie ich es erwartet habe. B.: So - hier ist das Arbeitszimmer ... P.: Fantastisch - stilistisch mvbliert ... wirklich schoen ... B: Hier das Wohnzimmer ... ... zum Schuss endlcih kommen sie zum Schlafzimmer, welches der Bischof etwas wiederwillig vffnet. P.: WAAAAAAAAAS ! Das ist ja ein Doppelbett ! B.: Ja ... ich wei_ ... P.: Sagen sie blo_ ... aehm ... Ihre Haushaelterin !? B.: Das ist nicht so schlimm wie es ausschaut ... sehen Sie - hier habe ich ein Brett - einen Meter hoch ... wenn wir darin schlafen stelle ich es einfach mittenrein, und es gibt nichts mehr was stoeren koennte. P.: Ahhhhh - na dann bin ich ja beruhigt. Aber sagen Sie bitte - was tun Sie wenn Sie doch mal die Lust |berkommt ? Der Bischof antwortet trocken: "Na - dann nehmen wir das Brett weg!" [posted response] J] Sie wenn Sie doch mal die Lust ueberkommt ? J] J] Der Bischof antwortet trocken: J] "Na - dann nehmen wir das Brett weg!" Das erinnerte mich an einen alten, der aehnlich beginnt: Papst : Mein Sohn, eine solch huebsche Haushaelterin und ein Doppelbett? Wie passt denn das zusammen? Was tust Du, mein Sohn, wenn Dich die Fleischeslust einmal ueberfaellt? Bischof: Nun, ich rufe meinen Hund und gehe mit ihm einige Stunden spazieren, bis die Anzeichen sich legen. Papst : Und was tut Dein Haushaelterin, wenn SIE die Fleischeslust ueberfaellt? Bischof: Nun ja, dann ist SIE an der Reihe, den Hund ein wenig auszufuehren. Papst : Und wenn Euch beiden einmal GLEICHZEITIG die Fleischeslust heimsucht? Bischof: Auch daran haben wir gedacht, heiliger Vater. Mittlerweile kennt der Hund den Weg ganz alleine.
Ein Mann stirbt und kommt in die Hoelle. Irgendwie ist aber alles ganz anders als er es sich vorgestellt hat: Er bekommt ein Zimmer in einem luxurioesen Hotel zugewiesen, das Service ist erstklassig, Sauna, Swimming Pool, Minibar, alles da... Irgendwie kommt ihm die Sache spanisch vor und er erkundigt sich ganz diskret beim Hotelmanager ob er denn hier auch richtig ist, weil man hat ihm gesagt das waere die Hoelle und das kann ja wohl nicht ganz stimmen... Der Manager versichert ihm aber, dass alles seine Richtigkeit hat. Gut, bis zum Abendessen ist noch ein bisschen Zeit, also macht er einen Spaziergang durch den Park. Sonnenschein, bluehende Wiesen, murmelnde Baechlein -- er kann immer noch nicht glauben, dass das die Hoelle sein soll. Schliesslich kommt er am Rand des Parks zu einer hohen Mauer, die geht er entlang und findet schliesslich ein kleines Loch, wo er nach draussen schauen kann -- ein furchtbarer Anblick!! Ueberall Flammen, Loecher mit siedendem Oel, kleine rote Teufel mit Hoernern und spitzen Schwaenzen sausen herum, und wohin man schaut werden irgendwelche armen Seelen aufs Perverseste gefoltert! Jetzt ist er natuerlich ueberzeugt, dass er am falschen Ort gelandet ist und eilt zurueck zum Hotel um das Missverstaendnis aufzuklaeren. Er erzaehlt ganz aufgeregt dem Hotelmanager was er gesehen hat, aber der grinst nur und sagt: "Ach machen Sie sich keine Sorgen, was Sie gesehen haben, ist nur unsere Spezialabteilung fuer Katholiken -- die *wollen* das so!"
/* flames von Nonnen und Katholen allgemein on */ Eine Nonne kommt zum (nein, nicht beim sondern zum) Dr. gyn. mit ein paar Beschwerden, die der Arzt nach der Untersuchung eindeutig darauf zurueckfuehrt, dass ebendiese Nonne Schwanger ist. Darauf sie, reichlich entsetzt: "Was die Leute nicht alles auf die Opfer-Kerzen schmieren ..."
Q: Quel est le comble pour une bonne soeur ? R: Vouloir mourir en sainte.
Kommt 'n MANTA-Fahrer in eine Baeckerrei. MF: Ey, Mann ey, ich will'n Brot,ey! Tatsaechlich bekommt er eins, was nur dem VHS-Kurs des Baeckers in "OPEL-Deutsch fuer den Hausgebrauch" zu verdanken ist. Als der Mantafahrer sein Brot bekommt, zerbroeselt er es gleichmaessig und schmiert es sich unter die Axeln, was den Baeckermeister doch in starkes Erstaunen versetzt, bis er schliesslich seiner Neugierde Luft macht und fragt: BM: Entschuldigen Sie, es geht mich ja nichts an, aber was soll das? MF: Ey bisse bloede ey? Stand doch schon inner Bibel: "Jesus nahm das Brot, brach es und verteilte es unter den Armen", ey!! NUNS Q&A Q: What kind of fun does a priest have? A: None. Q: How do you get rid of a nun's hiccups??? A: Tell her she's pregnant!!! Q: What is the definition of suspicion? A: A nun doing press-ups in a cucumber field. Q: What is the definition of innocence? A: A nun working in a condom factory thinking she's making sleeping bags for mice. Q: What do you call a nun who walks in her sleep? A: A roaming catholic. Q: What do you call a nun with a sex change operation? A: A tran-sister. Q: How do you get a nun pregnant? A: Dress her up as an altar boy. Q: What's black and white and chases nuns? A: A horny penguin Q: What do you call a nun with a sweet tooth? A: A Carmellike. Q: What's black, white and red and swings from the ceiling? A: A nun on a meathook. Q: What's black, white and red and doesn't fit through a revolving door? A: A nun with a spear through her head. Q: What do you get when you cross an apple and a nun? A: A computer that won't go down! Q. What are the bedtime rules at the convent? A. Lights out at 10, candles out at 11. Q: What's black and white and black and white and black and white? A: A nun falling down the stairs.
Two nuns in a bath. The first one says "Where's the soap"; the second one replies "Yes it does, doesn't it"
Two nuns cycling down a cobbled street. The first one says "I've never come this way before"; the second one replies "Must be the cobbles"
Mother superior at the grocery: "I would like to have 120 bananas for the convent." Salesman: "If you buy such a large quantity, it is more economic to buy 144 of them." Mother superior: "Oh well, we could always EAT the other 24."
Choirboy 1: Hi! I have to go to confession today, and I'm a bit worried. You know this priest a long time already. What would he give for committing sodomy? Choirboy 2: That's two chocolate bars.
Mother Superior: "Sister Maria, if you walk through town at night, and you're accosted by a man with bad intentions, what would you do?" Sister Maria: "I would lift my habit, mother Superior." Mother Superior (shocked): "And what would you do next?" Sister Maria: "I would tell him to drop his pants." Mother Superior: (even more shocked) "And what then?" Sister Maria: "I would run away. I can run much faster with my habit up than he with his pants down."
A priest asks a nun if he can walk her back to the convent. She says, "Just this once." Upon arriving, he asks if he can kiss her. She replies, "Well, alright, as long as you don't get into the habit."
Two nuns are walking down an alley at night. Two guys jump out and start raping them. The first nun looks to heaven and says, "Forgive them Father, for they know not what they're doing." The second nun looks up and says, "This one does!"
A group of people are touring the White House in Washington D.C. As the tour ends, they are waiting in line to sign the visitors register. A group of Nuns are in line to sign the book, followed by a Jewish family with their young son Sheldon. As they near the visitors registry, young Sheldon loses patience and runs ahead to sign the book. However, his mother stops him and admonishes him saying, "Wait till the nun signs Shelly!"
It was Friday, and four nuns went to the priest at the local Catholic church to ask for the weekend off. They argued back and forth for a few minutes. Finally the priest agreed to let them leave the convent for the weekend. "However", he said, "as soon as you get back Monday morning I want you to confess to me what you did over the weekend." The four nuns agree, and run off. Monday comes, and the four nuns return. The first nun goes to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest asks, "What did you do, Sister?" She replies, "I watched an R-rated movie." The priest looks up at heaven for a few seconds, then replies, "You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water." The first nun leaves, and the fourth nun begins to chuckle quietly under her breath. The second nun then goes up to the priest and says, "Forgive me , Father, for I have sinned." The priest replies, "OK, what happened?" She says, "I was driving my brother's car down the street in front of his house, and I hit a neighbors dog and killed it." The priest looks up to heaven for half a minute, then says, "You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water." The second nun goes out. By this time, the fourth nun is laughing quite audibly. Then the third nun walks to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest asks, "Out with it. What did you do?" She says, "Last night, I ran naked up and down Main Street." The priest looks up at heaven for a full five minutes before responding, "God forgives you. Go and drink the holy water." She leaves. The fourth nun falls on the floor, laughing so hard tears run down her cheeks. The priest asks her, "OK. What did you do that was so bloody funny?" The fourth nun replies, "I peed in the holy water..."
The nuns at the local convent had their daily annoucement session. The mother superior walked out in front of the 100 nuns with a very serious frown on her face. She began to speak... Mother Superior: There had been a sinful deed committed here, yesterday. 99 nuns: Oh, no! 1 nun: Hee, hee, hee. Mother Superior: Today I found a pair a men's underwear. 99 nuns: Oh, no! 1 nun: Hee, hee, hee. Mother Superior: And I also found a condom. 99 nuns: Oh, no! 1 nun: Hee, hee, hee. Mother Superior: And it has been used! 99 nuns: Oh, no! 1 nun: Hee, hee, hee. Mother Superior: And there was a hole in it! 1 nun: Oh, No! 99 nuns: Hee, hee, hee, hee, hee, hee!.....
The seven dwarfs are in Rome and they go on a tour of the city. After a while they go to the Vatican and meet the pope. Grumpy, for once, seems to have a lot to say; he keeps asking the pontiff questions about the church, and in particular, nuns. "Your Holiness, do you have any really short nuns?" "No, my son, all our nuns are at least five feet tall." "Are you sure? I mean, you wouldn't have any nuns that are, say, about my height? Maybe a little shorter?" "I'm afraid not. Why do you ask?" "No reason." Pause. "Positive? Nobody in a habit that's about three feet tall, two and a half feet tall?" "I'm sure." "Okay." Grumpy looks dejected at this news, and the pope wonders why. So he listens to the dwarfs as they leave the building. "What'd he say? What'd he say?" chant the other six dwarfs. Grumpy says, "He said they don't have any." And the other six start chanting, "Grumpy fucked a penguin! Grumpy fucked a penguin! Grumpy fucked a penguin!"....
A nun is undressing for a bath and while she's standing naked there's a knock at the door. The nun calls: "Who is it?" a voice answers: "A blind man". The nun decides to get a thrill by having the blind man in the room while she's naked so she lets him in. The man walks in, looks straight at the nun and says: "Corrrrrrrrrrrr, and can I sell you a blind dearie...?"
One day a nun was fishing and caught a huge fish for supper. A man was walking by and said "Wow what a goddamn fish!" The sister said "Sir you shouldn't talk to me like that: I'm a nun", and the man said "But that's the name of it: a goddamn fish". So the sister took the fish back to the rectory and said "Mother superior, look at the goddamn fish I caught." The mother superior said "Sister, you shouldn't talk like that!", and the sister said "But mother superior, that's the name of it: a goddamn fish". So the mother superior said "Well give me the goddamn fish and I'll clean it." While she was cleaning the fish the monsignor walked in and she said "Monsignor look at the goddamn fish that the sister caught." The monsignor said "Mother superior you shouldn't talk like that!", and the mother superior said "But that's the name of it: a goddamn fish". So the monsignor said "Well give me the goddamn fish and I'll cook it". That evening at supper there was a new priest at the table, and he said "Wow what a nice fish". And the sister said "I caught the goddamn fish." And mother superior said "I cleaned the goddamn fish". And the monsignor said "I cooked the goddamn fish". And the new priest said: "I like this fucking place already!"
A nun and a priest were traveling across the desert and realized halfway across that the camel they were using for transportation was about to die. They set up a make-shift camp, hoping someone would come to their rescue, but to no avail. Soon the camel died. After several days of not being rescued, they agreed that they were not going to be rescued. They prayed a lot (of course), and they discussed their predicament in great depth. Finally the priest said to the nun, "You know, Sister, I am about to die, and there's always been one thing I wanted here on earth - to see a woman naked. Would you mind taking off your clothes so I can look at you?" The nun thought about his request for several seconds and then agreed to take off her clothes. As she was doing so, she remarked, "Well, Father, now that I think about it, I've never seen a man naked, either. Would you mind taking off your clothes, too?" With little hesitation, the priest also stripped. Suddenly the nun exclaimed, "Father! What is that little thing hanging between your legs?" The priest patiently answered, "That, my child, is a gift from God. If I put it in you, it creates a new life." "Well," responded the nun, "forget about me. Stick it in the camel!"
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway, when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It says SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES. He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon, he sees another sign which says SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES and realizes that these signs are for real. When he drives past a third sign saying SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT, his curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a small sign next to the door reading SISTERS OF MERCY. He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks "What may we do for you, my son?" He answers "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business." "Very well, my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man "Please knock on this door." He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long habit and holding a tin cup. This nun instructs "Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway." He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign: GO IN PEACE, YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF MERCY.
Sister Catherine is asking all the Catholic school children in fourth grade what they want to be when they grow up. Little Sheila says: "When I grow up, I want to be a prostitute!" Sister Catherine's eyes grow wide and she barks: "What the (beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeb) did you say?" "A prostitute!" Sheila repeats. Sister Catherine breathes a sight of relief and says: "Thank God! I thought you said a Protestant" Sr. Catherine fragt alle Kinder in der vierten Klasse der katholischen Schule, was sie werden wollen, wenn sie gross sind. Die kleine Sheila sagt: "Wenn ich gross bin, will ich eine Prostituierte werden!" Sr. Catherines Augen werden ganz gross, und sie fragt: "Was zum (piiiiieeeep) hast du gesagt?" "Eine Prostituierte!" Sr. Catherine atmet erleichtert auf und sagt: "Gott sei Dank! Ich dachte, du haettest gesagt 'eine Protestantin'!"
A nun gets on a bus and sits behind the driver. She says to the bus driver she is very ill and wants to experience sex before she dies. The bus driver agrees to accomodate her, but the nun explains that she can't have sex with anyone who is married as that would be a sin. The bus driver says No problem, he is not married. The nun says she also has to die a virgin, so she will have to take it in the ass. The bus driver agrees again. Being the only two on the bus, they go to the back of the bus and take care of business. When they were done, and he had resumed driving, he said "Sister, I have a confession to make. I am married and have three children". The nun replies: "Thats OK. I have a confession too: My name is Dave, and I am on my way to a costume party".
This raggedy-assed old nun was walking home from the convent one day, when this man jumps out from the bushes and has his way. When he was finished, the man asked her, "What will you tell the Holy Father now, Sister?" She says, "I must tell the truth! I will say I was walking home from the convent when a man jumped out from the bushes and raped me twice, unless you're tired."
Did you hear the one about the man who opened a dry-cleaning business next door to the convent? He knocked on the door and asked the Mother Superior if she had any dirty habits.
Three nuns are walking down the street, when a man jumps out and flashes them. The first nun has a stroke, the second nun has a stroke, the third one didn't touch him.
There was this Irish nun sitting on the curb, sipping a bottle o' stout and obviously drunk out of her mind. The town constable walked up to her and said, "Sure, now sister Colleen, and why'd ya be doing a thing like this?" The sister replied, "Oh now, it's not fer me-self I done it sir. I done it fer the mother superior to cure her constipation." The perplexed policeman looked askance at this and asked, "And how might it be that yer present state could have anything to do with the mother superior's constipation?" To which sister Colleen said, "When she sees me this way, she'll be shittin a brick."
A priest decides to pay a visit to a nearby convent. The convent is in a run-down neighborhood, and as the priest walks down the street several prostitutes approach and proposition him, "Twenty bucks a trick!" These solicitations embarass the priest who lowers his head and hurries on until he gets to the convent. Once inside he displays his naivete by asking the Mother Superior, "What is a trick?" She answers, "Twenty bucks -- just like on the outside!"
A nun is driving her (well, the convent's) car through some very lonely countryside. The car stops and she notices there is no petrol left. So she walks to the nearest filling station. But of course, being a nun, she is a little unworldly, and so she forgot to take along the canister for the petrol. The nice guy at the filling station has no canister either. He thinks for a while, then he hands her a chamber-pot full of petrol. The nun walks back to her car and starts pouring the petrol into the tank. A bypassing car stops, and the driver looks out and says: "Sister, how I would like to have as much faith as you do!"
Married To A Nun I'm a married man but I have no fun 'cause I got married to a lady nun 'nd I can't even dare to say what really happen' on the weddin' day 'nd then I said, I'll fool around sneak at night and make no sound pay a visit to the lady neighbor spend the night 'nd do some labor but then she caught me at the door 'nd banged my ass right to the floor 'nd now I'm married 'nd I have fun just lying idle in the sun
During a blizzard, a parishinor of a Milwaukee parish was in a bad accident near Green Bay. The priest and nun from Milwaukee were driving up to the hospital the victim was in, in case last rites were necessary. As they were driving, the storm got worse and worse. Finally they decided they would have to stop for the night because the roads were so bad. The only motel they could find was already full of stranded travellers. The clerk told the priest "Since you are a priest and all, I will give you a room for the night, but I just can't give you each a separate room, you will have to make do with two beds in one room." The priest thanked him and payed for the room. during the night, the power went out, and the heat went out with it. Luckily there were a lot of blankets is the closet. After a while, the nun asked, father, father, I'm cold--so the priest got another blanket and put it on her. After a while longer, she said "father, I'm cold, can you get me another blanket," so he did. After a while, she again asked for a blanket. This time the priest responded "I think in the situation we should pretend to be husband and wife in order to keep warm." The nun was stunned and didn't think it was appropriate, but he was the priest, so she really couldn't argue. She said "O.K., father, if you are sure its proper we can pretend to be husband and wife" to which he responded: "SO GET YOUR OWN DAMN BLANKET!"
A group on nuns are travelling in a car when it has a flat tire. They get out and try to change it, but being rather unworldly do not know how to do it. Luckily, a truck came along and the (male) driver offered to change it for them. They gladly accepted. As the trucker jacked up the car, it slipped from the jack and he yelled, "Son-of-a-bitch!" The eldest nun said to him,"That is not nice language. We understand that you are upset, but you mustn't use such language." "Sorry, Sister", he said, and tried again. Again it slipped, this time almost mashing his fingers. "Son-of-a-bitch", he yelled again. "Please, don't use such language. If changing our tire is causing you to do so, it would be better if you didn't help us." "But I get so upset, and it just comes out." "Well," said the nun, "say something else when you get upset, something like 'Sweet Jesus, help me'". So the trucker tried to jack up the car again. Again it slipped. He started to say "So..", but he corrected himself and said, "Sweet Jesus help me." At that, the car just lifted up into the air by itself. The nuns looked at the car and said, "Son-of-a-bitch!"
I believe in this and it has been proven by research: He who fucks nuns will later join the church. The Clash
Three novices in a nunnery were in their nightly bull-session, and the conversation went to what might have happened if they had not decided to take holy orders. First novice: "I think I would have become a school teacher." The others said that was very nice; teaching children is important. Second novice: "I would have liked to be a nurse." That's also a fine, useful profession, said the others. Third novice: "I think I would have become a prostitute." At this, the others gasped and fainted dead away! When the third novice revived the others, she apologized for shocking them so. "I shouldn't have come out so suddenly to say I would have become a prostitute." "Oh", said the others, "a prostitute. We thought you said protestant."
There once was a man from Verdun who tried to seduce a young nun "while I'm not in the habit, and quite far from the abbot, how else will I have any fun?"
There once was a man from Verdun who tried to seduce a young nun he tried in the front but got only a grunt... so he decided to try in the bun!
There once was a man from Verdun who tried to seduce a young nun... She giggled and squealed... Then turned quick on her heels... Saying, "I'm much too GOOD for you, son!"
It's allright to kiss a nun, just don't get into the habit.....
"When I see a monk's ass I just grab it." Said the lazily amorus abbot. "Although its more fun to have sex with a nun, its so hard to get into the habit!"
Did you here about the pharmaceutical company? They developed a new drug that, when administered to women, compels them to go join a convent. The FDA refused to licence it, though. Seems it was habit-forming.
A nun goes to confession, ".....oh Father, I am ashamed, I was golfing with the other sisters, and said the "F" word. "Oh Sister, what made you say the 'F' word?" "Well I teed off the 5th hole, and sliced it into the woods" "Sister, for that you said the "F" word?" "Oh no, I got out of that mess ok, only to land in a sand trap." "Sister, for that you said the 'F' word?" "Oh no! I got a good hit out of the trap, it bounced on the green, and rolled into the trap on the other side" "Sister, for that you said the 'F' word?" "Oh no, I hit it out of the trap, and came up 6 inches from the hole" "Oh Sister, for that you said the "F" word?" "Oh heavens no Father" Then the priest cuts in and asks "Sister, don't tell me you missed a F*@!!@* six inch putt!!"
Three nuns were walking along the street and one was describing with her hands the tremendous grapefruit she'd seen in Florida. The second one, also with her hands, described the huge banana she'd seen in Jamaica. The third nun, a little deaf, asked, "Father who?"
A few nuns are riding bicycles. After a while they stop, Mother Superior gets off the bike and says, "all right, enough for today, now we put the seats on! "
Un par de monjas llaman a la puerta de una casa y les abre una nin~a -Nos podrian dar algo para el asilo? -Abueelo, sal! Two nuns knock on the front door, and a child opens it: "Can you give us something for our charity asylum?" "Sure!, Hey, grandpa, come here!"
Dos monjas encargadas de hacer la compra en un convento de clausura salen con el coche del convento y al doblar la esquina se encuentran con la misma pareja de la guardia civil de trafico. Uno de ellos se desabotona la bragueta y una de las monjas dice: -Vaya hombre, otra vez la prueba del alcohol. The two nuns in charge of shopping for a cloistered convent are driving in their car, and as they turn a corner, they are spotted by the traffic cops. The officer steps up to the car and looks inside, then he begins unbuttoning his fly. One nun looks at the other nun and says, "Oh man... not another breathalyzer test..."
There were three little girls who where attending a Catholic grammar school. One day during class the nun caught them laughing while she was teaching. The nun became quite angry and told them that she wanted to see them after class. After class, Sister Mary told the three little girls that she was going to give them a quiz on religion. She asked the first girl if she knew which part of the body was the holiest. The first little girl thought awhile. Then the little girl said, "Well Sister Mary, the holiest part of the body is the hands." And then the little girl put both her hands together as though she she going to pray and continued, "It's because we use are hands while we pray to God." Sister Mary nodded. Then the nun asked the second little girl, "What part of the body do you think is the holiest part of the body?" The second little girl said, "Well Sister, the head has to be the holiest part of the body." Pointing to her head, she continued, "It's the part of the body that has the mind, so all our souls are in our heads." Again the nun just nodded. "Well", the Sister said to the third little girl, "and what do you think is the holiest part of the body?" The little girl was excited and said, "The feet are the holiest part of the body!" The Sister was puzzled and asked why she thought the feet where the holiest part of the body. The little girl continued, "Well Sister Mary, last night I was walking past my parent's bedroom door and I saw mommy with both her feet pointing in the air and daddy was on top of her trying to keep her down while mommy was screaming, 'Oh my God! I'm coming, I'm coming!!'"
There was a Nun who kept saying BLOODY. Every second word she said was bloody. The other Nuns weren't too happy about this so they decided that next time Sister says bloody all the Nuns would get up and walk out, nothing would be said, just up and out. The next day Sister runs in and says, "the Bloody American fleet has just bloody well come bloody in. All the Nuns get up and walk without saying a word. Sister shouts back after them and says, "you don't have to bloody run they'll be here for a bloody week".
A nun was walking in the convent when one of the Fathers noticed she was gaining a little weight. "Gaining a little weight are we sister Susan?", he asked. "Oh no, Father. Just a little gas." Sister Susan explained, matter- of-factly. A month or so later the Father noticed that she had gained even more weight. "Gaining some weight are we Sister Susan?", he asked again. "Oh no, Father. Just a little gas." She replied again. A couple of months later the Father noticed Sister Susan pushing a baby carraige around the convent. He leaned over and looked in the carraige and said, "Cute little fart."
Two Nuns were out driving in the countryside, one was a Mother Superior and the other was a Novice. As they were driving along the Novice turned to the Mother Superior and said, "isn't this countryside known for having Vampires?". The Mother Superior said, "yes, but we will be okay". Just as she said that an enormous Vampire landed on the roof of their car, with large fangs dripping blood, it started to demolish the roof of the car. The young Novice screams out, "what'll we do, what'll we do?" The Mother Superior screams, "quick get out and show him your cross". The Novice gets out and goes to the Vampire, "if you don't get off that BLOODY roof, I'm gonna rip your BLOODY arms off". ========================================================================= RELIGIONS Q&A Q. What is a real Jewish dilemma? A. Free ham. Q. What is a Jewish pervert's favorite pick-up line? A. Hey little girl, wanna buy a piece of candy? Q. What do you get when you cross a devil-worshipper with a Jehovah's Witness? A. Someone who goes from door to door and tells people to go to hell. Q. What do you get when you cross a Mafia Muscle Man with a Jehovah's Witness?\ A. Lots of converts. Q. Why doesn't Jesus like hockey? A. He doesn't like being nailed to the boards. Q. Who was the first computer operator in the Bible? A. Eve, she had an Apple in one hand and a Wang in the other. Q. How do you put 5 Nazis and 300 jews in a volkswagen? A. Two germans in the front, three in the back and the jews in the ashtray. Q. How was copper wire invented? A. Two jews fighting for one cent. Q. Why do jews drink snapple instead of coke? A. Because snapple doesn't have gas. Q. What goes clip clop clip clop BANG? A. An amish drive by shooting. Q: What is a popular cheer at a Jewish football game? A: Get that quarter-back! Q: Who is the most elastic man in the Bible? A: Balaam. He tied his ass to a tree and walked 2 miles into town. Q: Who is the most contipated man in the Bible? A: David. On the throne for 40 years. Q: Who was known to have bladder problem? A: Wasn't it Noah, you know, with the water problem? Q: Where in the Bible does it describe the most people in one automobile? A: In The Acts of the Apostles it says that 100 people went to Jerusalem "in one accord." :: Q: What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness with a Hell's Angel Biker? A: Someone who comes to your door on Sunday and tells YOU to fuck off Q: Why did the jews wander in the desert for for 40 years? A: Someone dropped a quarter!
The Guide to Comparative Religion, Philosophy, and Comparative Economy Taoism: Shit happens. Conficianism: Confucius say, "Shit happens." Shintoism: Sushi happens. Buddhism: If shit happens, it isn't really shit. Hinduism: This shit happened before. Scientology: This shit happened before, but we can clean it up if you pay us enough. Feminism: This shit happened before, and WE won't clean it up! Mormonism: This shit is going to happen again. Zen: What is the sound of shit happening? Bahai: Shit happens universally. Calvinism: Shit happens because you don't work hard enough. Lutheranism: Have faith that shit will happen. Catholocism: Shit happens because YOU are BAD. Sunni Islam: If it happens to be shit, it's Allah's will and you'd better submit! Shi'ite Islam: WE WILL DESTROY YOUR SHIT! Moonies: Only happy shit really happens. Hare Krishna: Shit happens, Rama Rama. Judaism: Why does this shit always happen to US? Reform Judaism: Shit happens to whom it may concern. Conservative Judaism: Why does shit happen? Lubavitcher Hassidism: Blessed are they upon whom He sends His most holy Shit to happen. Orthodox Judaism: So shit happens, already! Zoroastrianism: Shit happens half the time. Mithraism: Bull shit happens. Agnosticism: How can we know if shit happens? [Ed. Note - this is just a sampling of the Shit that can happen, if you would like a more complete selection, see _The Canonical "Shit Happens" List_ ]
A Jewish couple have a Son who is a bit troublesome: at age five he starts in school, and pretty soon, his parents get to hear that things aren't going well. After a couple of months, they are asked to "take him out of school", since he is not setting a good example to the other Jewish children. Things go from bad to worse: after only a month in reform school he's thrown out again, and even the state correction center can't deal with him. Eventually, in desparation, the parents take him to the only place left: a local Catholic school. The don't hear anything concerning his performance, no reports of trouble, but their curiosity is really aroused when he comes home at the end of the term with a report card showing three B's and the rest A's. Things continue in the same vein, and at the end of the second term, he's running straight A's, and by the end of the school year, his performance has been so good that he is head of the class list. His mother taks him aside and asks, "What's going on? We send you to your own people, and they throw you out. The reform school can't deal with you, and even the state correction center wasn't enough. But now, with these Catholics, you're getting the best grades ever." "Well momma," says the boy "I wasn't too bothered by those other places, but the first thing I see when I go into that Catholic school is a Jewish kid nailed to a cross. I know when to back down...."
A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While the religious one prayed day in, day out, and was constantly on his knees in communion with his Lord, the atheist never even looked twice at a church. However, the atheist's life was good, he had a well-paying job and a beautiful wife, and his children were healthy and good-natured, whereas the pious man's job was strenuous and his wages were low, his wife was getting fatter every day and his kids wouldn't give him the time of the day. So one day, deep in prayer as usual, he raised his eyes towards heaven and asked: "Oh God, I honor you every day, I ask your advice for every problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbour, who doesn't even believe in you and certainly never prays, seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and suffer many an indignity. Why is this?" And a great voice was heard from above: "B E C A U S E H E D O E S N ' T B O T H E R M E A L L T H E T I M E !"
A man was walking down the street when he sees a boy with a wagon full of kittens going in the opposite direction. The man stops the boy, talks to him for a minute and then asks, "What kind of kittens are those?" The boy replies without missing a beat, saying, "Them's [insert least favorite religion] kittens!" The man is puzzled, but not wanting to get into a theological debate with a 5 year old, decides not to press for more information. About two weeks later, the man runs into the boy, who also happens to be pulling the wagon full of kittens. The man asks the boy, "What kind of kittens did you say they were?" They boy responds, "Them's [insert favorite religion] kittens!" The man, struck by the change in answers decides to inquire further, "But two weeks ago, you said that they were [insert least favorite religion]." The boy replies, "They were, but now they got their eyes open!"
BIBLE HUMOR Edgar Pearlstein, Lincoln, Nebraska To appreciate this as humor, you have to imagine yourself and your companions as the biblical-days equivalent of a group of racist, sexist, good-old-boys hanging out at the general store: Abraham was a sly fellow. When he went to Egypt he spread word that his beautiful wife, Sarah, was actually his sister. This led the Pharoah to give Abraham lots of gifts, as part of his wooing of Sarah. Poor Pharoah got punished by the god for taking Sarah, but he was really an innocent victim of Abraham's lying. When Pharoah found out about the deception, he didn't kill Abraham; he merely sent him and Sarah away and didn't even take back the gifts! (Genesis 12:20) The scam worked so well that Abraham pulled it again with another king, Abimelich (Genesis 20), who was sucker enough to give Abraham still more wealth (Genesis 20:14). Honest Abe! Abraham must have told his son Isaac about all this, for Isaac pulled almost the same stunt (Genesis 26:6-14), apparently with the same Abimelich, who must have been a real dunce. Abraham dickered with the god about how many righteous people in Sodom it would take to justify sparing it (Genesis 18:22-32). This has to be the first recorded case of what is now pejoratively called "Jewing-down". When Lot was a very old man, he had sex with his daughters, and they both became pregnant (Genesis 19:31-38). According to the Bible, Lot was a "righteous man" (2 Peter 2:8), and the excuse for his committing incest was that he was so drunk at the times that he didn't know what he was doing. Performing sexually while very old and dead drunk? If you believe that, you'll believe anything. A girl gets raped, and because she is too stunned to cry out, is herself punished (Deut 22:24). (A big "hee-hee" for the male chauvinists!) David wanted to have Saul's daughter for a wife. Saul demanded as payment 100 Philistine foreskins. David instead got him 200 (1 Samuel 18:25- 27). Gross! David, a really horny character, got a peek at Bathsheba bathing herself, and had the hots for her. But she was already married to Uriah. So David arranged to have her husband sent off to war and get killed, in order that he, David, could have her. Now that's worth a couple of snickers, but it gets even better: the god didn't like that, so he punished David by having all his wives raped in public! (II Samuel 11:2-12:12). A real knee-slapper! Did the god MOON Moses? (Exodus 33:23) Look it up! Judah had sex with his daughter-in-law, thinking she was a whore. When he later found out who she was, he wanted her to be burned to death. But she outsmarted him by proving that it was he who had sex with her (Genesis 38:13- 27). So here was a case where the woman outsmarted the man. Yuk yuk; who said those bible-day boys couldn't laugh at themselves? Ruth, upon Naomi's instructions, sidled up to Boas at night in order to gain favors (Ruth 3:3-18). (giggle). Another case where a woman gets the better of a man. Jesus preached that we should give to the poor. But he dismissed that idea when his own comfort was at stake, with the wisecrack "The poor ye have with you always" (Mark 14:7, Matthew 26:11, John 12:8). It's always a good guffaw when a pious one commits hypocrisy. And it's doubly funny when that person is fond of calling other people hypocrites! Jesus was hungry, and came upon a fig tree. Unfortunately, there wasn't any fruit on the tree, since it was the wrong time of the year. Jesus got so furious that he cursed the tree! (Matthew 21:18-20, Mark 11:12-21) Can you picture that? (The tree up and died, but there is no indication that the curse on fig trees lasted "to the tenth generation", as did some biblical curses.)
From email@example.com Finally! Having the right comeback line when the opportunity presented itself! My wife was reading a fascinating article about the religious practices of the Incas and as an entree into making me aware of the contents said, "Do you know why the Incas practiced human sacrifice?" To which I replied, "To get to the other side!"
Some time ago, a man lost his wife to illness. He handled it fairly well, considering he had just lost his lifelong partner, but after a few months he found himself aching to talk to her just one more time. So, he first goes to a [insert least favorite religion] church and tells the pastor of his dillema. "Please, sir, if there is any way I could possibly talk with my wife just one more time, I would be eternally satisfied." The Pastor sympathizes and gives the man a phone number for a direct line to Heaven. The man couldn't wait to call when he got home, so he called from the church. It was wonderful to hear his wife's beautiful voice again, but he didn't want to ring up too much of a bill, so they only talked for a 1/2 hour. Afterwards the man asked the pastor how much it would cost him. The pastor replied, "A mere $2000." The man was surprised at how much it cost him, but he figured it was worth it, so he paid it. Two weeks later, he was experiencing the same aching feeling, so he went to call his wife again, but this was the last time for sure. He just wanted to say a proper goodbye. This time he went to the [insert favorite religion here]. The pastor gave him the same number as the [least favorite religion] pastor did. This time he and his wife talked for one whole hour. He was anticipating a huge bill, and had stopped by the bank on the way to withdraw money. He asked the pastor how much it would cost, and the pastor replied, "A mere $200." The man was flabbergasted. He exclaimed, "Why, sir, is it that the [least favorite religion] church charged me $2000 for half an hour and you, the [favorite religion] church charged me only $200 for twice the time?!?" The pastor replied, "Well, it is because we are that much closer to Heaven than the [least favorite religion] church."
Become a Catholic, be led by sexual perverts, engage in ritual canibalism, and pretend that the Trinity is really one god so you can claim to be monotheistic (at least when talking to the comatose...).
Estan presentando a dos personas. - Vaya, su apellido es raro pero me suena ; creo que en mi colegio habia una monja que se llamaba igual. Podria ser pariente suyo ? - Pues no se, cual era su nombre ? - Huy, pues no me acuerdo... nosotros la llamabamos siempre madre. - Pues claro que es pariente mio; es el nombre de mi mama. Two people are talking: --"You know, your family name is pretty unusual, but I could swear that in my school there was a nun by the same name. Could she be a relative of yours?" --"Well, I don't know. What was her first name?" --"Ay, well, I can't remember... we always called her "mother". --"Mother! Of course she's a relative... that's my mom's name!"
A jew is dying, and he asks : Are you there dear wife? and she answers, why yes my love. Then he asks Are you there beloved son? and he says yes I am father, so the father asks Then WHO THE FUCK IS MINDING THE STORE?!!
An old Jewish beggar was out on the street, begging with his tin cup. A man passed by and the beggar said to the man, "Sir, could you spare 3 cents for a cup of coffee?" And the man said, "Where do get coffee for 3 cents?" And the beggar said, "Who buys retail?"
A christian and an atheist were on death row. It so happens that they were both scheduled to be executed on the same morning. The warden asked the christian, "Do you have any last requests?" The christian replied: "Yes I would love to hear the song "Amazing Grace" before I die." "That is not unreasonable," the warden replied, "We can play it many times over the loudspeakers right up to the moment..." Then the warden turned to the atheist and asked, "Do you have any final requests?" "Yes," the atheist replied, "Can I go first?"
An old Armenian is dying; his entire family is gathered around him. When he comes to, he asks everybody but his eldest son to leave. When they are alone, he says: "Look after the Jews". Son, taken aback, says: "Father, don't you have anything more important to say to me at this moment?" The father repeats: "Look after the Jews: when they are done for, it will be our turn."
A BUNCH OF MENNONITE JOKES Q. How do we know that Adam and Eve were Mennonite? A. Who else would be alone in a garden with a naked woman and be tempted by a piece of fruit? Q. What happens when you take one Mennonite fishing? A. He drinks all your beer. Q. What happens when you take two Mennonites fishing? A. They don't drink any of your beer. Q. What's the difference between a Mennonite girl and Alaska? A. About three degrees. Q. What's the difference between a Mennonite boy and a rock? A. The rock moves faster.
A TV researcher is making a documentary about religion and needs some information about the collections. First he goes to see a Protestant Vicar. He says "I'm making a programme about religion and I wanted to know how you share out your collection". The vicar says "Well I get all the money on a big plate and share it out - one for me, one for God, one for me, one for God". The researcher thanks the vicar and goes to see a Catholic Priest. He tells the Priest what the vicar does and then asks the same question and the Priest says "Oh no I haven't got time for all that. I get all the money on a plate and then get a big knife and cut right down the middle and one half is for God and one half is for me". The researcher thanks the vicar and goes to see a Jewish Rabbi. He tells the Rabbi what the Vicar and Priest do and asks the same question again. The Rabbi says "Oh no I haven't got time for all that, I get all the money on a plate and throw it all up into the air and what stays up goes to God and what comes down goes to me". Frankie Howerd
One day a Catholic priest goes to a barber for a haircut. After the haircut, he asks the barber how much he owes. The barber says, "For a man of the cloth, the haircut is free!" The priest thinks "What a nice man!" The next day the barber finds a case of wine outside his shop. Then, a minister comes in for a haircut. Again, the barber tells him that the haircut is free. The minister thinks "What a nice man!" The next day, the barber find a box of chocolates outside his shop. Then, a rabbi comes in for a haircut. Again, the barber gives the haircut on-the-house. The rabbi thinks "what a nice man!" The next day, the barber finds a long line of rabbi's outside his shop! :: Two Jewish guys are walking down the street, and one decides that he needs a new suit. So they stop in at Pinkus the Tailor, and ask to see a suit. Pinkus takes one out from the back, and says "this is the latest fashion, and it's a bargain!". The guy buying asks if it is available in black, Pinkus says "Of course", so the guy buys it. As he leaves, he reminds Pinkus to make the suit in black. The next week, the two Jewish guys go back to Pinkus to pick up the suit. The buyer looks at it very closely, and says "I think this is dark blue, not black!" Pinkus assures him that it is, indeed, black. So the guy pays, puts on the suit, and they leave the store. However, he remains unconvinced. As they walk down the street, the guy in the new suit says "I have an idea about how we can check the suit... there are two nuns coming towards us, in their habits. Let's kind of push up against them, and we can check if the suit is black." So as the two Jewish guys passed the nuns, they pushed up against them, and they all fell down together. The Jewish guys looked at the nuns, the nuns looked at the Jewish guys, and they parted without saying a word. The first nun turns to the other and says "I wonder what that was all about?". The second nun says "I know they looked Jewish, but I wasn't sure." "Why not?" "Because one of them spoke Latin." "Latin? How? What did he say?" "I didn't catch all of it, but what I heard sounded like 'Pinkus Fuckedus'"! :: There was an elderly southern widow who lived in a large mansion. She was feeling generous when it came to thanksgiving, so she called up the local military base, and asked to speak with the lieutenant. "Please send up four nice young men to eat dinner here on thanksgiving, but please, don't send any jews. Please, no jews." The lieutenant replied, "No problem ma'am, and I am sure I speak for the army when I say we all appreciate your kindness." Well, thanksgiving rolled around, and the widow went to answer the door when it rang. She was surprised to see four of the blackest boys that anyone had ever seen, especially in the south. "But... But.. There must be some mistake" she stammered. One of them replied, "No ma'am, lieutenant Goldstein doesn't make mistakes"
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